The Other Side of Estrangement

by Bernadette A. Sahm

“The day you stop begging your adult child to love you is the day you finally get your life back. We spent years convincing ourselves that if we just find the right words, give enough space, or apologize one more time, the wall between us will fall down. It won’t. A bridge cannot be built from one side alone. Accepting that someone has zero tolerance for you isn’t quitting … its stopping an argument with reality.” from Soul Whisper

Guess what? You aren’t that special!

Estrangement is everywhere and in all kinds of families. It used to be so shocking and so embarrassing and made you feel so small. But today it is an epidemic and not so rare. It was so shame-filled but again not so much today. YOU have normalized the brokenness in a family and the lack of maturity for understanding and communication by estranging. Just like a child who doesn’t get their way, you stormed off angry. Kept up the facade and now it is your mantra for your life. Let’s face it, everyone came from someone and from somewhere, but you alone decided dismissal was the only answer for all involved.

I began writing about estrangement in 1998 when my teen child left home and deleted me from her life. Period. Her decision and her choice. She had just graduated from a very pricey all-girls Catholic prep school just a few weeks earlier. She achieved a fully funded college scholarship, was gifted a car, had a part-time job, and a steady boyfriend. I thought she was happy and set up on a path for success and happiness. I was in shock and ill-prepared for her next move; estrangement. Nothing in life can prepare you for having loved a child so deeply and for so long and then poof, its gone and over. You are standing there alone, in shock, in shame and totally dismembered.

Through the years, I connected by my writings, the subject of estrangement was almost taboo at that time. My words and my writings were welcomed and embraced by many other mothers and fathers who were also broken from the surgical removal of their adult child from them and their lives. It was shameful, seldom discussed and left you in isolation. I didn’t have any answers and all I could do was share my story and remind them they were not alone.

On a larger scale I have come to believe that a lot of anger and discontent stems from jealousy. I see it in our society today. What is jealousy? An emotion that includes anger, fear and sadness. Aging allows maturity and the ability to let things go. Anger never looks good on anyone, even when justified, it’s not a good look.

They say grief is the void where love used to live but then has no place to go. Like all loss I went through the many stages of grief from denial to complete acceptance. In the beginning I kept thinking she would grow up and come around. Only to find that after years and years she still carried such deep hatred for me.

There are many in my group who are still holding out such hope, that their child’s heart will soften toward them. For them I hope so, but I just don’t see it happening. Why would you want them back? Someone, anyone that can delete you from their life with such callousness, doesn’t deserve another shot at your heart. They have already shown you who they are and what they are capable of doing. No thanks!

When I was still “hopeful” I was keeping the hurts open and unhealed. Now 28 years later, I am good. I made my peace with God and that is all that matters for me. What was once a cause for deep pain and shame, now comes with, “it wasn’t meant to be” for us to continue in any relationship. She got what she wanted just like she always did with me.

Statistics today are that 28% to 36% of adult children estrange from one or both parents. Estrangement has become quite common.

Where I benefitted was that I took my pain and 1) wrote about it connected to thousands of others and tried to comfort them 2) worked for many nonprofits for children, youth and young adults. started fundraising for special needs kids in a level 5 school and later Catholic youth and young adults. I used my pain to help others and in turn it helped me to heal.

There are so many resources out there today, support groups for the family and grief-stricken parents. Many, many, writings on estrangement are available. Currently I follow doctors who speak to all the cycles of recovery. And a daughter who speaks out on how bad she was to her mother and regrets it. How she believes she was both selfish and deeply judgmental.

Like any loss, a death, break up, estrangement has all the levels from shock until acceptance. We never really get over these losses, but we can and we do learn how to live with it.

Once I had a little girl that I loved and adored and I have wonderful memories and lovely photographs from another time. Today we are complete strangers. The good news is that my life today is filled with love, filled with peace and filled with happiness, what more could I ever ask for?

#estrangement #loss #family #grief

Bernadette on Facebook http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

@bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

My Friend Jack Died

By Bernadette A. Sahm

Each and every death forces us to face our own mortality. My friend Jack died yesterday on April 10th; I learned this early this morning after I received a text from his daughter Dawn. She sent it the same day that he died. That same morning, I mailed him a card. I was just saying hi and I am thinking of you, mailed it from our local post office. I had no idea that just a few hours earlier he had passed away.

Jack came into my life in early 1999, we met at my retail store located in the old Hunt Valley Mall. He lived in Pennsylvania just north of our location. He had a huge warm and happy demeanor. He soon became my friend and not long after like family to me and my family.

God knows what and who we need, the year I met Jack my heart was broken. A few months earlier my then teen daughter graduated from high school and weeks later estranged from me. I was a walking wooded wreck. I was writing and shared some of my stories with Jack. Initially I believe he felt sorry for me and couldn’t understand it. He had been retired with grown adult children who remained in his life, and some of them he was very close with … he openly welcomed me and my heart break into his family.

