abuse

Living a Lie

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Living a Lie
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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My husband is famous for saying “he/she is just living a lie.” Sadly we have known more than a few people like that, people that create a narrative to help justify their own poor behaviors. There are people that knowingly lie so they don’t have to accept responsibility for their circumstances and life choices.

We live in a world where “political correctness” often takes the place of harsh reality. And many of us actually bless it and go along with it. You can declare what sex you are! I recently filled out an application where I was asked if I was male, female, and other or does not wish to declare. Next thing we will be able to adjust who our parents are if we can fill out forms like a birth certificate and “declare” whatever sex we are then maybe the next step is we can also “declare” and decide whoever we want our parents to be regardless of who they truly were?

The definition of “mental illness” used to be defined as living in an altered reality and yet in our culture today we almost promote it.

I remember so vividly back in the 1980’s telling my mother that her husband was a child abuser and I will never ever forget her response to me, “we will never speak of this again” she said.

What she meant was I will never speak to you again. Think about that response? Not something like he would never do that or why on earth would you say that? But “never speak of this” she knew the truth and she lived more than 30 years with a lie. She was living a lie. It was easier for her to deny the truth than to face the cold harsh reality.

What made it even harder to witness was how she aligned herself with others in the family that would also provide cover for her and go along with the lie because the truth was just so hard to accept. Who on earth wants to be married to a child molester or have one in the family? In order for her to believe the truth she would have had to leave him and she wasn’t going to do that.

I couldn’t live her lie, I couldn’t live with it for me and I wouldn’t put my three children around someone that was known to me as a child abuser. There were no winners but I knew I did what had to be done. And even though I seldom spoke of it, let’s face it; it’s pretty embarrassing having a known child abuser marry into the family. Initially I didn’t want to embarrass my mother and I didn’t want to bring further harm to the child who trusted me enough to confide in me. Then one day you realize that by NOT speaking out and by not speaking the truth you have contributed to making yourself the scapegoat and a target.

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The problem with living a lie though is that seldom is it innocent and seldom does it just include or affect just one person. It has been said “you are only as sick as your secrets.”

They say that many abuse survivors go into an altered state to protect themselves when they are being abused. PTSD or posttraumatic stress disorder is a mental disorder that can develop after a person is exposed to a traumatic event such as sexual assault, warfare, traffic collisions or other threats on a person’s life. Many survivors can’t face the truth. It is just so painful and therefore some will create an alternate reality.

For almost 20 years now I have been a part of several support groups for estranged parents of adult children. I knew that pain from both sides. I knew it from my mother and years later I would know it from my daughter. I have been supported and I have supported many others through their shock and pain and disbelief. It’s messy. Most parents take it on themselves blaming themselves and looking at what they did, didn’t do and could have done differently. After all we were the adults, we were the parents we were the ones that raised them.

What I have uncovered in many circumstances and from speaking to parents as well as the adult children that estrange is that often it starts out simple enough, something was said and done or perceived as a wrong and the child decides to dismiss mom and dad from their lives.

But … and a big but as time goes by it becomes more and more difficult to return. Much has happened and typically the adult child has others in their ear it could be a spouse, a husband or wife a friend, a family member someone that usually has an agenda of their own. The adult child doesn’t want to be the “bad” one because what “good” adult child throws mom and dad away and erases them from their life? So mom and dad have to be the bad guys.

Recently I had an adult child confide in me that they literally sought out others in the family that would side with them. Anyone that already had issues was a new alliance in the estrangement. Sides are drawn and sides are chosen, again making any meaningful reconciliation virtually impossible.

The road coming back becomes littered with more and more lies … they lie to protect themselves, they lie about their families, they lie about mom and dad and in being a “victim” many reap the rewards of victimization. So the lies continue.

One lie typically leads to numerous other lies and sadly and eventually they end up living a lie … it has been said, “The only people who are mad at you for speaking the truth are those people who are living a lie. Keep speaking the truth.”

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

On Bended Knees

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On Bended Knees
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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As I was driving back home from the gym today I noticed a car with Texas tags, and living in Maryland I know just how far that Texas is and how many miles to drive from there to here. I had a rush of memories about the year that I lived in Beaumont, Texas with my first husband and our daughter who was just one year old.

I thought about how I came to Maryland to start a new life and to flee an abusive relationship. When I arrived in Maryland more than 35 years ago, I prayed I cried and I reminded myself of how I had to save myself and our daughter. This man that I married had a history of abuse from his previous relationships forward and I was warned about him. But just like any young girl/woman at just 19 years of age I had to make my own decisions.

If I had any doubts about leaving him our final day together soon took care of that as his parting “shot” literally was to punch me in the middle of my face. I skidded across the kitchen floor and ended up in a corner when he picked me up by my shirt and went at me again. That next morning I set out on an over 1,600 road trip home to my mother in Maryland. I wanted better for myself and for our daughter.

Less than a year later he died while taking a shower and had a seizure in the shower, he drowned to death. I had my share of guilt as he was alone at the time. As a society we don’t speak ill of the dead and since our child was so young I put the best spin I could on our marriage and our relationship. Just before her 18th birthday I told her the truth about him and it didn’t sit very well.

Victims live in shame and have all kinds of reasons for denying themselves and others the truth. It doesn’t change though, it is what it is and was what it was, an abusive relationship. Today I know better and am more than blessed. I don’t think he was a bad guy, I believe he was a troubled guy. Troubled from what he experienced in his first family and troubled from 6-years in the Navy during Viet Nam. His service experience left him an alcoholic (by his own admission) and with a seizure disorder.

He was a charming man and good looking too. Both his daughter and his first born grandson look just like him. I still celebrate our union on bended knees at least once a year at his gravesite. I thank God for all that I learned during our marriage and all the many lessons learned from his early death.

Thinking about Texas and that period in my life also reminded me of how important it is to pray and to bow down on bended knees. We don’t have all the answers but prayers and hope and forward marching have always saved me.

During tough times we find out what we are made out of. We can shrivel up and cry or we can turn it around and become stronger. Our hurt our anger and our disappointments can be used as the fuel that helps to propel us forward.

When I came to Maryland I arrived in an old late model Mercury that had a bad engine and probably took as much oil as it did gasoline. I lived with my mother for a few months until I could afford my own place. I was lucky to get a really good waitress job in a high end restaurant. I worked really hard and chuckle at the uniform of high heels, brown skirt and white dress shirts that we wore. I made great money and made wonderful friendships.

I became friends with many young people that were my age and made me feel new and young again. I was making it on hope and a prayer that first year. When my husband died we were still legally married and I was so fortunate to receive help from the Veterans. Things changed for the better. I changed for the better. I was resolved. I made my share of mistakes that’s what young people do but I always ended up back on my feet after so many prayers on bended knees.

Today I can look back with peace and with love and most importantly with gratitude. Every experience, the good and the bad contribute to who and what we are and above all else, I am a survivor.

My husband today keeps talking about our 25 years together and that next summer we will celebrate 20 years of marriage. We already have a trip planned. I am so happy but I never ever forget what my knees are for as I continue in prayer for all that I have and all that I have experienced.

Everything in life is either a blessing or a curse and for me with the power of my prayers and the strength of my knees I’ve known many more blessings!

You never know what will trigger a memory, today it was something as simple as Texas tags that took me back to another time, a time when I grew and matured and learned what it would take to care for both myself and for my child. It wasn’t easy but it was definitely meaningful.

Life is rich … and so much richer when after the struggles we find enlightenment. So many times it literally starts with the power of our prayers. Peace and prayers!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

A Liar, a Manipulator or a True Victim

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A Liar, a Manipulator or a True Victim
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Sometimes it is really hard to tell whether someone is a liar, a manipulator or a true victim. Today the “victim” receives many forms of attention and sometimes even a pass on their bad behaviors. Our society hates to witness any real form of victimization. But what about the liar and the manipulator that has learned to use victimization to their advantage?

A few years ago I interviewed a survivor of sexual abuse. It was her father that abused her and he admitted it was punished and went on with counseling. It cost him his marriage and initially his relationships with his children. Later they did rebuild those parent-adult child relationships.

One of the comments that struck me the most came from the adult survivor, she said, “we are really good liars.” She was referring to abuse victims. I was puzzled until she explained it. She said, “Just going on and about our everyday lives and acting normally is a lie.” She went on to say that until she could own it and do the work she was in cover up mode and living a lie. I was stunned by her honesty and that she has gone on and talked about her story and in doing so has managed to help many other abuse survivors.

For many survivors they can’t deal honestly with all the fallout and trauma associated with sexual abuse. Many cover it up and many lie about it. Some never share their stories and some others learn to use their victimization to manipulate.

What struck me about the woman that I interviewed was the depth of love and support within the family that attributed to her health and wellness. The family not only believed her and supported her but also sought professional help in learning how to appropriately deal with her father, the abuser too.

They say, “You can’t rewrite history” but it seems in some families where sexual abuse has occurred they have tried to do just that. Why lie, manipulate and cover up sexual abuse? Because for many victims it is easier than head on dealing with it, however, sadly this inhibits their growth and their ability to heal and become whole. It doesn’t just go away.

Often a child victim of abuse will receive a big reaction and a tremendous amount of support. Kids are smart and many learn that they can manipulate others as a result of their story. They learn that for them there is value in remaining a victim. Some never move beyond their victimization as a result. Others will self-medicate through drugs and alcohol. Some will use sexual activity as a way of dealing with abuse.

Many prostitutes have been sexually abused and those that sexually abuse were often victims of sexual abuse themselves. These are really good reasons to seek out professional help and they are also so often just why many never own their trauma.

A child who has been victimized by sexual abuse is never at fault, not ever. These kids need to be believed and supported. The support and love that they receive after the victimization can and will make all the difference in their healing, their growth and their development.

Sadly without proper care and treatment many kids grow up and become skilled liars, manipulators and stay stuck in their underdeveloped childlike mindset. We need to support them in their health and wellness and give them an equally big reaction for seeking treatment.

Years ago a dear friend confided in me that she was a rape survivor. Her case went through the court system and the rapist was convicted. What shocked me the most? At the time that she confided in me we were friends for more than 10 years. She never once came across as a victim.

I truly believe that because she dealt with her trauma in an honest and forthright manner, had therapy and much love and support from her husband, her siblings and her adult children that she was able to move past her trauma to wellness.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

When you study victims the one thing that comes across is that the ones that truly were victimized seldom enjoy talking about it unless or until they are on a mission to use their experiences to help others.

Joyce Meyer is a strong survivor of sexual abuse and she has taken her abuse and turned it around for the greater good. She talks about the liar, the manipulator and victim roles played throughout her own recovery.

Don’t wait for “when” –

“The greatest part of our happiness depends on our disposition not our circumstances.” Martha Washington

Bernadette A. Moyer on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another Way by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Abuse Small Word – Big Reaction

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Abuse Small Word – Big Reaction
By Bernadette A Moyer

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What an insult to those that have been abused when false accusations about abuse are made. It is a very small word that carries with it a very big reaction. It seems like every young person that gets into trouble was “abused” or so it is stated by their defense attorneys as a way to defend them.

“The word “abusive” is issued so lightly these days, yet it has the effect of completely tarring and feathering the accused as completely at fault. There’s not much to think about if you are talking about an abuser. All of society will support and encourage you to turn your back.” “J”

For more than a decade I have been involved in several support groups for parents that have become estranged from their adult children. One of the single most declared reasons by the adult child is that they were “abused” by their parents. Yet when you listen to the thousands and thousands of parents who have been accused of “abuse” it just doesn’t seem to ring true. Why? Because these same parents are so grief stricken and are seeking answers and counseling and are so hurt and so humiliated and want nothing more than to make peace with the very same offspring that have used that declaration.

