Sisters

by Bernadette A. Sahm

If you are looking for a feel-good story about “sisters” this, isn’t it. Yes, I have witnessed sisters that are the best of friends and have loving and supportive relationships with their sisters, That, however, was not my experience.

After more than 30 years of writing books, blogs and articles, I have never written about my four sisters, well, not until now. It is my belief that my mother taught my sisters how to treat me. I was a “daddy’s girl” and often at odds with my mother. I am named after my father “Bernie” as my parents were hoping for a son and instead, they got Bernadette. I was the “son” they were hoping for, I loved my dad and grew up being close to him. He loved me too and I always felt it.

Now back to my “sisters” I was the second born of five daughters and as a little girl I was often taunted by them. “Bernadette, Cycle 3 for the overweight dog.” They were referencing a type of dog food that was on the market back then. After my parents divorced, I was heartbroken and without an ally in my dad. My father had moved on with another woman and other children.

My sisters would say, “You are just like dad, why don’t you go live with him.” That was not an option and they knew it.

Childhood stuff, yeah, well okay but it didn’t stop there. When my first husband died, my wedding rings were missing from my apartment. An apartment where my sisters often babysat my daughter the first-born grandchild and their niece. (with pay) When I realized my wedding ring was missing, I was certain my sister took it. After sharing this with our mother she said, “how could you say such a thing?’

Months later while in our mother’s driveway, the sister I suspected of taking my wedding ring was sitting in the passenger seat of my car. We had been out together somewhere that day, when she said, “I have something to tell you.” My response was, “no you don’t just give it back.” And she did along with a beautiful poem she had written about me. I was right all along.

They would take my new clothing still with the tags on from my closet and wear them without asking. Once I loaned another sister the ivory silk dress, I owned that was the most expensive dress I ever had at that time. She was going on a very special date, and I willingly loaned it to her, asking only that she have it dry cleaned when she returned it. We agreed on this. Days later she returned the dress in plastic like you would get from the cleaners. I looked at it all wrinkled and said, “where was it cleaned it looks terrible?” Her response, “I don’t remember.”

At a different time and yet another sister had broken up with her live-in boyfriend. She needed a place to stay and my mother asked me. Ok. I moved my toddler in with me and gave up the second bedroom for her to use. After work one night (I had a paid babysitter) I found a roasted chicken in my frig with a note attached that read, “do not touch”. This sister stayed with me for weeks or months rent free and never bothered to buy toilet paper, shampoo, soap etc. My babysitter at this time called out sick and I was scheduled to work. I asked the sister who was living with me rent free if she could babysit for a few hours so I could go to work. Her response, “are you going to pay me?”

When abuse married into our family, I chose to believe the child who confided in me, the “sisters” all took the side of supporting our mother who married that man. Mom and I never had a fight about it. It would silently become clear to me that I had been excluded from the family. Holidays came and went and I was not included.

Not long after the abuse became clear to me, my youngest sister was about to have her first child, a son. My husband and I were asked to be the Godparents, and we were honored to do so. When she was still in the hospital after giving birth, I called her to see how she was doing. She was distressed and upset as I inquired about what was wrong, she said, “mom said if you are the Godparents when our baby is baptized, she’s not coming. I said, “let me make this easy for you, we are out.” This was the last time I ever had any meaningful communication with a sister of mine.

The last time I saw my mother was at her farm in Pennsylvania, her abusive husband wasn’t home. It was a quick visit during the Christmas holidays, she would “gift” me a $50 bill and bottle of liquor. I was certain this was a last moment gesture and surely not very personal.

Mom would spend the last twenty-five years estranged from me, I tried, she never did. The final blow from my “sisters” would be to exclude me in her obituary. When family members like Aunts and Uncles questioned this, the response was “it was what our mother wanted” either way, them or her, it didn’t make any of them look good and only proved my points about “them” and me.

There are many more stories about them that I could share, but it all points back to the same things; a lack of boundaries, a lack of respect and no love.

So here it is my one and only writing about my so called “sisters” what I can say with certainty is that they have repeatedly shown me who and what I don’t want to be. Blood does not make us “sisters” how we treat each other does. I am blessed with great girlfriends and friendships. When I think of them, the four “sisters” I shake my head and my prayers for them are always the same.

“I hope God gives them every life lesson they need to learn.”

From a favorite author Anne Lamott … “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

And that is my story …

#sisters #family #peace #estrangement #life #lessons

The Other Side of Estrangement

by Bernadette A. Sahm

“The day you stop begging your adult child to love you is the day you finally get your life back. We spent years convincing ourselves that if we just find the right words, give enough space, or apologize one more time, the wall between us will fall down. It won’t. A bridge cannot be built from one side alone. Accepting that someone has zero tolerance for you isn’t quitting … its stopping an argument with reality.” from Soul Whisper

Guess what? You aren’t that special!

Estrangement is everywhere and in all kinds of families. It used to be so shocking and so embarrassing and made you feel so small. But today it is an epidemic and not so rare. It was so shame-filled but again not so much today. YOU have normalized the brokenness in a family and the lack of maturity for understanding and communication by estranging. Just like a child who doesn’t get their way, you stormed off angry. Kept up the facade and now it is your mantra for your life. Let’s face it, everyone came from someone and from somewhere, but you alone decided dismissal was the only answer for all involved.

I began writing about estrangement in 1998 when my teen child left home and deleted me from her life. Period. Her decision and her choice. She had just graduated from a very pricey all-girls Catholic prep school just a few weeks earlier. She achieved a fully funded college scholarship, was gifted a car, had a part-time job, and a steady boyfriend. I thought she was happy and set up on a path for success and happiness. I was in shock and ill-prepared for her next move; estrangement. Nothing in life can prepare you for having loved a child so deeply and for so long and then poof, its gone and over. You are standing there alone, in shock, in shame and totally dismembered.

Through the years, I connected by my writings, the subject of estrangement was almost taboo at that time. My words and my writings were welcomed and embraced by many other mothers and fathers who were also broken from the surgical removal of their adult child from them and their lives. It was shameful, seldom discussed and left you in isolation. I didn’t have any answers and all I could do was share my story and remind them they were not alone.

On a larger scale I have come to believe that a lot of anger and discontent stems from jealousy. I see it in our society today. What is jealousy? An emotion that includes anger, fear and sadness. Aging allows maturity and the ability to let things go. Anger never looks good on anyone, even when justified, it’s not a good look.

They say grief is the void where love used to live but then has no place to go. Like all loss I went through the many stages of grief from denial to complete acceptance. In the beginning I kept thinking she would grow up and come around. Only to find that after years and years she still carried such deep hatred for me.

There are many in my group who are still holding out such hope, that their child’s heart will soften toward them. For them I hope so, but I just don’t see it happening. Why would you want them back? Someone, anyone that can delete you from their life with such callousness, doesn’t deserve another shot at your heart. They have already shown you who they are and what they are capable of doing. No thanks!

When I was still “hopeful” I was keeping the hurts open and unhealed. Now 28 years later, I am good. I made my peace with God and that is all that matters for me. What was once a cause for deep pain and shame, now comes with, “it wasn’t meant to be” for us to continue in any relationship. She got what she wanted just like she always did with me.

Statistics today are that 28% to 36% of adult children estrange from one or both parents. Estrangement has become quite common.

Where I benefitted was that I took my pain and 1) wrote about it connected to thousands of others and tried to comfort them 2) worked for many nonprofits for children, youth and young adults. started fundraising for special needs kids in a level 5 school and later Catholic youth and young adults. I used my pain to help others and in turn it helped me to heal.

There are so many resources out there today, support groups for the family and grief-stricken parents. Many, many, writings on estrangement are available. Currently I follow doctors who speak to all the cycles of recovery. And a daughter who speaks out on how bad she was to her mother and regrets it. How she believes she was both selfish and deeply judgmental.

Like any loss, a death, break up, estrangement has all the levels from shock until acceptance. We never really get over these losses, but we can and we do learn how to live with it.

Once I had a little girl that I loved and adored and I have wonderful memories and lovely photographs from another time. Today we are complete strangers. The good news is that my life today is filled with love, filled with peace and filled with happiness, what more could I ever ask for?

#estrangement #loss #family #grief

Bernadette on Facebook http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

@bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

I Remember

by Bernadette A. Sahm

I remember you said, “Kentucky Fried Chicken always tastes better on the boat.”

I remember you as a toddler walking down the stairs with bed head hair created by undoing your braids.

I remember all the times you protected me and looked out for me.

I remember drunk nights that started in a bar and turned into a house dance party.

I remember first days on the job and those that welcomed me.

I remember walking alone along the Magnificent Mile in Chicago and thinking how grown up I felt.

I remember my first book launch party. My first car and so many other “firsts”

I remember the man who made me a mother.

I remember long coffee conversations with my dad.

I remember my grandmother pressing cotton sheets in the hotel she and my grandfather owned.

I remember my first banana seat bike and all the many neighborhood rides in Allentown, PA.

I remember Deep Purple as my first outdoor concert when I was just a teenager.

I remember my first visit to the ocean as it was Asbury Park, NJ.

I remember card games on the beach at Lake Hauto with family members.

I remember the day that my mother died and those who contacted me to let me know.

I remember where I was when 9/11 happened and where I was when the news that President Kennedy was shot and killed.

I remember grief when you died and more grief when another chose to leave me.

I remember my first date/kiss/intimate experience.

I remember my college roommate being openly and wildly gay.

I remember Nashville for the first visit and the most recent visit.

I remember all five of our Bichons; Happy, Happy Again, Chipper and Bailey and Buddy.

I remember the chlorine smells when the pool needed chemical balance.

I remember Hess’s Patio Restaurant and the high-end fashion shows that took place as we ate our lunch.

I remember the first grant I wrote for $100,000 that was approved and who was sitting in my office when that call came in.

I remember my favorite author who I watched on television for years before I met her and we became friends. RIP Susan White-Bowden.

I remember the first time I met Gary Allan, my all-time favorite Country Music Artist.

I remember flying to Texas alone as I finalized my husband’s business and personal property after his untimely death.

I remember Claude and my dad picking me up from underneath my arms and carrying me away to the first car after Randy was laid to rest.

I remember more good than bad, but I also know that all my memories are a testament to a full life worth living.

I remember …

Think about all those memories and who and what you remember and why?

Bernadette on Facebook and http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#memories #remember #history #life #well-lived

I Always Wanted To Be A Mom

by Bernadette A. Sahm

From the time I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother. When my youngest sister was a tiny baby, my mother would wake me up to calm her down. It was during the night when Iris cried that I was called upon to comfort her. Her tiny fingers would wrap around my index finger as I would rock her back to sleep.

When I was twelve years old, I started babysitting for a Baptist family and their little girl named Ariane just stole my heart. She was the cutesiest little thing, and I vowed that if I ever had a girl, I would name her Ariane and I did.

At the age of 13 I became a C. I. T. a Counselor in Training at both a day camp and resident camp. At Camp Hi Hill and Camp Horseshoe in Pennsylvania I worked my way up from C.I. T. to Counselor to Unit Leader through many childhood summers. At one time I was the youngest Unit Leader. I loved kids and they loved me!

In our family I was the second oldest daughter of five girls. As one of the oldest we were often tasked with looking after the two youngest and we would refer to them as “the kids” are the kids home? Are the kids outside playing?

At the age of nineteen, I married (I know so young!) and three days after my twenty first birthday gave birth to my daughter. I loved being her mom. When her dad died, she was a toddler of two years old, I became both mom and dad. Nothing was too good for her which included expensive private schooling. She was everything to me and being “mom” was the one role I most valued in life.

When I turned forty years old and not long after my oldest child left home, I went on to work at The Children’s Guild in Baltimore. I served in the development department raising much needed fund for kids from poverty and with educational and emotionally difficulties. It was there that I became aware just how much I had given my children as their mother and how many opportunities they were given as our kids.

My last career job supporting children was as the Development Director in a Catholic youth retreat house. Serving children through many decades has always been paramount in my life. I’ve been blessed to support many young people as they transitioned from student to career jobs.

After almost ten years, as a single mom, I would meet my forever husband Brian and take on the mother role for his pre-mature newborn infant twins. Being a mother was everything to me. I came into the twin’s life when they were just eighty-seven days old after their birth mom died.

Being a mother is both the most rewarding and joy that I have ever known in my lifetime and sadly has also afforded me the most grief. Little children are easy to love and care for, when they grow up it can be so much more challenging.

Today and after thirty-eight consecutive years of having children in my home I am happy to say they are on their own. And now I am happily a “dog mom” to our precious bichons Bailey and Buddy.

On this Mother’s Day 2026, I celebrate all the moms out there, no one said it would be easy, but it sure is both memorable and rewarding to know that we did it!

Happy Mother’s Day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blessings,

Bernadette

on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#mom #mothers #mothersday #family #children #life #love #experience

My Friend Jack Died

By Bernadette A. Sahm

Each and every death forces us to face our own mortality. My friend Jack died yesterday on April 10th; I learned this early this morning after I received a text from his daughter Dawn. She sent it the same day that he died. That same morning, I mailed him a card. I was just saying hi and I am thinking of you, mailed it from our local post office. I had no idea that just a few hours earlier he had passed away.

