I Had This Idea

By Bernadette A. Moyer

I had this idea that if I did the right things, the right thing would happen for me.

• What I learned is that doing the right thing was what I do for myself and it doesn’t guarantee that things will turn out like I thought.

I had this idea that living by the golden rule would guarantee that if I treated others like I want to be treated they would do the same.

• What I learned is that many people want and expect to be treated better than what they treat others, I learned many do things they would never want done to themselves.

I had this idea that I could trust all my “friends” because that was the understood definition of friendship.

• What I learned is that isn’t necessarily true and that trusting myself was what was lasting and most important.

I had this idea that if my husband and I worked really hard and gave our children a stable home they would become stable.

• What I learned is their stability would have to come from within themselves.

I had this idea that if I was open and generous others in my life would also be open and generous.

• What I learned is that being open and generous is what I do for myself, others may choose to be closed off.

I had this idea that most things fall into a black or white, right or wrong kind of area.

• What I learned is that many things fall in that gray area.

I had this idea that some events in my life were good and others bad.

• What I learned was that if I turned it around even the things that appeared “bad” could become good and meaningful.

I had this idea that I had to wait for this or that to happen first before going on to the next thing.

• What I learned is that the here and the now are the best times.

I had this idea that my sense of wellness and peace was connected to something or someone else.

• What I learned was that my wellness and peace were always within me, I just needed to tap into it and be open to it.

I had this idea that if I was loveable everyone would just love me.

• What I learned is that I am loveable whether others choose to love me or not is about them.

I had this idea that my happiness was connected to someone or something else.

• What I learned is that my happiness lives inside of me and is not dependent on anyone or anything else.

I had this idea if I pushed harder, tried harder did everything right that I would always end up in a good place.

• What I learned is that I don’t have to try so hard, sitting back and trusting in the universe brings about all the good naturally.

I had this idea how things should be at 20 and at 30 and at 40 and at 50.

• What I learned is that each decade defines itself in its own way and in its own time.

I had this idea that life is a beautiful thing!

• What I learned is that life truly is a beautiful thing and even the ugly and the sad and the pain of loss and of love add a beautiful dimension. They offer their own beautiful gifts as long as we are open and willing to receive them.

On Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Death in the Family

By Bernadette A. Moyer

It seems like a death in the family is when the family nuts become even nuttier. Its official my husband and I are without parents as they are all deceased now.  His father John was the last to go. His mother died first and then my father and my mother before his dad recently passed too.

My first experience with death was at 23 years of age when my first husband died. I was so humbled and my heart was huge, I included everyone. In my vulnerability my heart grew. I have come to believe that I am either really naive or just big hearted, perhaps a bit of both.  I had this idea that death should make you find your heart and that there is no greater time to be in sync with our hearts than when we have lost someone to death.

For a fleeting moment I thought that when my mother passed it would be a time for all her children to come together.  She had five daughters and I had been estranged for more than two decades.

When she died I thought maybe the sisters would come together but that was really short lived when her obituary was published naming her four daughters and I was excluded. That doesn’t happen by accident. And not so long after her passing they would come together and write nasty letters to my employer(s) and others. They weren’t involved with me for several decades, but they felt they had a right to try and hurt me. What they did was affirm for me as to why they weren’t in my life.

When my dad died he made sure he had peace and called all his children together. My husband was holding his mother’s hand when she departed this life.  It was during this time that his father asked him to handle his affairs when his time came. Unfortunately he didn’t have a will since he never owned a car or a home or other property. One of his sisters would decide that she should handle their father’s affairs and so rather than fight her; he reluctantly agreed and handed over all important papers including the life insurance. What his father wanted handled peacefully his sister made a court case over, and my husband let go of her fight.  Now that his father has passed all other family members are fighting within themselves and trying to bring my husband along with them.

The truly sad part is that this is not what his father wanted, he wanted his affairs handled. He had already secured a plot and had paid for the opening and the closing so that he could be put to rest with his beloved wife of over 55 years. He had insurance and it should have been a smooth and easy transition.