What I’ve learned is that one word; “abuse” will stop a parent in their tracks and send them into a complete tailspin on what to do if anything at all. Some kids have used the courts to issue orders against the parents for their perceived actions of “stalking” when parents try to visit or send gifts and cards. So what do the parents do? Most often they give up as they grieve because that is all that they have left to do. Many more are finding one another and supporting one another through various support groups.

Yes! There are kids that have been abused by their parents, and yes, there are kids that have lied about being abused by their parents. These matters need to be handled very carefully as to support a child who is abused but equally as important not “tar and feather” a parents who has been falsely accused.

There are two stories that were communicated to me by the child who grew up and later regretted their actions of false abuse allegations. One successfully integrated back into the family and the other was not as lucky.

Here there are;
When Jane (not her real name) was visiting with a family member she called “911” to report that her parents were “abusing her” the call was traced and Jane was identified. The parents were investigated and deemed “unfounded” allegations. It turned out that Jane was angry with mom and dad and this was her way of getting back at them. Jane came to her senses and was truly sorry and her parents never held it against her. Jane now in her 30’s has a very happy adult relationship with both parents.

When Sue (not her real name) had the car privileges taken away from her at age 17 because of her poor grades in high school, she retaliated by slamming herself up against the car and then called “911” when the police arrived she showed them her red marks on her body. Sue told the police her father did that to her and dad was immediately arrested. He never had any record or other issues with the law. Sue eventually told the truth and dad was released, however he was unable to forgive Sue and no longer wanted her living in the family home. She came of age living with extended family. Their relationship never fully recovered.

Seldom do victims that have been abused speak out so freely, often because they are shame-filled. The ones who so easily and readily throw the words “abuse” and “abused” around, probably should be looked at more closely as to what truly  is their motivation.

As a young wife and mother myself, I used to subscribe to the theory that “kids never lie” I have since learned that kids, just like adults, can and do lie and most often it is about manipulation. One of my greatest regrets in dealing with children is that when I was confronted with a child who claimed to be “abused” I not only instantly believed them but I also gave them a big reaction and I coveted them. From that day forward I tried to shield them from any other harm in any way that I could. Decades later I can clearly see where my “big reaction” helped to create someone who learned how to achieve “big reactions” all the rest of their life and learned how easily they could manipulate others into doing for them, protecting them and fighting for them. They now have a very long documented history of how they have been “victimized” and “abused.” They also have a documented list of people that have fought for them all of their adult life.

Think about how we treat someone, anyone who declares that they have been “abused” we immediately want to protect them and fight for them. There are many kids and adults who are smart enough to learn how to use this to their advantage.

As a young married woman I sought out counseling just after I was first married. My first husband had epilepsy and I needed help learning how to deal with it. The first group meeting I attended they said “you are only a victim if you choose to be.” This has stuck with me for decades now. The thought was that yes, you could truly be “victimized” but if you decide to stay there in “victimization” it is by your own choice …

People that survive and thrive after hurtful life experiences inspire me. People that dwell on their hurts and losses and choose not to move past it and learn from them, well, over time they become really unattractive. Part of growing up and part of maturing is accepting that life is not perfect, people are not perfect and to learn to take what you get and to make the most of it.

Some people are truly abused and victimized and some people wear “abuse” as a crutch so people will feel sorry for them do for them and so they can go about life with their own self- proclaimed narrative. Whereas there are other victims that are not as easy to identify because they don’t hold themselves out as “victims” but rather as “survivors.”

True story (Donna not her real name) and I were friends for about a decade before I learned that she was a rape survivor. We took trips together and we wrote together and although she was old enough to be my mother, we were friends and colleagues. There was never anything about her attitude or anything about her demeanor that said “abuse” victim. It amazed me that she had such a healthy attitude and no visible signs of being a victim.

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The beauty of life is that even the most challenging, difficult, unattractive and yes “abusive” experiences can be turned around for the greater good, for the lessons to be learned and to cherish the human spirit that says, I am so much better than any one life experience and I have the ability and the capacity to move above it and beyond it.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

All books by Bernadette A. Moyer can be found on Amazon and Barnes and Noble