Month: March 2017

Holes in Our Hearts

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Holes in Our Hearts
By Bernadette A. Moyer

love

Most all of us have them; a place in our heart that wasn’t filled or filled enough or a loss that came later in life that created a void and left a hole in our heart. It may be an easy to see void like the lack of a father or mother or of a love relationship that ended or one that is harder to identify but lives deep within.

The longest relationship we will ever have is with ourselves and that is why we must practice self-love.

We fill the holes and the voids in our hearts, sometimes we fill them with healthy good choices and other times with people and things that may not be the best for us. When we overeat, or drink heavily or self-medicate, we can look inward to see that we are trying to fill a void.

The drinking, overeating and drug use usually is the symptom of a greater void and loss. What causes us to have a hole in our hearts or a void? For many of us there will be a different answer. What didn’t we get in our childhood? Who didn’t love us or who loved us too much? We all have our reasons. What hurts came later that left us feeling that we are off or have an unmet need.

When it comes to parenting I have always believed that we parent by one of two choices either the example of the parenting we learned and received as a child or by the holes and voids left from our own parents that we don’t want to bestow upon our children. Most of us are aware of what is missing in our lives, the choices of what to fill those voids can help us to learn and to grow or they can hurt us and keep us from maturing.

Little girls first fall in love with their fathers and if they have a loving relationship with dad, they are much more likely to find loving relationships later in life. A little girl who was raised without their father often looks for love from men that are unavailable to her. Simply put if dad was absent and gone and a “zero” she grows up and finds what is familiar to her. A “zero” father figure often translates into a “zero” boyfriend, husband etc.

Other father figures can and do fill the holes left by an absent father but only if the child is open and willing and receptive. You can’t miss what you never had. Medical studies show that it takes 6-months to a year for a child to bond and connect to mom and dad. A child who never connected to a “mother” or “father” figure in infancy may feel a void but it will be for the figure and not necessarily for the birth parent that they never fully bonded with or knew. (Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman)

When we learn to put ourselves first, we can learn to fill our own voids and the holes in our hearts with acceptance and unconditional love. Our belief system may need to be adjusted or changed.

“Imagine living a whole new way of life … a life where you are free to be who you really are. You no longer rule your life according to what other people may think about you.” The Fifth Agreement by Don Miguel Ruiz

It takes maturity and some time and the willingness for introspection for us to know ourselves. It takes quiet and the willingness to look inward. When we understand who we are, what is right for us and can identify where our holes are then we can make the choice to fill our own voids with good choices.

Healthy choices would not include overeating or excessive drinking or doing drugs but allowing our soul to speak to us and help us to decipher what we are lacking from within. It is possible to heal from our holes in our hearts but first we have to be willing to identify what caused them and how do we want to fill them to be our best and happiest and whole self …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

New Eyes

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New Eyes
By Bernadette A. Moyer

clarity

Some things only become clear to us after they pass and after they are said and done. Funny at different times in our lives we may view the same situation and see it through different lenses and “new eyes.” I think most people could look back on their life and recall different scenarios when they felt that they were young and dumb. Hindsight is always 20/20 vision.

“Don’t criticize what you can’t understand.” Bob Dylan

Some of us did things that with a little life experience we would never do again. Or we learned from our mistakes. We all grow up and we all change and grow. Life has a way of handing us the lessons we need to learn whether we want to learn them at all. Some people need to learn the hard way, others can learn from what they witness in people that they know and others in the world.

Changing our views on things in life can be about maturity and about having new and updated information. When our hearts change so often does our vision.

“A man sees in the world what he carries in his heart.” Goethe

As we age we learn that when we are open to “new eyes” all things in life can take on a new appreciation for us. That‘s the beauty of life; the willingness to see things differently not only as the world changes but as we change and learn and grow.

always-pray

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Enjoying Life!

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Enjoying Life!
By Bernadette A. Moyer

enjoy-life-now-this-is-not-a-rehearsal

“So what have you been up to?” This question was from someone that I ran into at the grocery store, someone I have not seen in about ten years. And even before I could think about it I responded with “enjoying my life!” Then I almost started to feel guilty and started rattling off a series of ongoing projects that keep me busy but I quickly doubled back to actually “I am enjoying my life more and more these days!”

Earlier in the day, I had just run some errands with my son who is always so appreciative of all that we do for him and with him. I am starting a new series of blogs and spent time with the dogs, downloaded a new recipe I plan to try and accepted a friend’s request to help proofread her latest book project. Next week when I have jury duty I will busy myself with her new book. So what have I been up to? Lots of stuff, lots of fun and rewarding stuff like the little things in life but doing them with much more enjoyment.

My husband and I are at the age where we appreciate everything more and we are genuinely happy. We talk about our aging and even when our lives end. He says, “I want my face to be the last thing you see when you die.” I know he doesn’t want me to ever die and leave him but we know that isn’t how life works. What he is telling me yet again is that I can count on him; he will be there for me until my time comes unless of course he goes first. We are blessed and we know it. Our marriage has survived so much and all the struggles and all the trials and tribulations made us stronger and more appreciative of each other and more in love.

greg-adams-quote-weve-been-carrying-on-having-fun-enjoying-life

It is all about how we look at things, we can complain about having to scrub the kitchen floor or we can be thankful we have a kitchen floor to scrub. It is all about how we choose to see things. It is also about what we surround ourselves with and who we engage.

There are a lot of things we just don’t care about anymore, mainly what other people do and say. We know who we are and we know what we are made of, what other people think and say isn’t a concern of ours. There is something so freeing about not giving your power away and not allowing others to judge. Happiness comes from within and when we are doing what makes us happy it is so easy to enjoy life.

We can complain about aging and our aching back or this ailment or that one or we can remember that life is limited and so we must decide how we want to spend it. “Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.” Unknown Author

It doesn’t take much to make us happy we are easily amused and laugh more and more each day. Again it’s a choice. So what have I been up to? I have been up to the best possible things on earth and the most simplistic ones too. Enjoying my life more and more each and every single day because only God knows how many days we will have here in this lifetime to enjoy. Have fun! Do what makes you happy and surround yourself with people that you love and that love you too!

If this is what you get in older age, we will take it …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
Books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

You Have to Forgive Them

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You Have to Forgive Them
By Bernadette A. Moyer

forgiveness

You have to forgive them; you have to do it for yourself and for them. You have to take the high road. This week alone I have heard from a father who is coming to the end of his life and been estranged from his two daughters for decades. He is looking for help in mediation with his adult girls. He wants to talk to them before he dies.

Another mother wrote to me that this is the week her daughter is getting married and once again she feels the pain, the loss and is at risk of losing her peace over it … all over again. Every other day or week I get letters and messages from parents that are heartbroken over the loss through estrangement of their adult children.

These kids are our kids and its forever, whether they are in our lives or not and no matter what they have said and done to you, you have to forgive them. Pride is foolish. It is not a good enough reason. Even when they are not sorry or don’t show the remorse that you believe that they should, you must forgive them. And if and when they do say they are sorry, you have to accept it, let it go and work towards picking up the pieces and building a new and healthier relationship.

Remember when we thought we knew it all and that we could and would do it better than our parents did, in raising us? We were going to be better parents. We were going to be the best parents ever. Then life happens and you get thrown a curve. You do something, they did something, someone did something and the bond breaks down. Are they better off without you? Are you better off without them? They probably are not and you probably are not either. And what good comes of the anger, the hurt and the outrage? Justified or not, who does it serve?

All three of my now adult children have done things that I would never have done but they didn’t do it to me, they did it to themselves. Sometimes they are influenced by outside sources, people that enable them. You don’t know what they may have said to get support and what the motivation really is but you have to forgive them. Even the so called well intentioned “enablers” that help to break apart a family, you have to let it go, you have to forgive them. They hear one side. And there is always another side, always. Getting angry with the “enablers” is like being angry with the girl that your guy cheated on you with? She doesn’t owe you anything. The relationship you had was with the guy not her. Your relationship is with your child, they made the choice, others may have helped but this was their choice.

Adult children make their own decisions. Our kids do things that we don’t like or that we don’t agree with. They make decisions good ones and bad ones but at the end of it all, they have to live with their decisions as we must live with ours. Even if your estranged child doesn’t allow it or present themselves to you, forgive them. Again do it for you and do it for them. Take the high road.