We went to his home in Pennsylvania on an Easter holiday and got to know him and his family. It was exactly what I needed at that time. Years later he moved to Mississippi to be close to his daughter and grandchildren who had relocated there. Again, our family made the long trip from Maryland to Mississippi to share Thanksgiving with him, his wife and children. Always fun to be in Jack’s company.

One year Jack and his wife Marlyn came back to our area and stayed for a week with us in Maryland. During that time, he attended one of my fundraiser events Trends, Tulips & Tea at a special needs school. He came with his family and was as usual so complimentary and supportive. That same trip I drove Jack and Marlyn to our beach house in Delaware for a few nights. He loved it! He loved the ocean and could see why we would eventually retire to this beach town.

Jack loved it that I was an author and supported me and my books. One year I had a tent at the Baltimore Book Festival and Jack showed up. He ended up staying and helping my husband Brian sell my books. It was there and over a few beers and book sales that they bonded.

The last time I spoke with Jack he sounded rough and that he was struggling to speak. I felt bad and wanted to get off the phone. He was in his 90’s and I knew the end was near. Yet today I find myself fighting back the tears. I have so many memories! All good ones! One year I flew down to Mississippi by myself for a long weekend visit. He was waiting for me at the airport. Jack couldn’t wait to tell me he had purchased tickets to see Travis Tritt in concert at the local casino. It was a birthday surprise for me and I loved it. He didn’t need another daughter as he had three of his own, and yet I felt totally embraced and loved by Jack.

He would love it that I am writing about him and sharing some of our stories. If he was alive and I wrote all this, I just know he would take it to all his friends and family and share my words and stories. He was so proud of his friend being a writer and made sure everyone knew it.

Heaven has a new angel, and those of us who knew and loved him are both saddened by his departure and warmed by all the love and fun times we shared with him. Oh, and then there was the time we went to Elvis’ house, Graceland in Memphis together and another the opening weekend at the movies for the Johnny Cash movie Walk the Line. One year we met up during the holidays at the Opryland Hotel in Nashville, Tennessee. Many memories for sure …

Jack loved his wife Marlyn, and he loved all his children, he loved them dearly and deeply, and to know Jack was to love him. RIP my dear friend, you will not be forgotten. My life is so much better for having you in it.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#friends #death #life #loss #love

Everyone Has “A Story”

Everyone Has “A Story”
By Bernadette A. Moyer

Everyone has a story! We all do! They say, “Writers are observers of life.” Every few months if not every month I hear from someone that thinks they want to write and they have a “story.” They have a story to share. Usually it is about something they experienced and learned from and wish to share with other people.

I think we all crave a “connection” the ability to connect to others and find common ground and share. We are all more alike than not. That is probably why I have a hard time when people do things to others that they wouldn’t want done to themselves. But that is another story.

When I am approached my answer is always the same, “just write! Jump in and start!” For most of us our “story” is already written we just need to get it down and share it. Often times the hardest part is the jumping off point and just getting started. Most often I find after starting is just flows and takes on a life of its own. It is for me, a truly organic process.

I also ask the same question, “Who is your target market audience?” If you are writing for yourself that is a diary or a journal. If you are planning to write your story and you wish to share it with an audience, who is that audience? What group of people will read your written work? What do you wish to accomplish by writing and then sharing?

Most everyone can relate to someone else and their experiences. We are not alone. There isn’t something that has happened that someone else hasn’t already experienced but the difference might be how we handled it and what we learned from it. Can we now inspire another person with our writings and our story, our life experience?

I have also heard it said that you need to have a certain amount of life experiences that most often come with age, until you really have something to write about and that is worthy of sharing. I always encouraged my kids to write. Many times they would ask me, “But what should I write about?” I always had a list that I could just rattle off things like 1) what is feels like to be a twin 2) what it feels like to know that your birth mother died and you never got to know her? 3) What you had to do to become an Eagle Scout 4) baking your first cake 5) first dates and the list goes on and on.

We all have “a story” and we all have something we can share. Stephen King wrote a book years ago titled, On Writing that I found helpful. I also used to read books about marketing your story and your book. There is no greater high for a writer than to be read, to be understood and to have that reader connect. I have often said, “That is my paycheck” when someone reads me, gets me and can connect to me from something I have written and shared.

There is a lot of healing for many people in writing, I, myself included and everyone has their own form. I think of it as an art form, the way we express ourselves and how and what we share. Just like an artist with a painting. That art makes you feel something and it is an expression from the artist. Writing to me, is that same experience. It should make you feel something.

So here is to all the writers out there that have a story to share, my advice, just write! Jump in and just get started, you never know where it will lead until you write it! Write!

http://www.bernadetteamoyer.wordpress.com and http://www.bernadetteamoyer.com
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