The Other Side of Estrangement

by Bernadette A. Sahm

“The day you stop begging your adult child to love you is the day you finally get your life back. We spent years convincing ourselves that if we just find the right words, give enough space, or apologize one more time, the wall between us will fall down. It won’t. A bridge cannot be built from one side alone. Accepting that someone has zero tolerance for you isn’t quitting … its stopping an argument with reality.” from Soul Whisper

Guess what? You aren’t that special!

Estrangement is everywhere and in all kinds of families. It used to be so shocking and so embarrassing and made you feel so small. But today it is an epidemic and not so rare. It was so shame-filled but again not so much today. YOU have normalized the brokenness in a family and the lack of maturity for understanding and communication by estranging. Just like a child who doesn’t get their way, you stormed off angry. Kept up the facade and now it is your mantra for your life. Let’s face it, everyone came from someone and from somewhere, but you alone decided dismissal was the only answer for all involved.

I began writing about estrangement in 1998 when my teen child left home and deleted me from her life. Period. Her decision and her choice. She had just graduated from a very pricey all-girls Catholic prep school just a few weeks earlier. She achieved a fully funded college scholarship, was gifted a car, had a part-time job, and a steady boyfriend. I thought she was happy and set up on a path for success and happiness. I was in shock and ill-prepared for her next move; estrangement. Nothing in life can prepare you for having loved a child so deeply and for so long and then poof, its gone and over. You are standing there alone, in shock, in shame and totally dismembered.

Through the years, I connected by my writings, the subject of estrangement was almost taboo at that time. My words and my writings were welcomed and embraced by many other mothers and fathers who were also broken from the surgical removal of their adult child from them and their lives. It was shameful, seldom discussed and left you in isolation. I didn’t have any answers and all I could do was share my story and remind them they were not alone.

On a larger scale I have come to believe that a lot of anger and discontent stems from jealousy. I see it in our society today. What is jealousy? An emotion that includes anger, fear and sadness. Aging allows maturity and the ability to let things go. Anger never looks good on anyone, even when justified, it’s not a good look.

They say grief is the void where love used to live but then has no place to go. Like all loss I went through the many stages of grief from denial to complete acceptance. In the beginning I kept thinking she would grow up and come around. Only to find that after years and years she still carried such deep hatred for me.

There are many in my group who are still holding out such hope, that their child’s heart will soften toward them. For them I hope so, but I just don’t see it happening. Why would you want them back? Someone, anyone that can delete you from their life with such callousness, doesn’t deserve another shot at your heart. They have already shown you who they are and what they are capable of doing. No thanks!

When I was still “hopeful” I was keeping the hurts open and unhealed. Now 28 years later, I am good. I made my peace with God and that is all that matters for me. What was once a cause for deep pain and shame, now comes with, “it wasn’t meant to be” for us to continue in any relationship. She got what she wanted just like she always did with me.

Statistics today are that 28% to 36% of adult children estrange from one or both parents. Estrangement has become quite common.

Where I benefitted was that I took my pain and 1) wrote about it connected to thousands of others and tried to comfort them 2) worked for many nonprofits for children, youth and young adults. started fundraising for special needs kids in a level 5 school and later Catholic youth and young adults. I used my pain to help others and in turn it helped me to heal.

There are so many resources out there today, support groups for the family and grief-stricken parents. Many, many, writings on estrangement are available. Currently I follow doctors who speak to all the cycles of recovery. And a daughter who speaks out on how bad she was to her mother and regrets it. How she believes she was both selfish and deeply judgmental.

Like any loss, a death, break up, estrangement has all the levels from shock until acceptance. We never really get over these losses, but we can and we do learn how to live with it.

Once I had a little girl that I loved and adored and I have wonderful memories and lovely photographs from another time. Today we are complete strangers. The good news is that my life today is filled with love, filled with peace and filled with happiness, what more could I ever ask for?

#estrangement #loss #family #grief

Bernadette on Facebook http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

@bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

That Moment

What’s a moment when you realized you were officially an adult?

The moment I realized I was officially an adult was when I watched my husbands casket being lowered into the ground. I was now a 23 year old widow. I realized I had passed a milestone in life where my experiences were more adult than even what my own parents had yet to experience in their lives.

I knew I was officially an adult and actually felt really old. During that time those first few years, I looked really old too. I felt the weight of my own life decisions heavily weighing on me. That was then.

Years and years later people would tell me I looked younger as I was aging. I agree!

Certain things in life happen where you are definitely no longer a child, and being a young widow with a toddler at that time was definitely when it happened for me.

#adult #mature #aging #widow #life #lessons #death #growing-up

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

Other writings available http://www.bernadetteamoyer.org

Life is for the living …

What’s a quote that perfectly describes your outlook on life?

Life is for the living, live it! Has been my mantra since the age of 23 when my first husband Randy died.

As a young married woman with a toddler if was my first real experience with death. This death totally transformed my views on life and living.

Not one of us knows how long we have here on earth. When someone you knew well and intimately unexpectedly dies at a young age, it changes you.

I learned very early on that life is for the living, live it! Translation don’t take anything for granted, don’t put off what you can do today because we are not guaranteed a tomorrow.

That doesn’t mean we should be reckless and without intention but rather that we should live fully for the time that our lives allow.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#life #living #lessons #death

Comfortable Casual

What’s your home decoration style?

My home is comfy and cozy by design. We live at the beach and there is also a coastal classic flair to it.

Part of what I’m drawn to from growing up on a farm can also be described as a twist on Country French. Visitors tell us our home is comfortable and recently a friend called it “cute” much of what we incorporate into our home environment has some fondness or memories associated with it.

Like my personality there is nothing pretentious in our home. It’s welcoming by design. A place of calm and retreat surrounded by my many books.

During the holidays our everyday plate and glass collection is replaced with Christmas themed plates and glassware.

Being so close to the ocean we tend to decorate for two seasons like summer coastal and winter Christmas. That’s what works for us!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#home #decor #style #comfy #cozy #country #homesweethome

Staying Alive

by Bernadette A. Sahm

My husband and I decided that our mantra for this period of our lives in retirement will be referred to as “STAYING ALIVE” and the Bee Gees song Stayin’ Alive from 1977 is our theme song! So it goes …

“Well now, I get low and I get high And if I can’t get either, I really try Got the wings of heaven on my shoes I’m a dancin’ man and I just can’t lose You know it’s all right, it’s okay I’ll live to see another day …”

For us it’s about a wholistic approach to living out the rest of our lives with the trinity of mind, body and soul. What have we done and what can we do to be sure that each and every day we do something that 1) enriches our mind through reading, conversations, laughter and learning 2) what healthy choices have we made for our bodies like good healthy eating choices and exercise and 3) have we prayed and enlightened our souls, have we connected to others and the Lord our God in a meaningful way.

We try and live a healthy lifestyle grounded in gratitude and love. We eat fresh fruits and vegetables and good prime meats for protein. Eggs are a stable and healthy fats. Being Italian we, both enjoy a pasta dish at least once a week. Exercise is important to us whether at the gym or outside activities, we do our best to get our goal of 10,000 steps daily. Living minutes from the ocean allows us such great beach walks and getaways. Sunshine is healthy too! The air by the ocean just feels more alive and for us it never gets old.

Fun stuff like spending time with friends and loved ones as well as enjoying concerts, restaurants and the theater outings make us happy. We both love music and nothing better than live music from a beloved artist. Traveling is fun and we prefer a healthy long road trip to planes, do love a good train ride too.

Seeking out beauty in all its forms adds to our love of life and our staying alive mantra!

Not long ago an acquaintance who is still working full time asked us, “what do you do all day?” In unison we responded with, “whatever we want to do!’ We love our life and my husband Brian often remarks, “we earned it!” Both of us have worked hard in our careers and together we raised three children and five precious pups! We have lived a full life and this phase means so much to us. We choose peace, love and happiness and we choose it each and every single day!

So here is to “staying alive” as long as possible and hopefully until we take our last breath … and doing it our way …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#living #life #stayingalive #healthychoices #goodliving

Shaped by …

Do you think we’re shaped more by our experiences or by who we are?

By Bernadette A. Sahm

Such a great question! Are we shaped by our genetic makeup and who we are born into? Or are we shaped by the experiences we have in our lives?

I’m willing to bet it’s both, part of our personality comes from our family ties and our roots, and part of our personality is formed by who and what we experience in our lifetime.

We are a composite of all that we learn and who we learn from.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

I Remember

by Bernadette A. Sahm

I remember you said, “Kentucky Fried Chicken always tastes better on the boat.”

I remember you as a toddler walking down the stairs with bed head hair created by undoing your braids.

I remember all the times you protected me and looked out for me.

I remember drunk nights that started in a bar and turned into a house dance party.

I remember first days on the job and those that welcomed me.

I remember walking alone along the Magnificent Mile in Chicago and thinking how grown up I felt.

I remember my first book launch party. My first car and so many other “firsts”

I remember the man who made me a mother.

I remember long coffee conversations with my dad.

I remember my grandmother pressing cotton sheets in the hotel she and my grandfather owned.

I remember my first banana seat bike and all the many neighborhood rides in Allentown, PA.

I remember Deep Purple as my first outdoor concert when I was just a teenager.

I remember my first visit to the ocean as it was Asbury Park, NJ.

I remember card games on the beach at Lake Hauto with family members.

I remember the day that my mother died and those who contacted me to let me know.

I remember where I was when 9/11 happened and where I was when the news that President Kennedy was shot and killed.

I remember grief when you died and more grief when another chose to leave me.

I remember my first date/kiss/intimate experience.

I remember my college roommate being openly and wildly gay.

I remember Nashville for the first visit and the most recent visit.

I remember all five of our Bichons; Happy, Happy Again, Chipper and Bailey and Buddy.

I remember the chlorine smells when the pool needed chemical balance.

I remember Hess’s Patio Restaurant and the high-end fashion shows that took place as we ate our lunch.

I remember the first grant I wrote for $100,000 that was approved and who was sitting in my office when that call came in.

I remember my favorite author who I watched on television for years before I met her and we became friends. RIP Susan White-Bowden.

I remember the first time I met Gary Allan, my all-time favorite Country Music Artist.

I remember flying to Texas alone as I finalized my husband’s business and personal property after his untimely death.

I remember Claude and my dad picking me up from underneath my arms and carrying me away to the first car after Randy was laid to rest.

I remember more good than bad, but I also know that all my memories are a testament to a full life worth living.

I remember …

Think about all those memories and who and what you remember and why?

Bernadette on Facebook and http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#memories #remember #history #life #well-lived

The Last Time

by Bernadette A. Sahm

When was the last time you read a book from cover to cover?

When was the last time you watched the sun come up or sunset?

When was the last time you went a day without electronic devices?

When was the last time you volunteered or helped out a neighbor?

When was your last spa day, haircut, mani and pedicure?

When was the last time your rode your bike, horse, motorcycle?

When was the last time you baked a cake, cookies or a pie?

When was the last time you spent a day at the beach, the lake or the mountains?

When was the last time you said “hello” to a new friendship?

When was the last time you had to say a final “goodbye” to someone dear?

When was the last time you woke up refreshed and remembered your dreams?

When was the last time…

One day it truly will be our “last time” …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer and Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#life #living #livingwell #lasttime

Acts of Unexpected Kindness

What are you passionate about?

I absolutely love and am passionate about acts of love and kindness. Today while wading in the water at the beach, I was picking up shells and stones. A little boy about ten years old came up to me and handed me three perfect seashells. I said, “don’t you want them?” His response “no they are for you!” I was stunned and replied “you are such a sweetheart” he just walked away. It literally made my day and made me smile so much.

I went back to my husband who witnessed this act and told me the kid has good taste in making you happy!

When we go out I like to tip good service generously. I was once a waitress and know how hard they work. Giving is for the giver.

Often going through the toll booth we pay for the car behind us.

I am a big believer in what goodness you but into the world comes right back to you. We can focus on all the things we don’t like in the world or we can choose to be the change we want to see in the world.

That young boy gave freely with no agenda and it wasn’t lost on me. All I could think was someone raised a good boy and one day someone is going to be the recipient of his kind actions.

We reap what we sow. When we plant seeds of goodness and acts of kindness we are almost certain to benefit from it.

I love a beautiful life and being a good and giving person is what I am most passionate about.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer Instagram @bernadetteamoyer @bernadettesahm

#passionate #giving #generous #beautiful #life #lessons

Important for a good life …

What are the most important things needed to live a good life?

By Bernadette A. Sahm

The first thing that comes to mind as the most important things needed for a good life is peace, love and good health.

Living without worry and living in peace and with love are by far the most important things to live a good life.

Good health is also important. As for possessions a nice home and car or cars and a healthy bank account and a refrigerator and freezer filled with good foods.

Loving relationships and healthy friendships enhance a good life. It’s important to surround yourself with good people.

Doing what you love with who you love and where you love to be all makes for a good life. I am blessed to have a wonderful loving husband and a nice home near the ocean. We have good friends and two precious pups.

As a retired person “living the dream” I honestly feel that I have living a very good life. I thank God daily for all our many blessings!