I Named Her
By Bernadette A. Moyer
I named her, I choose her first name and her middle name, and her name came from an old Johnny Mathis song and also from a little girl that I babysat when I was just a teen. My second choice was Caitlyn Marie and Christopher Michael if we had a boy. It was my choice at just three weeks of age that she would be christened in the Catholic Church. I was there and she was there too.
After taking La Leche league classes I chose to breast feed for the first year of her life. I was there for every single doctor’s visit and every single first day of school and every last day too. It was me who taught her to ride a bicycle and I was there when she passed her driver’s license exam. As an infant I changed diapers and as a young woman I helped support her style. I was there and she was there too.
As a toddler our outings often included the public library and she was enrolled in every single summer reading program. She loved books and was a wiz with her ability to communicate. She was an avid reader. We read together and she always seemed to have her face in a book. I was there and she was there too.
It was me who would decide she should attend Catholic schools and it was me who decided she should be Confirmed. I was there for love and I was there for support. She achieved much as an academic, she was smart, social and attractive. I was there and she was there too.
I was there for all the Christmas programs, for piano lessons and recitals; I was there for carpool every single school day. I was there and she was there too.
I was there when she fell and when she failed, I was there to cheer her on and her biggest fan when she accomplished her goals. I was there and she was there. When her father died and she was just two years old, my love and my desire to protect her from any other harm was heightened. I was there for first dates and for proms I was there for first jobs. I was there and she was there.
I was there for birthday parties and for “sweet 16” I was there for summer pool parties with her classmates. I was there and she was there too. She always smiled when she saw me and her voice always heightened when I called her. I was there and she was there.
Summer vacations always included the beach, we both loved the water. I was there and she was there too. When she graduated with honors, I was there. When we purchased her first car I was there. I was there and she was there too.
I named her. I choose her first name and her middle name. I carried her into this world and I gave her life. I was there and she was there too. She called me “mom” for the longest time, she was the only one. Then one day it was “Bernadette” and we were done. I was there and she was there and that was all …
Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
Bernadette A. Sahm 
Hi Bernadette, I have been following your posts for some time now, over a year probably. I could have written this post except that it would say “I was there and he was there”. Where did they go? I enjoy your blog, keep up the good work!
Thanks for reading me Rachelle! I appreciate the support and your kind comments! Hugs, Bernadette
I was there for my daughter and she was there and she knows I was there for her with true, unconditional love. She knows how I adored her and she once adored me. I’ve begged her for years to have a relationship with me and she turns it around and calls me abusive. I’ve decided to leave her alone, haven’t tried contacting her in over 6 months via email. She probably has me blocked anyway. Don’t know her address or telephone number.
She has a twisted version of the truth. I don’t know how she can live with her decision to toss me and her dad (we are divorced but friends) out like garbage. She’s been told by her parents (not by blood but she calls them her parents) that her mom and dad are toxic and will only make her life worse and to stay away from two people who adore her, or at least we use to. These are evil people that would take a child away from 2 entire families (her blood moms & dads), but she’s 34 years of age and I taught her to think for herself. She chose the family with the money and prestiege. In the end, she’ll figure it out but it will probably be to late. Some days I feel like I could die from a broken heart.
Wow Pam I could have written your post! The only difference, I think, is that I am coming up on the 17th anniversary of our estrangement and after years and years of tears I am truly happy again. I reflect on the past with love and I wish my child nothing but the best I hope that she is happy and successful. I am at a place of peace. I honestly have decided to hang on to the good and let go of the rest … she is God’s child now. Peace and love to you! Thanks so much for sharing and for connecting! Big hugs, Bernadette
The last time I saw Ashley was in 2008. I remember the disgusted look on her face after informing her I was going to buy pepper spray after being approached by 2 big guys on Sunset Blvd while walking to the farmers market alone early one Saturday morning. I kept with her photos on the homepage of her facebook over the years. She didn’t allow me as a friend on FB, but the people she calls her parents were her friends. When I went to her FB page on Christmas of 2014, Ashley and her family were posing on a balcony as if they were the royal family. This was Ashley’s message to me that this is her family and I got it loud and clear. That’s when I decided to just leave her alone as best I can for good. Why beg for someone who clearly doesn’t want me in her life. She’s missing out on a mother who only has love, comfort, inspiration and support to offer her. It’s her loss as well, and I feel sorry for her. I pray for her to be safe, happy, loved and all the things she desires in life.
My daughter chose money and prestige…marrying someone who came from money and power. Before her marriage I too was there for her first…of everything. She reframed incidences that were normal and turned them into twisted incidences. Her brother would tell her he didnt remember things that way at all. Then to cover that base she would accuse me of loving him more. She abandoned him too. I still hold her responsible for her choices but the behavior started when she began dating her husband. It happened so slowly we did not see what was coming. It was a calculated move and brainwashing on her husband’s part. Again…..a third party. He will answer to God. I’m afraid she will too if she doesn’t change her course. I believe that will not happen while I’m alive..and I grieve for that. I raised my kids to do the right thing. I questioned my own sanity. I asked my husband if I was imagining all this…..he said quote “….I’m sorry to say this…..but I’ve never met anyone treated so badly by their own child.” One night 9 years ago she called me up and said…..” mom…just remember..I love you.” That was out of character….before I could say anything she hung up. I immediately called back and she wouldnt answer. Repeated calls that night…..her husband finally answered and said she was too busy. That she would call. I’ve not heard her voice since. She may be using a false identity……so I cannot find her. Her address is not published and not one person in her husband’s family is on Facebook or in a phonebook. I know she is still married to him and they still live in the same area because he is on the police force and sometimes a google search will find a police article with his name. Other family members have seen her so i dont believe there is foul play. My daughter has lost the most. Whether she realizes it or not. She has orphaned herself to a new family for a higher financial and social status. She suffers with guilt…I am sure of it…….but not enough to cause any action. I stopped sending birthday and Christmas gifts 7 years ago. It’s as if we are all dead. When my husband was dying of cancer i would call her number and talk to the answering machine….knowing she was listening. I would beg her to pick up. I would redial and leave another message about her stepfather and his fight with cancer. I would beg for her to pick up the phone. Nothing….I dont believe there was foul play…. i would see it on the news. Sheriff Deputies wives dont go missing without news reporting. Research and forums and blogs have convinced me after this long…..she will not return. My son is married with children and he still suffers night mares that his sister comes home like the prodical child…..is welcomed back and then she destroys us again. Maybe those nigjtmares are warnings….just accept what has happened….and be careful what you ask for. The choice has been made. Even if she did….I could never trust her again….never totally feel that connection a mother and child should feel. …….I have put away her photos. In the last year or so when I am asked how many children I have….I say ” just one…a son.”. When my son is asked if he has siblings he answers…no. we have heard through the grapevine that they have foster children……what pillars of the community they are. And that she states her family members are mentally ill and drug abusers. I beg for a psychological evaluation and a drug test. I used to hide the story in shame and refuse to talk about it. Now I have decided to tell everyone if asked. I will not protect them anymore. Their behavior is nothing short of criminal. I was 1 year away from getting my degree in health care administration but now have added another major to get a dual degree…adding on Human & Social services. This has become epidemic. The baby boomers are going to need a lot of geriatric social workers to guide them through this and take a stand for them. Who better to serve in those positions than someone who has experienced the neglect and abuse. We need to start a coalition for abandoned parents providing support and guidance. Only then would our little darlings stop and see a reflection in the mirror they were not proud of. They are the ones that should carry shame for their behavior. There comes a time when we must stop sitting in the corner licking our wounds. We need to stand up and defend ourselves and the lives we spent dedicated to raising our children only to be dumped and buried before we are dead. My new mission in life is to bring this out in the open and serve in whatever way possible to help bring recognition and support in whatever way possible. Everywhere i turn i hear similar stories now and stories of the financial abuse and theft of our seniors by their own children. I will not be intimidated anymore by ungrateful bad behavior toward the parents who served that child day and night into adulthood……only to be abandoned. All we ever wanted was to grow old….with our kids and grandkids at our side. All we asked was to see the circle of life continue and know our name is on a family tree…….and to know the words “In Loving Memory” will be carved on our headstones. Thanks for listening.
It’s just so sad! Unfortunately there is a common theme that runs through your story like so many other parents. I don’t believe they will fully understand until they have children and do the work and their kids are grown adults. I think being the parent of these kinds of adult children is a living hell. I have to believe that we are reunited with God who has the answers that’s how I imagine it ending. After years and years I finally achieved peace but it wasn’t until I could let go. I hope you find peace too!
I got to this site by accident, but it was a good accident. My daughter threw us out of her house 3 years ago because her dad didn’t jump when she yelled. It has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever endured. She has 2 beautiful little girls that we love so much & we cannot see them. She started changing when she started dating her husband. He & his family are arrogant & condescending, & we were always willing to do what they wanted us to do. A little over a year ago,after 2 years of being given tiny bits of time with our granddaughters, I told her that if she couldn’t treat us with respect & a little consideration we were finished. I left the door open if she ever wanted to contact us, but don’t expect to hear from her ever again. She has caused so much pain to every member of my family & my husbands family. My husband adopted her when she was a child & she has been horrid to him & speaks badly & untruthfully about him.
I am finally in a better place. I have worked hard to control my thoughts & do everything I can to not dwell on this. I will always love my daughter, but I hate what she has done. I don’t think she feels guilt & I’m okay with that. I’ve forgiven everything, but I don’t know that I could ever trust her again. I guess we all grieve over this kind of loss for the rest of our lives, but I won’t let her behavior define me or control how I will live the rest of my life.
Dear Carol,
Part of your story is my story! Many others have adult children who have done the same things, sad as it is it is happening more and more. Together we are stronger! Thanks or reading me and for connecting. Angel hugs, Bernadette
So sorry Pam! I really get it. I don’t look and I don’t ask about her I have learned that ignorance is bliss. She too went off with another family, one that really supported her. A few years ago they shared their heartaches with me. Sad. One thing I have learned is it isn’t about you! They do what they wish and in the end they must live with their choices. My child is a stranger to me, she is not the daughter that I knew. All the best! Bernadette
Bernadette and Pam,
As a fellow traveler down this dark road of estrangement, your words had me in tears. Bernadette, you express perfectly the love and devotion we give to our children. It is beyond mystifying how it has ended in this way. While I can see the trail of destruction with logic, my heart cannot understand because we loved them so much! I was married to a sociopath and he practiced parental alienation for all the years we were married. In the end, I lost five of my six children and all of my grandchildren. One son remains because his father confessed his ‘sins’ to him and my son never spoke to him again. You give all of us estranged parents such hope for a semblance of peace someday.
Hugs,
Teresa
Thank you Teresa for your reply. I’m beginning to see my daughter may very well be a narcissistic sociopath trained by the lady she calls her mom. My daughter and I were like two peas in a pod while I raised her. She was loving, sweet, sensitive, kind, etc. She’s thrown away 2 entire families that love her since being in contact with this evil woman and her now husband. This woman didn’t want children because of her career and vanity… but when her child bearing days were about over she decided to take my daughter and convince her I’m toxic.
How could my daughter just abandon me like this? She knows I’m all alone with hardly any family. I do have a doggie daughter, so I’m not totally alone.
I’m glad to have found a place to express myself because no one that knows me ever asks about Ashley anymore. They know I will break down and cry. I need to vent somewhere. I’m looking forward to the day when I can feel a sense of peace and just let her totally go.
Smiles to everyone!
P.S. My daughter always knew she was the center of my universe. The moment she was born, I felt a sense of purpose on this planet for the first time at 28 years of age. I’m sure this plays a huge role in the abandonment issue, so I have to take on some of the responsibility of her not wanting me in her life. All I knew how to do was just love this girl to pieces. Now she won’t let me.
Thanks Teresa! I know that you get it! Thanks for reading me and for sharing, we are on this path together. We are not alone. I find comfort as well from readers like you!
Hugs, Bernadette
Pam and Bernadette, I am about 8 years into this estrangement and I know the rest of my life will be difficult. But Pam, it does ease up. In addition to reading all the Bernadette had penned on this topic, there are many online support groups over at Welcome to Oz on Yahoo. You need to surround yourself with those who understand as you attempt to live after this dreadful loss. Again, thank you Bernadette. Your words are very inspiring and consoling.
Teresa
Hi Teresa. Thanks for your advice. Looking forward to some ease in pain.
Reblogged this on Bernadette A. Moyer and commented:
Thanks for all the support!
Good advice Teresa! Pam just know that you are not alone! Others survived and so will you. I call them the throw away kids, they were raised on disposable bottles and diapers and they think nothing of throwing their parents away. They are entitled and most claim abuse. So sad. It does ease up! XOXO
ThiS too could be me, but I was there and HE was there, it was “us” against the world, until the day our world ended and he told me what he really thought and he told the social worker, when asked “Are you sorry?” He said “Only sorry I didnt kill her” then it was me.
Asking the world how can someone Ive given birth to, and nurtured and loved with my every being, who I’d fought for and believed in turn on me like that? Then came the hardest two years of my life. Now its just me.
I am sad for you other Mamas, but I am also a little bit relieved that I am not alone, it’s not “just me” other Mothers have had the same. Thank you so much Bernadette for writing and publishing this and I am following and going to reblog this.
Thank you xo
Reblogged this on Kim L Hine and commented:
This is sad and reminded me of a sad time, and while I am sorry for this Mama and the other Mama’s that commented I am also a little but relieved to know, I am not the only one.
This was so beautiful and validating. I have been estranged from my three children two girls one boy for going on three years.
I finally reached the point when I could no longer allow them to use and abuse me and try to hold me accountable for what they perceived as me not being good enough or doing enough for them. Even though I did so much more than any of them deserved.
The saddest part of all is that I have two grandbabies’ that I am not allowed to see. My oldest grandson lived in my home for first year and a half of his life and I then raised him until he was 3 and a half and he was taken from me because I would no longer give her money and pay her way in life. I have been utterly devastated by this. I haven’t seen my other granddaughter since she was 3 months old. I didn’t get as attached to her….on purpose….I don’t think I could have taken that separation and pain twice. My oldest called me one day after I refused to sign for her and her drug dealing boyfriend to get an apartment and proceeded to call me all kinds of horrible names and told me to kill myself. That I had never done anything for her and I was no kind of mother.
I could no longer allow myself to be used and abused. I could go on and on with a list of things that were done for each of them but the reality of my situation is only sadness that I have been dis guarded by my own children that came from my body and it will never be okay. But I do find comfort that I am not alone and that I am finding myself and taking back my life to do what I want to with it. Thank you for your blog. Bless you for your strength!
I hear you Marjorie! I was “wonderful” and “amazing” right up until I said “no” I am sorry you are going through this, you are not alone! Take your life back and do things to make yourself happy! God Bless and thanks for sharing! Hugs!