religion

You Have to Forgive Them

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You Have to Forgive Them
By Bernadette A. Moyer

forgiveness

You have to forgive them; you have to do it for yourself and for them. You have to take the high road. This week alone I have heard from a father who is coming to the end of his life and been estranged from his two daughters for decades. He is looking for help in mediation with his adult girls. He wants to talk to them before he dies.

Another mother wrote to me that this is the week her daughter is getting married and once again she feels the pain, the loss and is at risk of losing her peace over it … all over again. Every other day or week I get letters and messages from parents that are heartbroken over the loss through estrangement of their adult children.

These kids are our kids and its forever, whether they are in our lives or not and no matter what they have said and done to you, you have to forgive them. Pride is foolish. It is not a good enough reason. Even when they are not sorry or don’t show the remorse that you believe that they should, you must forgive them. And if and when they do say they are sorry, you have to accept it, let it go and work towards picking up the pieces and building a new and healthier relationship.

Remember when we thought we knew it all and that we could and would do it better than our parents did, in raising us? We were going to be better parents. We were going to be the best parents ever. Then life happens and you get thrown a curve. You do something, they did something, someone did something and the bond breaks down. Are they better off without you? Are you better off without them? They probably are not and you probably are not either. And what good comes of the anger, the hurt and the outrage? Justified or not, who does it serve?

All three of my now adult children have done things that I would never have done but they didn’t do it to me, they did it to themselves. Sometimes they are influenced by outside sources, people that enable them. You don’t know what they may have said to get support and what the motivation really is but you have to forgive them. Even the so called well intentioned “enablers” that help to break apart a family, you have to let it go, you have to forgive them. They hear one side. And there is always another side, always. Getting angry with the “enablers” is like being angry with the girl that your guy cheated on you with? She doesn’t owe you anything. The relationship you had was with the guy not her. Your relationship is with your child, they made the choice, others may have helped but this was their choice.

Adult children make their own decisions. Our kids do things that we don’t like or that we don’t agree with. They make decisions good ones and bad ones but at the end of it all, they have to live with their decisions as we must live with ours. Even if your estranged child doesn’t allow it or present themselves to you, forgive them. Again do it for you and do it for them. Take the high road.

No one was more shocked and stunned than I was when my first born child left home at age eighteen. But it was her decision to make. It is always their decision. Just like with any other adults we choose who we allow in our lives and we choose who we let go of.

I know the stories, I have heard them all and we lived through many ourselves. Yes the pain is real, the loss is real and the hurt and anger and disappointments are real. But we have to take the high road. We have to take care of ourselves first. We have to get through it. We have to accept that we only control our side of the relationship. They can and they will do what they do. Get on with your life, live. Do new things, make new friends and have new experiences. Allow yourself the process, the process of going through the loss, the voids, the hurts and all of it. Try not to be bitter.

You absolutely have the right to your hurt and anger. It’s real. But in the final analysis hanging on to it serves no one well, it just doesn’t. I am not suggesting that you continue to try, call, or send notes etc. if a wall has been put up accept it and respect it. But also be open. Be open if there is a chance to reconcile, be open to whatever comes next. And no matter what forgive them and forgive yourself too. You did the best you could with what you had and what you knew at that time. We are not perfect people. We are not perfect parents and our kids are not perfect kids.

If they are not in your life, pray for them. Pray for them again and again and pray for your own peace and wellness too. Jesus said, ”Father forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

One of my adult children recently came home. Life has a way of making more sense to us when we grow up from some life experience and gain some wisdom. I know now that she is sorry. I know now that it hasn’t been easy for her. It hasn’t been easy for any of us. But we all survived.

I had to learn to let go of how I thought it should be I had to learn that forgiveness truly is the gift that we give to ourselves. You can stay connected in your heart to people that may have gone away from you. You can wish them well even when you don’t see them.

One of the things that I have learned is that my children didn’t do it to me, they did it to themselves. Don’t take it personally, hard as that is to do, it wasn’t about you, it never is, nothing other people do is because of you. It is always because of themselves. Read more about this philosophy in the book The Four Agreements. It will help, it helped me immensely.

Peace and love and forgiveness …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebbok.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Glory Be To God

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Glory Be To God
By Bernadette A. Moyer

god

God is good! God is great! I am so very thankful for my faith in God, I have lived long enough to know, that for me, without my faith in God, I may not have survived. And not only have I survived, but I thrived and often in the face of much adversity.

If you are not a God person or a faith filled person, this blog may not be for you and so be it. As a writer I have opened myself up to both compliment and criticism, I have been chastised by some who are angered by my faith and I have been blessed by those that concur with me. I hold no harm to non-believers and I fully appreciate that not everyone has faith nor believes in a God. But I do have faith and for me God has always been an integral part of my life.

God was with me when things went my way and when they came easily to me He was also there with me and for me when I struggled. I was lucky that I never felt alone as I had faith and I had God.

I can also see where many people are turned off by faith and religion and yes a God. When people that protest to be faith-filled and yet act in unloving and uncaring ways, I too have struggled with what some religious have done in the name of God, things that no man should do to any others. So I understand when people are hesitant and skeptical. I get it.

All I can do is speak from my heart and from my own experiences. I learned about God as a child but I didn’t fully appreciate His value in my life until I struggled as a fully matured adult. God was there for me! He is with us when we shine on our very best days and also with us when we feel the darkness of defeat and hurts and loses.

As my life matures I am more and more convinced that I am not alone, there is a force that lives deep within me, a higher power, a conscience and a voice that comes from God. For me there is no other way, it works!

When faced with situations and with people that act in ungodly ways, I do my best to try and see the face of God in them. We may never fully appreciate what others are going through and what is happening in their lives but when we have faith and when we have God, we know that everything here on earth is a blessing.

Even the darkest days and the darkest moments can be turned around to find their blessings! We are alive, we are here, we are breathing and until we take our last breath it is not over.

Earlier today I watched two people in public pray together in public before they ate their lunch. A simple act and yet one that we don’t witness often these days, prayers for their meal that they were about to share together, it meant something to them and to me as I passed by their table.

For some people God seems to have lost fashion here in America and yet I personally can’t imagine living my own life without the presence of God. Life is tough enough and having faith and having God just makes it so much less difficult for me.

Glory be to God! It’s Sunday and I am happy and blessed and filled with faith and love for God above. It sounds so simple and for me it truly is … live and let God in … and you just may find if you haven’t already that life is sweeter and lovely and better with faith, hope and yes God.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Books by Bernadette are available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

You Won But Did You Really

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You Won But Did You Really
By Bernadette A. Moyer

if-you-ever-dare-to-fight-hatred

When you have to kill and to destroy to make your point, have you won? Really won? I have been relatively quiet since the recent mass murders in San Bernardino California; however I have read much and processed much about this subject since it happened.

What argument or disagreement or different way of thinking and living merits mass murder? As a woman and as a mother I think the hardest part for me to process is how any young mother could willingly destroy lives and risk their own life and in doing so leave their six-month old baby behind?

Seems so very selfish to have a child and then take actions that will virtually ensure they will have lost their father and their mother due to their choice of terrorism. To kill innocent people just because they don’t think and believe like you do, over an ideology over a belief in a different God?

Then I think about people that don’t take a life but kill other relationships and other people so that they can get their way, selfishly at the expense of other people. People that lie and people that manipulate and people that willingly play the victim because their need to win and to be right is much more important to them than the well-being of others and for peace and love.

When the mission is purely to destroy, there are no winners. Who won in California? The people who killed innocent people are dead and their child is left without parents. That same anger and hatred that this young female terrorist used to destroy lives, that same amount of energy and that same amount of passion could just as easily been used to better her community and her family and her baby’s life.

A choice was made to destroy …

A choice was made to kill innocent people …

People’s lives are destroyed every day by the actions of other people, it happens in families; it happens on the job, it happens in a community. When the individual need to be right, when a group of people believe that their faith and way of thinking is superior to all others, who really is the winner here?

Whatever decisions we face in life, I would be willing to bet if it starts with hatred and with anger and with a willful desire to hurt others, it can’t possibly be good for anyone nor can it render a winner.

“Anger is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves.” Mitch Albom from The Five People You Meet in Heaven

The terrorist actions they don’t make me want to stop going out or to go to public places but it does make me look closely at other people and their behaviors. It makes me less willing to openly embrace people I don’t know and I find myself saying to myself, “there are a lot of crazy, sick and hate-filled people in this world.”

A sad statement I know but then again there were no winners when terrorist attack and it doesn’t matter to me who the terrorist is and where they come from as much as the fact that it comes from another human being, and the harsh reality of how horribly some people, another human being is willing to go to treat other people so hatefully and with such callousness and cruelty …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New Books! Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Fasnacht (doughnut) Day

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Fasnacht (doughnut) Day

By Bernadette A. Moyer

donut-donut

Sometimes it is spelled “faschnacht” it is the English name for a fried donut and observed on Shrove Tuesday, the day before the Lenten season begins. Having grown up in the Northeast of Pennsylvania I was aware of and often celebrated Fasnacht day with a donut. Well, actually, probably, maybe more than just one!

In parts of Maryland the treats are called Kinklings and sold in bakeries on Shrove Tuesday. The word Fasnacht is German meaning Fast (verb to fasten, fast) and Nacht meaning night, eve, and the eve of Lent.

Shrove Tuesday is also known as Fat Tuesday, this is said to have come about in preparation of fasting during Lent and giving up rich and fat foods such as eggs, milk, meat and rich buttery dishes. Families were encouraged to eat up the rich foods in their pantries. In England they call Shrove Tuesday, Pancake Day.

Ash Wednesday is the beginning of the most Holy Christian holidays following Strove Tuesday and a time when many choose fasting and repentance for the 40 days leading up to Easter Sunday.

As a kid, I just knew it to be “donut day” as an adult I love the little bit of history that came about during this period just before Lent and just how it was celebrated. You don’t have to be a Christian to enjoy pancakes or donuts; sometimes it is fun just to say the word “Fasnacht” and to understand what it means.

In case anyone is looking for me, I’ll be picking mine up at Brown’s Market in Loganville, PA, they are the best! This should hold me over and through the Lenten season this year, when I plan to indulge far less. I can already anticipate the experience in getting my bag, they offer plain, glazed and powdered and they are larger than most donuts, they are fried and you can taste it but they aren’t greasy and they are just so soft and fresh.

The smell at Brown’s is intoxicating and that first bit is well worth the trip. There is a separate stand at the market just for donuts on Fasnacht day and many have called ahead with their order. It is just fun to be a part of it and to celebrate Fat Tuesday. Who doesn’t love a really good donut?

So on Tuesday February 28, 2017 support your local bakery and enjoy a fresh donut.

Happy Facnacht Day!

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer