Dear Estranged Adult Sons and Daughters,
This open letter is for you. Every single day I hear from mothers and fathers who are grieving your loss. They can’t imagine how this happened and how the son and/or daughter that they loved and raised could so easily dismiss them from their lives.
For almost 17 years now my child has been estranged from me. She left home as a teenager. At one point she was the absolute love of my life. I would have died for her, period. I wanted more for her than what I ever wanted for myself. When she was growing up many friends shared with me that they wished they had the kind of relationship we shared. I really believed we were close, very close. I never dreamt that one day she would walk away and never turn back. Nor did I ever comprehend her hatred and deep desire to hurt me. More than 15 years into the estrangement and she still tries to hurt me.
When children are little they are easy and often their love for us comes easily. When they grow up they begin to judge us. I can say that I have letters in my child’s own handwriting that told me how much she loved me. I can say that she attended numerous proms and the one time I could not go to the dress shop with her, she shared this dialogue with me; “Mom all my friends were bringing me dresses, lots of dresses and none of them were right for me. Then I asked myself “what would my mom do?” and “I knew that you would look for an ivory colored gown and as soon as I realized that, I immediately found the perfect gown.”
I share this because it was unsolicited when she shared this with me. My sense was that although I had to work and couldn’t make the appointment she had at the dress shop with her girlfriends, I was in essence there with her! Yet not long after this she would estrange.
For more than 23 years I was estranged from my own mother. What did my mother do to me that I felt this was an appropriate thing to do? It was confided in me that my mother’s husband was a sexual abuser. I believed the child that shared this and I never wanted my children around him after this information was made known to me. My mother didn’t want to hear it or to believe it. It was easier for her to make me out to be a bad person rather than face the truth about the man that she married and stayed married to until he died. She loved him above all else. I was eliminated from the family. And I made it easy for her to do this by walking away.
Regardless of how justified I thought I was in removing myself and my children, this was not an ideal situation. I was angry and I was hurt and I was disappointed in my mother. This lasted for many years until I came to peace and acceptance. We never reconciled before she died. My sisters would decide to delete my existence from her obituary. Today I have more peace than ever before, I know that she knows the truth now.
Regardless of the details of my story I am here to tell you that there are no winners in estrangement. As justified as you may believe that you are in estranging from your parents, it is not healthy. It is not normal. It is not an act of love. If anything it is an act of intolerance.
The saddest thing for you is that if you have children, no matter their ages and or how close you may be at this time, by virtue of the fact that you have chosen this, you have now modeled behavior for your own children. They are very likely to dismiss you from their lives the same way they have witnessed you do it to your mother and/or father. Believe it. Case studies support this.
What you are in essence modeling for your own children is that 1) parents aren’t important and can be easily erased from your life 2) disrespect 3) silent treatment 4) judgment 5) lack of tolerance and lack of forgiveness. What you are losing is your roots, your family history and heritage. If you are a biological child you miss out on your family health history. Your children are missing out on knowing their family and their grandparents. Lost years can never be made up.
I believe that most all parents love their children. Maybe it isn’t perfect but they aren’t perfect and neither are you. No one is perfect.
If you are estranged because of what you have done you should try and make amends before they die. As bad as it may be, most mothers and fathers are loving toward their children. If you do the work and fix what you broke they will probably at least try and forgive you. And if for some reason they can’t at least you will know that you tried.
Like many of you I have other relationships that I created through the years, I have “other mothers” and “other children” that I have loved and have loved me too. They have helped me to heal and to fill many of the voids. But the reality is that no one can take the place of our birth parents. That history cannot be re-written. And our children come from us. They are a part of our being and our souls and our hearts are forever connected.
Do you need to be “right?” or do you need “peace?” Loving ourselves allows us to love others, loving our parents is an extension of self-love because whether you like it or not, that is where you come from.
No one said that you have to see them every day, no one said you have to speak with them every day but having peace with your parents is what you do for yourself. Remember one day your child will grow up and they too will judge you. Could you measure up to the same yardstick you have chosen to use to measure mom and dad? Would you want your grown adult child treating you the same way that you have chosen to treat your parents?
It’s not over until we take our last breathe. Making peace with your parents is making peace with yourself. Forgiveness is the gift that you give to yourself!
Make 2015 the year of love and of forgiveness and watch how much better your life becomes when you aren’t holding onto anger or ill will toward others.
Peace and love,
Bernadette A. Moyer
Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
Or e-mail and connect at bmoyer37@aol.com
New book ALONG THE WAY includes this article at http://www.createspace.com/5705583?ref
Bernadette A. Sahm 
I had read this article a number of months ago and about 30 minutes ago, I was just thinking about the estrangement from my parents as well as I was thinking about this article, when a link to the article popped up in my Pinterest feed again…so, I thought I would leave a comment. I believe there are certainly reasons that estrangement is the healthier choice to make rather than staying with a family relationship that is not good for a person. My parents took care of me, were never abusive, and at times, I know they cared for me, but once I chose to marry the man I loved our relationship was never the same because I defied them. The final straw was how they were treating my daughter so obviously different then her cousins. When my husband was out of the military, we uplifted our lives to move to the state they were living in; I thought it would be nice to have family around, but I was wrong. My daughter was a sweet, kind and loving little girl and she loved her grandparents (my parents) even though they clearly preferred her cousins. She wanted love from them because she was a loving girl, but they certainly didn’t give her true love. She was a clever enough child that she figured out their feelings and she could tell she wasn’t loved (it was obvious even to a young kid). I wish to hell I had stated the estrangement much earlier because asking my daughter to be around the family and have to put up with being treated as “less than” by my parents for a number of years was not a healthy situation. It took us about 15 years, but we eventually brought up our concerns in a healthy way by trying to talk things through, but my parents were not mature enough to have a back and forth, healthy type of conversation so the estrangement began. My life, my daughter’s life and even my husband’s life were greatly improved by not having to put up with what I would call a toxic environment (where we had to play nice during each gathering while enduring poor treatment). Once we were estranged, holidays were a joy again without my parents and without my sister’s family. I’m not a quitter, nor is my daughter or husband, but estranging ourselves from my family was taking charge of our own happiness. Not all people — even the ones that seem sweet, nice and normal — make for good family.
Kudos! Good for you doing the right thing for your family. I did just the opposite, the more my parents treated me ‘less than’ the more I did to try and make them proud. Needless to say, it didn’t work. My brother was allowed to molest and beat me. He was arrested for it once, but my parents just bailed him out and paid his fine. I was supposed to “Get over it”. I gave up a huge amount of my life trying to make them happy and only making myself miserable. I wish the hell I had recognized this decades ago, my life would have been so much better.
Don’t be so hard on yourself! It’s all a process. You did what you thought was right and what you needed to do to survive. We all live and we learn. I’m truly sorry you had to experience abuse by a trusted family member . In a way your parents were victims of your brothers abuse too. I hope you know that you deserve peace and happiness. Blessings to you 💕🙏❤️
I know the pain of a child choosing to walk away from me. She is married and has a boyfriend on the side, her husband allows this and it takes place around my grandchildren. My daughter disowned me and for the last 5 yrs won’t speak to me or allow my grandchildren to see me or speak to me all because I disagree with her life. I love and miss her every day and I see her at the store and she pretends like she doesn’t even know her own Mother. It hurts a lot from her treating me this way and not allowing me to see my grandchildren who I adore.
I’m so sorry you are going through this … there are no winners in estrangement. Peace and prayers as you navigate toward your own healing. You are not alone!
My daughter turned 50 last week & I couldn’t share this milestone with her as it’s now 9 years since she spoke to me.
I have no idea why, which makes it harder. Her younger sister keeps in good contact with me but it’s not the same. My estranged daughter & I were like 2peas in a pod while my younger daughter & I are so very different. We interact because she has 2 children whom I love very very much & vice versa. I sometimes feel I live in an alternative universe to my younger daughter & she feels the same.
I miss my estranged daughter so very much it hurts. But I put a smile on my face & “get on with it”. Only in the privacy of my room do I show my true feelings & the tears flow like buckets.
I’ve read your books & thank you for your insightful writings. May God bless you.
Dear Mary, I am truly sorry you are going through this, from your writing I can feel your pain. Please know that you are not alone. I hope that you find peace. I grieved for so long and then one day I had no more tears to shed. It took me well over 10 years to come to peace and acceptance. I remember a lovely little girl that I had. Today she is a total stranger by her own choosing. Hard as it was I finally accepted this is what she wanted. I pray for you and all the mothers and fathers who know this void and pain. May God Bless You! Thanks for connecting and sharing your story. Blessings, Bernadette
Oh I know how the Alienation happened. My ex is a narcissist. His hobby is running…he would take out son with him to 5ks etc where ex is was hooking up with women in front of our son. Ex was indoctrinating our son and tell him what a horrible person I am. I know this because when I tried to talk to son about why the marriage fell apart he said” I know mom”. He saw his dad schmoozing with women @ those sports events.😠My son lives with his dad. His communication with me has dwindled to almost nothing over the past couple years after our divorce. I know he will see the light eventually.. meanwhile I text him and try to communicate 😭
Kim Jackson
So sorry you are going through this … sadly you are not alone. Thanks for sharing! What I have learned is that our grief happens because it has no where to go, until we learn to love many more things in our life. I am happier now than I have ever been. I am surrounded by love and by all the things and people I love. The ones who are gone are gone for good and after decades of grief and finally accepting it all I am happy again. The time I did have was filled with good memories for me. Memories that I cherish. Peace love and prayers Kim! Bernadette