Month: June 2016

A Moment A Memory

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A Moment A Memory
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Everything in our lives is just a moment and then a moment that makes a memory. On a recent beach trip I pulled out an old journal to start writing and out popped three different photographs. One photo was of my wedding day and a truly happy occasion, and another was in Hershey, Pennsylvania known as “the sweetest place on earth.” It was on their tour ride and I was in a car with our twins who appear to be just toddlers.

The last photo was of my daughter and her high school graduation. I was so proud of her but also pained that her father who died 15 years earlier was not there for such a momentous occasion.

The take away for me upon reflection was that everything we experience is just a moment in time and that moment later becomes a memory. Then I remembered a poem I wrote many years ago titled; Seasons of Life.

Seasons of Life (Bare Breasted Heart book)

In the season of life
Where will we be
In the seasons of life
Will it be you and me

In the seasons of life
What will we learn
In the seasons of life
What have we lost and earned

In the seasons of life
What years will be marked by goodness
And what years by strife
In the seasons of life

Will we love and be kind
Will we put the past behind
In the seasons of life
Will we be happy and whole

In the seasons of life
Will we be content and proud
In the seasons of life
Will we live without regret

In the seasons of life
Will we push on and forward
In the seasons of life
Will we be justified and rewarded

In the seasons of life
Will we give from our hearts
In the seasons of life
Will we plan ahead

In the seasons of life
Will we live fully until we are dead

Our lives are so fluid where everything changes, we change our circumstances change. People come and people go, people live and people die. I think about how important every moment of our lives is and just how quickly they pass us by and become nothing more than a memory.

Everything is important in those moments in time … let us hope and pray for lives that are filled with joyous and happy memories and start with wonderful moments that we can appreciate long after they are gone …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Along The Way and Another Way available on Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble

The Estranged Dad

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IMAG2534The Estranged Dad
By Bernadette A. Moyer

Dads hurt too! Barely a day goes by when I don’t hear from an estranged mother who is grieving over an adult child that decided to dismiss mom and dad from their life. Rarely but very rarely do I hear from the dad’s. But when I do the pain shared is no different than what the women have shared. Men seem to keep it in, are more cut and dry about it and seldom do they show their grief outwardly.

When I asked my own husband “what single thing in your life has hurt you the most?’” I was surprised by his response.

This is a man who grew up in “The Projects” and who became a widower at age 32 just after his wife delivered twins pre-maturely. He had a younger brother that he loved commit suicide; he is a man that held his mother’s hand as she died and has a father suffering from severe dementia. (Since this article was written his father has died)

His response; “our girls” and “It didn’t have to be this way.” He was talking about their estrangement. They chose to turn away from their family under the guise of “abuse.” Both times it was over a teen boyfriend that they were determined to have and neither one ended up with.

My husband was a huge support to my daughter. One year he wrote the entire check for her Catholic prep school tuition. During high school he drove her to school every day before going to work. He was invested in her success even though she was not his biological daughter. He attended every single father-daughter dinner throughout high school and he wasn’t just happy to do it but he was proud.

His twin daughter is his namesake that he took up for the entire time she lived at home. Always doing battle with anyone that came to tell him that she was failing, he didn’t want to hear it or believe it. Whether it was a teacher or an employer he only wanted to hear the best about his daughter.

Many times it would be her own twin brother reporting to dad about her latest scheme and how awful she made him feel. He dismissed his only son to support his daughter. To him, she walked on water. Until … right up until he could no longer look the other way. Until she would not only estrange but declare that she was “abandoned.” After all she needed to have a story to support her decisions to disrespect the house rules. And at the age of 18 she certainly had every right to live her life, her way. But we all know that when we live with our parents and in our parent’s house, it is by our parents rules.

Fathers take it differently from what mothers do and looking back I would be willing to bet that my husband stayed strong so that I could be the one that fell apart.