Jack came into my life in early 1999, we met at my retail store located in the old Hunt Valley Mall. He lived in Pennsylvania just north of our location. He had a huge warm and happy demeanor. He soon became my friend and not long after like family to me and my family.

God knows what and who we need, the year I met Jack my heart was broken. A few months earlier my then teen daughter graduated from high school and weeks later estranged from me. I was a walking wooded wreck. I was writing and shared some of my stories with Jack. Initially I believe he felt sorry for me and couldn’t understand it. He had been retired with grown adult children who remained in his life, and some of them he was very close with … he openly welcomed me and my heart break into his family.

We went to his home in Pennsylvania on an Easter holiday and got to know him and his family. It was exactly what I needed at that time. Years later he moved to Mississippi to be close to his daughter and grandchildren who had relocated there. Again, our family made the long trip from Maryland to Mississippi to share Thanksgiving with him, his wife and children. Always fun to be in Jack’s company.

One year Jack and his wife Marlyn came back to our area and stayed for a week with us in Maryland. During that time, he attended one of my fundraiser events Trends, Tulips & Tea at a special needs school. He came with his family and was as usual so complimentary and supportive. That same trip I drove Jack and Marlyn to our beach house in Delaware for a few nights. He loved it! He loved the ocean and could see why we would eventually retire to this beach town.

Jack loved it that I was an author and supported me and my books. One year I had a tent at the Baltimore Book Festival and Jack showed up. He ended up staying and helping my husband Brian sell my books. It was there and over a few beers and book sales that they bonded.

The last time I spoke with Jack he sounded rough and that he was struggling to speak. I felt bad and wanted to get off the phone. He was in his 90’s and I knew the end was near. Yet today I find myself fighting back the tears. I have so many memories! All good ones! One year I flew down to Mississippi by myself for a long weekend visit. He was waiting for me at the airport. Jack couldn’t wait to tell me he had purchased tickets to see Travis Tritt in concert at the local casino. It was a birthday surprise for me and I loved it. He didn’t need another daughter as he had three of his own, and yet I felt totally embraced and loved by Jack.

He would love it that I am writing about him and sharing some of our stories. If he was alive and I wrote all this, I just know he would take it to all his friends and family and share my words and stories. He was so proud of his friend being a writer and made sure everyone knew it.

Heaven has a new angel, and those of us who knew and loved him are both saddened by his departure and warmed by all the love and fun times we shared with him. Oh, and then there was the time we went to Elvis’ house, Graceland in Memphis together and another the opening weekend at the movies for the Johnny Cash movie Walk the Line. One year we met up during the holidays at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee. Many memories for sure …

Jack loved his wife Marlyn, and he loved all his children, he loved them dearly and deeply, and to know Jack was to love him. RIP my dear friend, you will not be forgotten. My life is so much better for having you in it.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#friends #death #life #loss #love

What is love?

By Bernadette A. Sahm

I remember when I worked with someone who said that love was the most overused word in the English language. And I was like absolutely not, you can’t say it enough and you can’t act on it enough! LOVE LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, just saying it makes me so happy!

For me I love so many things and so many people, I love my husband more than anyone else and I love my friends and my precious pooches. I love our home, family and friends. I could go on and on about all the many things that I love.

But on a deeper level, what is love? An emotion, a feeling, an act, a way of life? How do you define love? Is it simplistic or is it complicated? I’m guessing it can be many things to many people.

For me it feels good to love and to be loved. My husband has been my greatest “love” in both giving me love and in receiving my love. For days I thought about writing this blog. What does love mean? Is it caring, it is sharing is it _____?

When I asked my husband Brian, “What does love mean to you?” In a very sober and rapid response he said, “One word, Bernadette.” Wow! I didn’t see that one coming but what a great response. At least for me!

We are retired; we raised three children together. We had career jobs, a few houses, many cars, many travels and five precious pups. A lifetime of love built on a solid commitment of caring, devotion and love. I was initially afraid to get married because I had failed relationships and never wanted to be divorced.

My husband has loved me more and longer than anyone else. I know how lucky I am and how lucky we are as we thrived and survived through many life altering events. It has not always been easy, and it has not always been without our share of friction. One of the best parts of this stage of our lives is that we are so happy together and at peace, we love.

When we go to sleep at night, my husband holds me until I fall asleep, He holds me every night. We laugh because he says it hurts his arm but don’t worry, I am here to hold you until you fall asleep. I don’t believe my love, our love, is supposed to look like your love and that is the beauty of love.

Many times, my husband has said that he would die for me, my response is always the same in, but I want you to live for me!

“I don’t know about you, but I was put here to live and love so what if I don’t do it like everyone else does.” From the song Like It’s A Bad Thing by Gary Allan

MY WISH is that we as a community and as a society would focus more on love and all that we love instead of hatred and discourse. I want love for all the friends I have for all the family I have and for everyone. Love more and your life is sure to be so much happier, we get what we focus on, we receive what we put our energy into.

“Where there is love there is life.” Mahatma Gandhi

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @Bernadettesahm

#love #caring #relationships #happiness

What Is Meant For You

By Bernadette A. Sahm

What is meant for you, will find you! I am a firm believer in this statement. If it is meant to happen, if someone is meant to be in your life, it will happen.

Several years ago, I was working on a project with another professional colleague. We shared some personal stories. I was talking to her about a relationship that ended and left me quite sad and gutted. Her response was, “It wasn’t meant to be.” At the time that was not what I wanted to hear. Since then, I have often reflected on it. It wasn’t meant to be.

We all get older and hopefully wiser. My younger self wanted a different outcome. Today my mature self believes what is meant for you, will find you. If it doesn’t it wasn’t meant to be. Peace and happiness come from acceptance and understanding.

All that I have is meant for me, all that I don’t wasn’t meant to be. I know it sounds so simple, but I think that it’s meant to be that simplistic.

Think about all things that just came naturally and at the time when you were open and ready to receive it. What is meant for you quotes emphasize that destined opportunities, relationships, and successes will naturally align with your life, and this encourages patience, trust, and letting go of forced outcomes.

What is meant for you, will find you!

Peace and blessings, Bernadette

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @Bernadettesahm

The Grief I Carried

by Bernadette A. Sahm

The grief I carried was deep and not because of all the hurts I survived

But rather for the empty holes left inside of me, by you

The pain of real loss, loss in not having but

Knowing you should have had, the pain of no desire for understanding

The pain of your many convictions, the pain was real and yet through it all

These many years lives so deeply that its no longer relevant

Nor present on a daily basis that pain of believing

I had you, loved you, knew you and only came to realize

I never had you, nor could I love you enough to right all your many wrongs

And in the end, I found that I never knew you at all

My peace didn’t come from trying to hang on, it came from shedding

It was the letting go with grace and in God’s love

Where I survived and thrived in love and in happiness

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#life #lessons #wisdom #love #grace #peace #faith #God

He Gone

by Bernadette A. Sahm

You can’t open any news source without learning that celebrity couple Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman have split after 19 years of marriage. Like most people I am a bit shocked and saddened as it appeared they were a happy and loving couple.

This celebrity news has caused more than a few “couple conversations” with my husband. We have been together for 34 years now and married for 28 years. It is not always easy, but we are committed and stay in love. I hate the term “work at it” as I would rather say we try to keep it fun and happy. We enjoyed each other’s company and like many of the same things. We grew up during the same time period.

They say Keith moved out from the family months ago and are just now making it public knowledge. My husband’s immediate response was “somebody didn’t want it” in regard to their marriage. It made me think that yeah, the only “secret” to a happy marriage is that both people have to want it.

When a man moves out of the family home and purchases his own private residence you can almost guarantee it is because he has found a new partner. I am willing to bet that Nicole has been replaced with a younger version. We have witnessed this show before …

I am a firm believer that when it is over, it is over, both people have to want it for a marriage to succeed. I can’t imagine what is more difficult to leave or to stay in a relationship that you don’t want to be in and are unhappy.

What I think is that he is gone and in my life experience Nicole will find someone or someone better!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

I Want History

by Bernadette A. Sahm

I want to have history with you, he said.

I want to take care of you, he said.

I want to love you, he said.

I will give you everything I have, he said.

Let’s do this, he said.

Will you marry me? he said.

I am here for you, he said.

We will outlast them, he said.

You have my whole heart, he said.

You are the only one for me, he said.

You are not alone, he said.

You are the love of my life, he said.

You did all of this and so much more, I love you so much! She spoke.

Follow me on Facebook at http://www.Facebook,com/bernadetteamoyer

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(Happy 33 years together and 28 years married! I think we have “history” …)