When people die, we should find our hearts but so often family members will lead with their egos and use the death for their final act of hate, anger and jealousy over their other siblings and their family members.

I have witnessed aggressive hate filled responses within families when a parent dies. I have witnessed it in my family and in other families. It seems like death in the family can bring out the best in people or the absolute worst in them.

I have also witnessed families that respected their parent’s wishes, allowed the adult child they named to handle their affairs and their departure from this life with dignity and with unity so that all the family could grieve and grieve in peace.

How we welcome life and how we say good-bye to those that mattered to us, says much about us but it also says a lot about how we loved. Did we show them that we respected or disrespected their final wishes? Did we come together in love and show respect?

The good news for my husband is that he is a man of faith and a God believing man, he knows that John is reunited with Marie in heaven and knowing this affords him all the peace he will ever need. He was a great son to his father and his father was always so proud of him and his many accomplishments.  His father would also be pleased that rather than fight with his family he chose to walk away, take the high road and be better than all that.

Death in the family stirs up much in the family, sadly not all of it is good, but in the final analysis we have to live with our actions and our own decisions and make our own peace …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Shame

By Bernadette A. Moyer

Shame can be a powerful motivator; it can push us to get ahead and to move beyond our current situation. Shame can also cause us to continue to live in shame all the while hurting ourselves. I began this blog just before I received yet another e-mail from a mother who is estranged from both her daughter and her mother. The devastation left her suicidal and losing her job too. She like many in her situation is ashamed by it.

My husband Brian grew up in the projects of Baltimore City where his family was the only white family and where his father was the only parent there with a full-time job. He couldn’t understand it and was ashamed of his humble beginnings. He was ashamed of their ways and their behaviors. His shame pushed him out of the city and toward a better life. He wanted better for himself and for his family.

Some people never climb out of it, and they create generation after generation that is born into poverty and often a shame-filled existence. Education and a work ethic often are the vehicles that help drive us toward success and out of poverty and shame.

“How do you do it?” My recent writer asks me, how do you go on after the shame of losing your precious child to estrangement? My quick response is “You put one foot in front of the other and you walk away. You leave it all behind you.”

Yesterday I experienced more hatred and family drama after my husband’s father died the night before. Family members that broke into our home after driving out from the city to our suburban home, they were not invited nor did we know they were coming. When they were uncovered inside of our home, I was verbally assaulted. Called all kinds of curse words and names. I may have seen these people three times in my entire life. My son said, “Now I know why my dad wants nothing to do with them.”  My husband said, “This is why I never took you around them, they have embarrassed me my entire life.”

For years I grieved lost relationships. Most women who are mothers want their families intact but sometimes it becomes very clear that like both my husband and my son state, “we are better off without them.” There is nothing there that is healthy and whole, it took my husband incredible strength and fortitude to get out and to move behind his family of origin. They are an angry people.

After the verbal assaults that took place in our home his family proceeded to scream and yell and curse loudly on our property and in our neighborhood. My husband once again experienced shame because of his family.  The difference is that today they are all grown adults, they aren’t kids anymore. He has changed and grown up and they are still set in their “hood” mentality.

We are better off without them! Women typically don’t want to hear that or believe that and men seem to have an easier time accepting it. Today after many years of grief I am 100% with them. Our lives are happy and they are peace-filled and the self-inflicted family drama is of no interest to us. Simply put, we don’t live like they do. We have respect for people and for their privacy. We would never enter someone else’s home, family or not without being invited.

On the day after my husband lost his father, he found himself sitting in the police station making a report regarding the family members that broke into our home. Even the policemen stated, “people in your neighborhood, don’t do that.” More shame for a man that has moved past it.

I’ve begun to believe that the people; the family members departure from our lives is truly a gift from God.  When their time is over, it is over. Shame can be used as a powerful motivator; it can help us to push onward and upward.  My husband never felt good enough, until he was grown up enough to understand that their stuff was about them and he could decide what was right for himself.

“Shame is the most powerful, master emotion. It’s the fear that we’re not good enough.” Brene Brown

Shame can destroy your life if you allow it. It can make you believe that you aren’t good enough; truth is that we are all children of God, we are good and we are all good enough. We must push past our shame and we must believe it to make it so …

Miss Frushon

By Bernadette A. Moyer

Every once in a while a really great young person comes along. It might not be that they are doing one thing great, but rather on how they approach life and all the great little things that they do that add to a better life. A better life for all those around them including themselves.

We give so much credit and attention to all the negative news stories, the story about Michael Brown, the stories about Ray Rice amongst others. We hear about young people that are doing drugs, having run-ins with the law and even suing their parents over entitlement issues. Yet there are numerous young people that are making positive contributions to society and so often we fail to give them their proper recognition.

I met Miss Frushon in January of this year when she responded to a social media job post I had created looking for interns. At that time I was working as the Executive Director for a nonprofit community theater and they never had an intern program before my arrival. We would be setting out on unchartered territory.

Her e–mail response was very well written and she had a past positive experience with the community theater so it was natural that I would bring her in to interview with me. When she arrived she was wearing an infinity scarf and was professionally dressed. She was just so cute! But what really impressed me was her communication skills and the way that she carried herself.  Nothing about her said, “I am only 20 years old” I immediately liked her and as we reviewed the job description she seemed both qualified and eager to get involved.

I set out a schedule for her, gave her projects with deadlines and even added her to the committee efforts for both a brand new fundraising event and also to an existing gala fundraiser. I sent her on her way with work. She was in school full-time, working a part-time retail job and still willing to work 15-20 hours a week with me as an unpaid intern. She worked with me for FREE!

Much of the work I assigned her would fall into graphic design work and helping to create print ready marketing materials with a “wow” factor. I wanted collaterals that would set us apart from the ordinary. Not only did she deliver but she also brought with her two of her close girlfriends and they too made great additions to our team.

Watching her interact with her closest friend Courtney and with her peers was a wonderful and welcome sight. They are supportive of one another in really healthy ways. I’ve known women that are two and three times their age that still don’t understand the concept of “friendship” and how important women lifting up other women really is and how women often tear at one another in competition rather than in loving and supportive ways. To her mother and her family and to her teachers I say, “Great job! This is one great kid!”

In my position as the Executive Director, it could have been intimidating but Miss Frushon was always confident. There were days we communicated by e-mail and text messages, she was busy and so was I. She also had a family that she loved and a long term relationship with her boyfriend. I can’t say that she is an “old soul” I never had that sense because she really has a young spirit but she is a very responsible and mature soul.

Some days as it was getting into the early evening hours and I was still working in my office since most days I put in were 10 and 12 hours and she would just show up. Just hearing her come in off the elevator and seeing her smiling face turn the corner to my office often made my day. She just showed up to engage, to review projects to keep me updated on her progress. I never had to go searching for her. We clicked and we clicked well.

One day on the job there was tension with another co-worker a seasoned one and I couldn’t understand the conflict since their work on that particular project had no overlap. When I contacted Miss Frushon to inquire she couldn’t understand it either. Without my requesting it, she just showed up to share and as it turned out the other co-worker was already in my office. It was face-to-face when it would become crystal clear that the person created the drama for her own gain, tried to diminish Miss Frushon and her work and was completely uncovered for the deceptive actions that she had been getting away with for a really long time. What struck me was how well Miss Frushon handled it when she could have chosen to be angered by basically being lied about and deceptive actions to make her look bad in the workplace.

When I decided to move on to other opportunities, not only did Miss Frushon stay at the theater but was immediately promoted to become a Director of Programming. Again she is a full-time college student, paying her own University priced tuition, working a demanding job as a Director and has healthy relationships with her family, friends and a stable relationship with her boyfriend! She is really hard-working knows how to get things done and consistently exceeds expectations.

Recently we shared “Thanksgiving Saturday” together with her boyfriend and her best friend, (who I am proud to say is my friend too) and fiancé and we remain good friends. If I could have handpicked my own daughter she would be it, she is a beautiful person both inside and out. When the Director of Programs position was about to be laid off she didn’t act the victim nor was she sour grapes over it or did she blame or bad mouth anyone. I was stunned that within days of her being told of her impending “lay off” and just days before the Thanksgiving holiday too she not only interviewed for an equally impressive position at a newspaper but secured that new position.

What stands out for me is her grace, her class and her poise and her ability to take what life hands her and come back even better and stronger for the experience. And she is humble and kind and comes from truly humble beginnings, she has a hunger for success and a drive and determination. She never lost her little girl attitude, the one we all had and the one that says, “I can do that!”

Miss Frushon, I will be watching you and applauding your successes all along the way and I am so proud to know you and to call you my friend! You go girl!

(Above picture Amber Frushon and Courtney Lane, Smyrna Opera House)

Like Bernadette A. Moyer on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

By Bernadette A. Moyer

When I was just a teenager in 1977 at just 17 years old my father used to tell me “don’t sweat the small stuff.” Often I found refuge at his house after my parent’s second divorce. Yep! In their craziness they married twice and divorced each other twice. My mother and I were like oil and water, we just didn’t mix.  I couldn’t or wouldn’t play the game that she had with all my sisters the one that would have required me to have an “adjusted” reality to view things their way.

We were told “not to air our dirty laundry in public” and living with my father who was a raging alcoholic required us to live in shame. We never brought friends home because we never knew what personality of his was likely to show itself. Would it be Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde?

I was sensitive probably considered “overly sensitive” I saw it all and took it in. My parents fought like cats and dogs, dad turned to alcohol and other women, my mother sharpened her tongue and her professional skills at being a nurse in the critical units of a well-respected hospital. What skills she lacked in her personal life, she surely made up for in her professional one.

With all the family craziness and by today’s standards it would have been viewed as an “abusive” environment for raising children, no doubt. We were raised on fear and loads of Catholic and Italian guilt. We knew not to get into trouble and did our best to make our parents proud. Looking back I don’t think it even ever occurred to them, to make us proud that they were our parents. It was a different time.

My parents both claimed to have grown up in “poverty” yet their parents stayed married their whole lives until “death do us part.” My mother was afforded many opportunities growing up as she was in the marching band, played the clarinet and the piano. Her parents owned a hotel and bar business and they never knew hungry.

The biggest void in my father’s life was when he was growing up his baby brother died at age 7; this caused his mother to grieve him for her entire life. I suspect dad learned to get attention by being the “bad boy” with a young history of drinking and womanizing. He was always popular with the ladies.

We grew up in a time when “children were seen and not heard” and a common response to childhood tears was; “You want something to cry about? I’ll give you something to cry about!” And yet we never ever felt abused by our parents. We respected them just because they were our parents.

I wasn’t the daughter that painted her bedroom black or the one that got busted with a naked boy in their room and totaled the family car. Nor was I the ones that demanded attention by their high grades or their failing ones. I was the one that took it all in and most often kept to their selves.

Growing up with grandparents that were immigrants and survived the “great depression” I learned early on about recycling and being a good steward with all that was given to me.  When Vietnam was the war that we were engaged in, I wore my P.O.W. bracelet proudly and as a young pregnant wife in my  early twenties I religiously watched the Iran hostage crisis.We all endured “gas rationing” with odds and even days when you could have the privilege to purchase gas. At that I time I could fill the gas tank of my 1971 Ford Pinto with just $5.40. Cigarettes and yes I used to smoke were a mere 60 cents a pack. Yes, I am getting older!

As a fully grown woman now in my 50’s I look back and never blamed my parent’s for my shortcomings, I never had a sense that whether I was successful or not that somehow it was their fault. Rather I grew up knowing that if I wanted something I could work for it and achieve it and this included my own happiness. My happiness was my choice.

My story is real, considered “interesting” by some and others may view it as sad or dysfunctional or abusive and yet I never ever felt that way. I saw it for what it was and looked at everything as a learning opportunity, what was I supposed to learn from all this. In the end, it caused me to be more understanding and compassionate.

I knew my parents were people with their own issues and flaws, I never expected them to be perfect. They had their own wars, their own inner demons and their own life challenges that they were facing.

The greatest gift my parents bestowed upon me was their faith. They were both Catholics and we grew up being Catholic. I was baptized and later confirmed. Where I may not always believe in the Catholic Church; I have always believed in God.

I am proud of my beginnings and of being “sensitive” I was always tuned in, I know that my parents have transcended this life and are now positioned in the next life with an afterlife that affords them all the peace that they may have been lacking here on earth.

Every single person here on earth can declare themselves a “victim” of some sort or a “survivor.”  How we view ourselves and our lives is our own choice. We can find a reason, a reason to be a lover of life or a hater of life. A lover of other people or a hater of them.

We can find reasons to love our family and our parents or not, what we can’t do is go back and recreate our history. Our history is ours and it is not changeable. What it is; is a tool that we can use to gauge our future. What do we want to retain and what do we want to discard.

My father wanted me to develop a “tougher skin” he wanted me to let go of my anxiety and by not “sweating the small stuff” he wanted me to appreciate the bigger picture, where at 17 I was unable to achieve that, today I not only don’t “sweat the small stuff” but I have the life skills to understand that it isn’t a perfect world nor does it have to be perfect. I take my sensitivity any day, over being insensitive and I now know how to manage it.

We age and we come to understand that all our power was always there within us, it wasn’t with our parents or our siblings or our families nor with our children or our friends, all that we ever needed we already had and it was always there, there inside of ourselves. Today I appreciate everything … because good or bad, it is all a gift, it is all the gifts of life and of living …

In What Way is God Calling Me to Love

By Bernadette A. Moyer

I wish I could take credit for this question but I can’t since a dear friend shared it with me. What a great question though, “In what way is God calling me to love?”

I suspect at any given time the answer to that question can and will change just like we do. Looking back I can say that I was “called to love” my children. I was “called to love” a child that I birthed and twins that I co-parented with their biological father. I was “called to love” meaningful work that I did for causes like special needs children and religious retreats for youth and young adults. I was “called to love” the poor and the needy and to share not only my fundraising skills to help them but my own gifts of abundance.

Now that I am older I feel called to love and care for my two beautiful Bichon Frise dogs. And although I have always loved my husband I finally and fully embrace my “calling to love” him more and even better with humility and in gifts like a genuine desire to care for him. I am completely humbled by his love for me and my desire to love him. Simply put, I love loving him.

Throughout our lives we are presented with people and with numerous opportunities to show and to express our love. God calls us to love all people as He has loved us.

One of the greatest blessings in my life right now is the calling to marry couples in loving committed relationships. There is no happier time and day then the wedding day.  To be invited into their lives, to be the one chosen to officiate their most blessed and love filled day is beyond words. This calling feels so good, so right and truly God blessed.

In our lives we are called to do many things and perhaps our highest and greatest calling is in the ways that God calls us to love. The gift of giving, giving of one’s heart, soul and complete self in selfless acts of love has to be the most divine part of our human experience. Our souls yearn for love to give love and to receive love.

In what way or ways can you respond to, in what way is God calling me to love? I suspect in order to even begin to answer this question we must first pull back the layers, expose our vulnerability and identify what that true inner voice is asking us to do.

In closing from Maintenance to Mission by Robert S. Rivers, CSP the following quote;

“Vulnerability may be understood as the capacity to be open, to be attracted, touched, or moved by the draw of God’s love as this is experienced in one’s own life or in the lives of others. It is vulnerability that enables one to enter into relationships of interpersonal communication and communion with others who recognize their own weakness and need. Vulnerability requires the integrity and the strength — indeed the power— to risk enormous pain, to bear the burdens of the darkest hour without avoidance, denial and deception. It demands the stamina to be open in order to be touched in one’s fragility. Vulnerability implies a willingness to lose oneself, to be kicked off center by the claim of the others upon one in the hope of finding one’s true self. It demands readiness to die to one’s self so that one might truly live.”