My son describes his twin and her departure as a “low blow” and a “sucker punch” to their father. I believe she acted in haste as many teens do and at the time truly did not comprehend the magnitude of the decisions that she was making. Friends will come and friends will go, but family is forever, or it is supposed to be. He was also the one that didn’t want us to go after. He stated, “She will just do it again” and “I know her better than anyone” and “we are better off without her.”

This is not what any parent wants to hear. We raised our twins to have their own interests and seldom did their interests intersect. He was an Eagle Scout involved in the theater and drama; she played the flute, went to band camps and played soccer. Although we always hoped they would be close and we tried to instill in them the importance of looking out for one another. We thought it was a blessing that they had each other. Little did we know that our desire to keep them together and close was often at our son’s expense and well-being.

My husband isn’t the kind of guy that has regrets. He lives and he learns and he has accepted that the daughter he loved and adored didn’t or doesn’t hold him in the same esteem. His immediate response when she left wasn’t one of hurt or of anger, his response was “I am so disappointed.”

We find it amusing that you can raise kids in the same home, at the same time with the same parents and schools and everything and how one child can be so appreciative and happy and constantly reflects on all the good things he had in his childhood. He states; “I had a great childhood” and another child who was probably given even more states that they weren’t happy and estrange.

From all the parents I have talked with over the 16 years since estrangement entered my life I hear many common threads. Parents that feel betrayed by their children. And their kids lied to them and lied about them. Kids that grow up and decide to estrange from their parents while making the choice to play the victim rather than to succeed in life.

The parents in my support group are the ones that are just like my husband. They are really great dads who gave it their all and never dreamt that all the efforts he put forth would be minimalized and unappreciated. My husband is a strong man, a Christian that prays every single day for the daughter that he thought he raised.

We have great memories of all our kids and all the years that we were raising them. We are so happy that we survived those years with our marriage intact and even stronger. It easily could have gone another way.

Like all the moms and dads who have done the work and raised their children; we want for our children what we have always wanted for them. We want them to be happy, to have peace and good health and a good long life filled with as much love as possible.

Thinking of every dad out there on this Father’s Day and every single day …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another way available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Losing Weight Feeling Great

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Losing Weight Feeling Great (part 1)
By Bernadette A. Sahm

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Getting Started

Like everything it starts with an idea or a spark of interest. My husband and I are members of our local Y and just before Thanksgiving they were posting notices for the annual Turkey Trot fundraiser. I thought why not? It is something that our family could do together and it would help raise money for children and youth programs at the Y. It was just a 5k and that translates to a 3 mile walk or run.

I have never done anything like this before but my husband and our son were just as eager to join in the efforts to raise money and do something healthy for ourselves. All I wanted was to finish and to do so in under an hour and I did. We also met our fundraising goals with the help of a handful of friends. It was a great way to start the day on Thanksgiving.

Then for Christmas I purchased an activity tracker for both my husband and myself. I was unsure if he could like it or go along but he loved it and we started some friendly competition. Many conversations that started with “did you make your goal?” or “how many steps did you take today?” We were having fun and started to take walks together. We supported each other in achieving our goals.

At this same time we were both going to the Y and he was walking/running on the treadmill while I swam. Together we would enjoy the sauna and it became our routine.

During Lent we gave up meat and Brian lost 5-6 pounds and our son started losing weigh too. I was taking off a pound or two but nothing substantial.

The First 10

My tracker goals were not much in the beginning like around 7,500 steps a day and most days I made the goal. On lazy days I was short. Every time we went to the gym my husband would invite me to come and work out on the treadmill and I always declined until one day I said okay I will try it. He was doing about 30 minutes then. When I joined him I started a brisk walk for 40 minutes each day eventually going to an hour. With me by his side he extended his time too. We were good company and good encouragement and together exceeded our individual goals.

After 3 solid weeks of going every single day, brisk walking on the treadmill for an hour and consuming fewer calories I lost 10 pounds. I was thrilled and liked how my clothing were starting to fit me.

At age 56 I am really working hard at working out and loving it! Up until now I was that person who swam a little, walked a little and rode my bike a little. Nothing all that strenuous.

Today

I started trying on my smaller sized clothes that were a little snug and really liked how I feel in them. When I am pushing myself on the treadmill I remind myself of how much better I look taking off the weight. My tracker goal is now over 11,000 steps a day. This week I had several days that I came in with over 14,000 steps a day and one day when I had over 18,000 steps in a day. I am walking between 5 and 7 miles a day and more than half of it is a fast walk.

Overall I feel great except for all the blisters all over my feet in various places. I have been going through the Band Aids and different sneakers!

With the blood circulating more and more, my skin is glowing without any make-up. I sleep better too. Dietary changes are less food intake, much more water and zero calorie beverages. Except on the weekends when I enjoy some wine.  I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything. Nothing like the treadmill to make you acutely aware of how long it takes to burn off that donut or piece of chocolate cake you were certain that you had to have …

The Next Part

In August we celebrate our wedding anniversary and then September is Brian’s birthday and October is mine, I want to take off another 15 pounds. I am determined. I go to the gym once and day and yesterday went twice once alone and in the evening with my husband.

I’m enjoying my workouts and my only weak link is my right foot but I am hobbling through the pain in hopes that this will pass. If not next month I will be seeing a foot doctor. I have tried three different pair of walking and running shoes and don’t think I have found the perfect pair yet. I am having fun though with my workout wear and the high that comes from a really good sweat.

Losing weight the old fashioned way with diet and exercise, I just want to look and feel better and so far I do.

Part 2 when I hit another goal … stay tuned …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

A Liar, a Manipulator or a True Victim

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A Liar, a Manipulator or a True Victim
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Sometimes it is really hard to tell whether someone is a liar, a manipulator or a true victim. Today the “victim” receives many forms of attention and sometimes even a pass on their bad behaviors. Our society hates to witness any real form of victimization. But what about the liar and the manipulator that has learned to use victimization to their advantage?

A few years ago I interviewed a survivor of sexual abuse. It was her father that abused her and he admitted it was punished and went on with counseling. It cost him his marriage and initially his relationships with his children. Later they did rebuild those parent-adult child relationships.

One of the comments that struck me the most came from the adult survivor, she said, “we are really good liars.” She was referring to abuse victims. I was puzzled until she explained it. She said, “Just going on and about our everyday lives and acting normally is a lie.” She went on to say that until she could own it and do the work she was in cover up mode and living a lie. I was stunned by her honesty and that she has gone on and talked about her story and in doing so has managed to help many other abuse survivors.

For many survivors they can’t deal honestly with all the fallout and trauma associated with sexual abuse. Many cover it up and many lie about it. Some never share their stories and some others learn to use their victimization to manipulate.

What struck me about the woman that I interviewed was the depth of love and support within the family that attributed to her health and wellness. The family not only believed her and supported her but also sought professional help in learning how to appropriately deal with her father, the abuser too.

They say, “You can’t rewrite history” but it seems in some families where sexual abuse has occurred they have tried to do just that. Why lie, manipulate and cover up sexual abuse? Because for many victims it is easier than head on dealing with it, however, sadly this inhibits their growth and their ability to heal and become whole. It doesn’t just go away.

Often a child victim of abuse will receive a big reaction and a tremendous amount of support. Kids are smart and many learn that they can manipulate others as a result of their story. They learn that for them there is value in remaining a victim. Some never move beyond their victimization as a result. Others will self-medicate through drugs and alcohol. Some will use sexual activity as a way of dealing with abuse.

Many prostitutes have been sexually abused and those that sexually abuse were often victims of sexual abuse themselves. These are really good reasons to seek out professional help and they are also so often just why many never own their trauma.

A child who has been victimized by sexual abuse is never at fault, not ever. These kids need to be believed and supported. The support and love that they receive after the victimization can and will make all the difference in their healing, their growth and their development.

Sadly without proper care and treatment many kids grow up and become skilled liars, manipulators and stay stuck in their underdeveloped childlike mindset. We need to support them in their health and wellness and give them an equally big reaction for seeking treatment.

Years ago a dear friend confided in me that she was a rape survivor. Her case went through the court system and the rapist was convicted. What shocked me the most? At the time that she confided in me we were friends for more than 10 years. She never once came across as a victim.

I truly believe that because she dealt with her trauma in an honest and forthright manner, had therapy and much love and support from her husband, her siblings and her adult children that she was able to move past her trauma to wellness.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

When you study victims the one thing that comes across is that the ones that truly were victimized seldom enjoy talking about it unless or until they are on a mission to use their experiences to help others.

Joyce Meyer is a strong survivor of sexual abuse and she has taken her abuse and turned it around for the greater good. She talks about the liar, the manipulator and victim roles played throughout her own recovery.

Don’t wait for “when” –

“The greatest part of our happiness depends on our disposition not our circumstances.” Martha Washington

Bernadette A. Moyer on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another Way by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Estranged … Now what?

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Estranged … Now what?
By Bernadette A Moyer

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Knowing what I know now and after my own experience and hearing from thousands of mothers and fathers who are estranged from their adult children, I would do things differently!

I should not have wasted my time, my heart and my tears over someone who was already so far gone from me. Today I would say that yes you will be hurt and yes you might be shocked but what you really need to do is get over it and get over it as quickly as possible.

It is okay to love the child that you had and to reflect fondly on them but it is also necessary to let them go in peace and in love. When it is over, it is over. Some situations will allow for a reboot and another chance, some never will.

Today I believe that adult kids that estrange enjoy the satisfaction they receive in knowing how much they hurt their parents and their families. It is all about control. It is all about being selfish and all about them. It is the choice that they alone have made.

And the stories they will tell is that they were the victims. Think about it? A nice son or a nice daughter wouldn’t cut mom and dad out of their life. They will need to justify their actions and that means making mom and dad out to be the bad guys. And the more they can paint themselves as a victim, the more they can manipulate others and command support for their cause and position.

Don’t play along and don’t play their games. Find things to do that will occupy your time and utilize your talents. Go to a therapist or go to the gym but keep moving. Life is all about forward movement. You can think, hope and pray that they return, but whatever you do, do not compromise the quality of your own life in the process. Remember if they do return you will have grown and changed and taken better care of yourself. And if they never return you will be healthier, stronger and better able to manage and enjoy your life.

Because if you compromise your life away you will eventually regret it and you won’t get those lost years back. Our response should be one that says I hold myself up in the highest. I will not allow you or any other to destroy me or my joy. My life with you or without you, matters. I am important and I deserve to be happy.

Back then so much of my life wasn’t even mine. Maybe that was a huge part of the problem? I had given so much of myself away in being a wife and a mother, a career woman and a friend. The last person who received my time and attention was me.

Learn to retreat in healthy ways. It is okay to be alone with yourself. It is okay to grieve and to process. It is okay to feel the loss and the pain. But don’t stay there and don’t get stuck there. Being a victim is never attractive no matter how it comes about. Fight for yourself. You are worth the very best!

There will always be up and down days. Some days you will have stronger and better coping skills. Some days will be tough. It takes time. It takes time to acknowledge this, to accept this and then to learn how to live with it. In our disbelief and in our shock we tend to want to fight it. Very little is resolved in hanging on to that which has already left us.

Where it may seem so unnatural and so unkind, remember it is happening in record numbers and in families around the world. You are not alone. This month marks 18 years since the trauma of estrangement entered my life like an uninvited guest. I have been through all the stages from denial, anger, hurts and trying everything and anything and to finally arriving at pure total acceptance. My life is so great right now and I don’t think I could be happier or be surrounded by more love. I am so lucky to have survived it.

I thank everyone that reached out to me and shared their stories and supported me through all my writings. I would not have made it through without the love and support of so many people.

My best advice is to try and build an even better life. All those things that you wanted to do but never took the time to do; make the time and do them. Life goes on. Life is lived by looking forward and not from behind. You are worth so much more than to have the child or children that you gave your life for and invested so heavily in, discard you.

Remember it isn’t about you. It is all about them and their choices …

In God’s peace and love … Bernadette

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A Moyer available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble