To Heal or To Hurt


To Heal or To Hurt

By Bernadette A. Moyer


No one gets through this life unscathed, we have choices though, and we can choice to heal our hurts or to continue hurting and hurt others in the process.

Generally I am amused with the term “dysfunctional family” to say that any family is “dysfunctional’ is to presume that there is a model of a fully “functional” family. I have yet to see or to know any family that is perfect, the model or fully “functional.”

What I do know is that no one gets through this life unscathed. Each one of us will experience a wide range of events some will be happy and pleasurable and others may literally bring us to our knees.

In our country according to a 2009 survey 50% of all college aged students have contemplated suicide in their life.  Kids between the ages of 18 and 23 have at least had one episode or thoughts about ending their own life. This figure seems staggering then I thought about the kids that I worked with and knew and I could name more than a few that I was aware of that had at least one time thought about suicide.

As I watched The Road Back, the story of Wynonna Judd and her husband Cactus, I was struck at how they triumphed over tragedy.  Early in their marriage he had a motorcycle accident where he lost his leg and his arm and hand that had to be reattached to his body. He is a professional drummer. Never once did he play the “why me” card or act out in destructive ways. He worked his butt off and worked through much pain until he could play the drums again. His attitude was everything as was his faith in God. Cactus could just as easily played the victim, he could have quit. But he chose to heal and to heal himself.

Bishop T.D. Jakes; “Let go of your past.  When you hold on to your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny.”

On a recent Oprah Life Class with Bishop T.D. Jakes the topic was family relationships and family estrangements. One of the groups on this show was two sisters that had estranged over an old boyfriend several years ago. The guy is no longer in the picture but the sisters hadn’t spoken in three years.  He encouraged them to work it out, he said, “that is your sister!”

I wish my family estrangement was that simple over an old boyfriend? But it wasn’t and it isn’t. It is about family that supported a child molester and threw their sister away. They didn’t even try. Instead they chose to scapegoat, re-write history, lie, and slander and make up stories to justify their absence and my absence too. How do you come back to that? You don’t.

But … you still have to forgive them and you have to heal from it. If we don’t choose to heal we only continue the hurt. Hurt that shows itself in many forms and seeps into all other relationships. Your history is not your destiny unless you allow it to be.

If you show up 99 times and someone else smacks you in the face, then you show up for the 100th time and they smack you in the face, is it their fault or yours? At some point you stop showing up when you already know what the outcome will be.

Family behavior is often set in place when we are just kids, most families revert back to childhood in how they relate and treat one another. My history is only my destiny if I allow it to continue. It takes will, drive and determination to break the model. But it can be done.

You have to believe you are worth more and then take all the necessary steps to heal from the hurt. At some point we must all take responsibility and heal our hurts because when we don’t we tend to recreate them.

Let go of the past!

Create your life in the now and for the future …

And once again, because it is worth rewriting;

When you hold on to your history, you do it at the expense of your destiny.” Bishop T.D. Jakes

Bernadette on Facebook at




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