No one was more shocked and stunned than I was when my first born child left home at age eighteen. But it was her decision to make. It is always their decision. Just like with any other adults we choose who we allow in our lives and we choose who we let go of.

I know the stories, I have heard them all and we lived through many ourselves. Yes the pain is real, the loss is real and the hurt and anger and disappointments are real. But we have to take the high road. We have to take care of ourselves first. We have to get through it. We have to accept that we only control our side of the relationship. They can and they will do what they do. Get on with your life, live. Do new things, make new friends and have new experiences. Allow yourself the process, the process of going through the loss, the voids, the hurts and all of it. Try not to be bitter.

You absolutely have the right to your hurt and anger. It’s real. But in the final analysis hanging on to it serves no one well, it just doesn’t. I am not suggesting that you continue to try, call, or send notes etc. if a wall has been put up accept it and respect it. But also be open. Be open if there is a chance to reconcile, be open to whatever comes next. And no matter what forgive them and forgive yourself too. You did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at that time. We are not perfect people. We are not perfect parents and our kids are not perfect kids.

If they are not in your life, pray for them. Pray for them again and again and pray for your own peace and wellness too. Jesus said, ”Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

One of my adult children recently came home. Life has a way of making more sense to us when we grow up from some life experience and gain some wisdom. I know now that she is sorry. I know now that it hasn’t been easy for her. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. But we all survived.

I had to learn to let go of how I thought it should be I had to learn that forgiveness truly is the gift that we give to ourselves. You can stay connected in your heart to people that may have gone away from you. You can wish them well even when you don’t see them.

One of the things that I have learned is that my children didn’t do it to me, they did it to themselves. Don’t take it personally, hard as that is to do, it wasn’t about you, it never is, nothing other people do is because of you. It is always because of themselves. Read more about this philosophy in the book The Four Agreements. It will help, it helped me immensely.

Peace and love and forgiveness …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebbok.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

You Are A Survivor!

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You Are A Survivor!
By Bernadette A. Moyer

survivor

There is always a process when you write; a topic and a subject come to mind and then what to share and to say. Normally something happens and triggers the idea. I have started just doing the titles and then getting back to the subject. Do I still want to blog about it a few days or maybe weeks later when I didn’t get right to it the first time after that first thought. Then is it something I have to think about and ponder before I actually put words to my thoughts.

This was a topic and a word that my “other mother” threw around several times during a recent lunch. She was treating me to lunch since I was the “winner” of our bet, she was certain that Hillary would win and I went with Trump and of course the rest is history.

But during that lunch conversation she repeatedly called me a “survivor” and it struck me because in my mind we are all “survivors” aren’t we? Or we would cease to exist. I never thought there was any other choice but according to her there was, I could have quit, just curled up and died but I always came back from whatever knocked me down. I always got back up again. To her that meant I was a “survivor.”

I had to stop and look it up what was she saying about me? And why was it a point she was making over and over again. The definition that felt right was this; a person who copes well with difficulties in their life. After reading that I could relate and was getting it, often I hear from readers who write and tell me that I “saved” them with my sharing of my stories. Actually they “save” me right back when they write and connect and affirm me.

When I think back most all of the “hits” and knock downs were from people that were supposed to be closest to me, people like family; one was a friend of thirty years. You would think that these people, the family and the long term friend would be the least likely but it reminds me of a phrase my grandmother often used, “familiarity breeds contempt.” And it translates to “extensive knowledge of a close association with someone or something leads to loss of respect for them or it.” She was old and wise and she was right.

We teach people where we are vulnerable and where they can hurt us. Most people close to us know our soft spots.

Looking back on the things and the people that tried to hurt me and knock me down not one of those hits was worth the attention I once gave them. It reminds me of my thought process regarding getting upset over things, if it is something that you probably won’t remember next week, next month or next year it probably is not worth being upset over, and it isn’t.

I think being a “survivor” is a state of mind and one that we should all exercise … because what is the opposite of “survivor” the antonyms are words like victim, loser, weak and unfortunate. Who wants that? Not me!

So as hard as whatever you are facing may be just know that you can and you will survive it, we can all make the choice to be a “survivor” and I do believe that it is a choice.

Bernadette on at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble