A Very Happy Mother’s Day

By Bernadette A. Moyer

This past Mother’s Day was a very happy day for me. Yesterday I finally put my Mother’s Day card away that my son gave to me. It was so touching because he talked about being an adult and his adult view of my mothering. Our tradition each year is that he takes me out to lunch or brunch and we see a movie. He takes off of work to celebrate with me. It means a lot to him. And it means so much to me too.

But this year I was blown away by the gifts of effort from both my son and from my husband. My son created a personal video that he shot for me by taking many photos off my Facebook page and adding music and his own text.  It literally made me cry. And the one word that he used to describe me just made me so happy, the word was “wise” and who wouldn’t want to be known for their wisdom? He said he was up late the night before creating it and for me it was a complete and unexpected surprise but so truly wonderful.

I am a huge fan of gifts of effort. My husband surprised me by adding two new rose bushes to the garden. He not only purchased them but spent well over an hour weeding the area where they were to be planted and then put them in the ground surrounded by new mulch. Every day when I pass that side of our home I am reminded of his labor of love. I appreciate it so much and love the outcome.

Last year I remember a special exchange when two of the interns that I engaged showed up unexpectedly in my office with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a very large Mother’s Day card too. I never saw it coming but was completely delighted. They both have mothers of their own that they hold in high regard and yet they thought of me too.  A year later I still remember their thoughtfulness.

Mother’s Day this year was a very happy day for me and almost a month later I am still basking in the love and the appreciation that I received and for the most part it was because the gifts were rooted in genuine efforts and heartfelt actions.

I still feel the love and I feel so blessed …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Our Defining Moments

By Bernadette A. Moyer

We all have them. The defining moments and the defining years, they usually harken back to when we learned many valuable lessons. When we learn to drive and when we graduate and when we marry and when we have children. There are the years when we advance our careers and others when we experiences profound losses. Sometimes our defining moments come with a specific year and birthdate. I remember getting married at 19, being pregnant at the age of 20 and having a child just three days after I turned 21. I remember being widowed at the age of 23.

When I turned 25 I was completely miserable as a single mother with a 4 year old daughter. I was in an inappropriate relationship and feeling lost. My mother tried to cheer me up but the truth was I was transitioning from immature to a mature adult. I was finally taking hold of my life and responsibility for myself. That year I returned to school, changed careers and at age 26 purchased my first home. I became a Realtor and afforded not only a mortgage, but a new car and a child in private school. It wasn’t easy but I was determined and driven.

At age 30 I was mourning another failed relationship that ended badly. But at age 32 I would meet my husband who would become my long term love and life partner. Together we would embark on merging our broken families as we both had a spouse die and leave us with children. It wasn’t always smooth sailing but we were making it work. By age 38 I was feeling so accomplished as my child graduated from a highly regarded all girls Catholic Prep school with a fully funded academic scholarship. I was happy and I was thin and I was feeling good.

My feelings of accomplishment would be short lived because as it became time for my child to set her own course she would leave home and never look back. I grew up in my 30’s and my 40’s. I succeeded then and into my 50’s when yet another family drama would tear at me. More angry more hate more hurtful family that would take their pound of flesh when my desire to share “my story” was about to come to the light. All was well as long as they could conceal their flaws, scapegoat me and re-write history. It was yet another learning curve for me. Once I had a much better opinion of the key players than what they ever deserved.

But all was not lost as my heart grew larger, my self-worth increased and my faith in God prevailed. What I was left with was more lessons learned and a greater sense of peace.

Time always ferrets out the truth. We can package things anyway that we like but history always emerges with the truth. As parents we have a hard time watching our adult children fail. Many times by the poor choices that they would make and yet we all made them. And we survived just like they will.

My husband says that he was also miserable at age 25 when he wasn’t quite happy with the choices that he had made either. But isn’t that life? It is about learning and about growing up. It was about transitioning from thinking like a child to behaving like an adult. It was about being responsible for our own lives and our own decisions.

Today at 55 we are both happier than we have ever been. Together we have much life experience between us. We know what happy is and we know what sad is and we know that everything changes and to appreciate the here and the now and all that life offers. We are alive and healthy and that is what matters most to us.

Every one of us can be mad or sad about something we can also make the decision to be happy and glad. It is through the struggle that we find enlightenment.

Sometimes when we look back at the storms that we weathered and the loss that we suffered and the pain that we endured, we can remember that each was nothing more than the catalyst for change and for growth and that it was merely time for learning another lesson.

So here is to our defining moments … the ones that shaped us and made us who and what we are today!

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Bigger Than Your Brokenness

By Bernadette A. Moyer

We are so much bigger than any one life event. There isn’t a person alive that hasn’t experienced some form of “brokenness.” The longer we live the more of life that we experience. Events that are painful in life can be a catalyst for change and they can be what inspires us to do something good and even great.

As we approach Mother’s Day I am thinking of all my friends and that most significant relationship we will ever have, the one that we have with our own mother. A very close friend has grieved the loss of her mother for decades. She is a wonderful and truly accomplished teacher, a daughter to be proud of, for sure. She has memories of her mother, like most of us some are great and others are not. Another friend never knew her mother as she died when she was just an infant. Now in her 60’s she still grieves that loss.

Then there are mothers who have children that decided that mom was not good and not worthy and have estranged. They suffer from their own brokenness.

The mothers that have successfully navigated through all the trials and tribulations of raising their children and now reap that reward with healthy adult relationships are to be commended. How wonderful! And surely no greater success than to transition from parent-child to parent-adult child.

Each one of us comes into this world with our own strengths and weaknesses and with our own gifts and talents. We are all so unique. Some people are just wired to love and they are so good at both giving love and receiving love. Other people are natural born haters. They can easily find fault, are critical and can make a case and justify their lack of love. We are all so much bigger than holding on to hatred we are all so much bigger than our brokenness.

When I study people that are quick to judge and view the world through anger and hatred, I see where their brokenness continues on. We can change that if we want to but it takes strength and fortitude and a deep desire to move past our “list of wrongs” to a new “list of rights.” We are bigger than our brokenness but only if we want it for ourselves.

As we study conflicts and anger and hatred, there is no better place to look than at some of the most poverty stricken violent neighborhoods in Baltimore City. Recently we all got a bird’s eye view of a culture that wishes to destroy and abuse and break down rather than to build and to succeed. It is a culture that is rooted and often moves from generation to generation. It has become clear that throwing money at the problem is not the answer. It is deeper than all that.

Our belief system teaches us who we are and it teaches us what we are worth we all have that inside. People that value themselves, feel valued and value others are not people that destroy other people or property. Baltimore City has a segment of people and a large portion of their population that believes their brokenness is bigger than themselves. Unless or until they can believe that their life is worth more and can be better and move past their brokenness, there really won’t be any significant change for the better.

Our birth rite and our genetic make-up have a lot to do with how we are wired. Are we wired to view our life with hope and with a desire to do more and do better or are we wired to respond to life and life events with anger and with hate?

So much of our make-up stems from our first years when we were formed, the years when our parents were our greatest influence. Did we have good role models? Were we loved and cared for? Were our needs met? Or did our parent’s brokenness define them? Did they overcome it or did they create more of it?

Our mothers are key influencers in our life. Did they teach us well?  Like most mothers my mother had her gifts and her talents and her strengths and weaknesses. Professionally she was admired and respected by many. She was an intelligent and strong woman. She also was combative at times and a classic “enabler” through most of her adult life. My detachment from her started early. I had one therapist tell me I detached as early as 18 months. What I do believe is that she had issues with me and I had issues with her. If she wasn’t my mother she would never have been in my life. I really didn’t relate well to the kind of person that she was. My longing was for a mother that could give me more attention and more love and support. That wasn’t the role that she played. I didn’t communicate that very well and the siblings that could were easier for her to manage and to relate.

What I did learn was that I was so much more than my brokenness and that as an adult is was my job and my responsibility to fix me. It wasn’t her job at all.  Part of my wellness and healing was about my ability to forgive her and let it go. A loving heart doesn’t coexist with a heart that has anger and hate. I was committed to love. I didn’t want hurt or hatred to define me or my life.

Often we want to place blame. As a teenager I thought like a teenager. I blamed my mother for my parent’s divorce when clearly it was my father that had stepped out of their marriage. Even knowing that I still chose to blame her. Then one day you grow up and you view things as a mature adult.

Some people will take the good and leave the rest behind and others will hold on to all that isn’t good. For whatever reasons it must serve them well or they wouldn’t be doing it.

What I know for sure is that our “brokenness” only defines us if we allow it and if we want it. We can all be so much more than our brokenness …

Happy Mother’s Day weekend to all the mother’s out there! Most of us want the very best for our children and most of us did the best that we could with what we had at the time … and for that we should all be celebrated!

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Baltimore’s Passion and Pain

By Bernadette A. Moyer

Like people all across the country we watched in dismay and disgust and sadness as our beloved city Baltimore Maryland was destroyed by many of its own residents. Young black men that publicly displayed for the entire world their lack of hope and lack of respect and anger and frustrations in their very own hometown. Why? What could make a group of people believe that this was appropriate and acceptable behaviors?

They know better, we all know better, there isn’t a human being alive that thinks it is right and okay to hurl rocks and bricks and stones at other human beings. Regardless if the intended targets were police men and women.

We are living in a period of time when race relations are worse than what I ever witnessed in my lifetime. We have a black male President and Baltimore is run by a black female Mayor and yet race relations have not gotten any better. I believe that our President was elected because he is black! We want to believe that we are evolved and that the time was right just like many of us we want to see a woman president in our lifetime. But at what expense? Did we choose color over competence and will we choose gender over all, when that time arrives?

I want to see our evolution I want to believe that we had progressed as a country, but I also believe that Barack Obama was ill prepared and underqualified, there I said it! Under his leadership our country is more divided than ever?  He was and is in a position to build bridges and yet he continues to fan the flames that separate us.

My father was a retired two term Korean War veteran and in one of our last conversations before he died he quietly said to me, “I don’t think this President likes white people.”

When all the unrest started to openly show itself in Baltimore I heard Mayor Stephanie Rawlings Blake state that she views this situation “from the prism of a black woman” we can all see that she is black and that she is a woman, so now what?

How about this Mr. President and Madame Mayor, how about transcending your color to be the leadership for ALL the people and for the greater good not just for the people that look most like you? How about putting the people ahead of politics? How about working toward bridging the gap and being a force for unity? Instead of further division?

When I witness the protests across the country my sense is that this is so much more than Freddie Gray. I really believe that young people across this country have every right to be fuming mad, mad because the tax and spend enormous debt that they are inheriting and mad because our leaders want to fund the medical care in this country on their young and healthy backs. It used to be that we wanted to leave the country better for the next generation it used to be that we saved before we spent and we planned ahead.  We are handing our kids enormous debt and we have decided that our sick and elderly should be supported on the dime and the good health of today’s young person. We have done nothing to bring down health care costs. And much of it can be associated with insurance; malpractice insurance.

And before we judge the poverty and the inner city blacks and neighborhoods let’s look at what they have been asked to accept? We here in Baltimore have built back to back state of the art multi-million dollar stadiums in the same neighborhoods where schools have no libraries and no books and where kids don’t have enough food to eat? What message have we sent to them when we repeatedly show them by our actions that they don’t matter? I understand commerce as I am a successful businesswoman but I also am a mother who knows that these young people belong to all of us as they are the future of this country.

When a black man can make more money selling drugs than working at the corner store we can’t be surprised when he makes the choice to sell drugs. Truth is that many of these gangs are running successful businesses in drugs, using the very same skills that could be and should be used to run a legitimate successful business. They are smart and savvy businessmen, believe it.

When a neighborhood has been allowed to remain broken down and destroyed for the greater part of four decades and nothing has been done to fix it what messages are being portrayed by the people that live there and the young people that have never witnessed it any other way? The message is clear, the message is that no one cares. If we want people to have hope and to rise above poverty we must help them to attain the skills and give them that first hand up.

Years ago I worked in a special needs school that was major majority black and was both a day school with group homes. It came to the attention of the administration that supplies were missing and stolen. Supplies like tooth paste and toilet paper and soap. At first the staff was suspected but before long it was uncovered that some of the young boys that went home on the weekends to their families were actually the ones stealing. Why? Because they knew when they went home that mom couldn’t afford toilet paper, soap and tooth paste. So rather than have these kids steal, the leadership packed them bags that contained these items.  Most of us can’t image what it would be like not to have our basic needs met and not to have toilet paper or soap or tooth paste.

Baltimore City residents have a right to expect more and to expect better. It is no secret that Baltimore City has one of the highest homicide rates in the country. Baltimore has a history of corruption and one of the most upsetting news that was recently revealed was the staggeringly high salaries of many City School Administrators, most of whom are black. Salaries that exceeded $150,000 and $200,000 a year. In a school system also majority black where many young people are not getting their educational needs met.

When I sat with my husband and watched the Baltimore City police being abused and the numerous felonies that took place while the police watched I was bewildered and angry and dismayed. We expect our police to “serve and to protect” and it was clear that their boss the Mayor of Baltimore had given the orders to “stand down” I don’t care if you are black, white, pink or purple burning a business a car and assaulting people and police is illegal. It is criminal behavior.

There is a whole lot of healing that needs to take place in this country and in Baltimore City and many other cities. I don’t think that the black leadership can continue to get away with the  mantra “I feel your pain, when I see you, I see myself” we expect more from our leaders, they need to be mature enough and evolved enough to transcend their color and the color of all people in this country and do what is best. We are all people! We all bleed red! This is a great country and yet we have shown the world our darkest and dirtiest and saddest side.

Baltimore has many beautiful neighborhoods and world renowned hospitals and universities. The majority of its people are hardworking and good and generous people. I believe that it is through the struggle that we find enlightenment and good can come from all this unrest but first we have to want it and work toward it and we have to choose leaders that unite us and not ones that continue to divide us.

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Bernadette has resided in Baltimore County since 1982 and is married to Brian Sahm who was born and raised in Baltimore City and who served Baltimore City as a Civil Servant for 35 years.

It’s Not Over … Until We Take Our Last Breath

By Bernadette A. Moyer

There was a lot of lead up until the actual interview with Bruce Jenner that took place last night with Diane Sawyer. But what was the real take away for the average person?

I have never wanted to be anything but a woman and I can’t image it any other way. Most of us will never know what it feels like to be born of one sex and believing deep within that you should have been born another.

What struck me was the love and family support, this is a big deal; every single person involved is having their reality tested. What will it be like for them when Bruce presence himself as a woman after 65 years of living as a man? And yet there didn’t seem to be any harsh family judgement but rather love and acceptance. What family couldn’t learn from this example?

Where I can relate to Bruce Jenner is in the aging process where you get to the point in life where you have been someone’s child, someone’s friend, someone’s employee, someone’s partner, and spouse and more and at a certain stage in life you have been through the process, you have done the work you have life experience and you have lived and you know who you are and what is most important. At a certain age we just want peace, love and self- acceptance.

Clearly he has arrived at a place in his journey where giving in and giving up and NOT being true to himself is no longer working nor something that he wishes to pursue. I think we call that maturity. I don’t believe there is any greater act of self-love than to be true to oneself. Otherwise we are living a lie.

Our entire lives are full of choices, some greater than others. This is huge for Bruce Jenner and I have to believe that he alone knows what is best for himself. Most of us do. We know when we are on the right path, we know when we are making the right decisions and we know what is best for ourselves.

If you aren’t living happy or you aren’t living whole, then you aren’t living an authentic life. I don’t believe that joy, love and happiness can coexist in a life that is less than authentic. And the good news is that you alone can change that and there is still time. Our life is not over until we take our last breath.

People that are the happiest are the ones that are filled with love, peace and acceptance. Acceptance starts within us, when we can accept our own unique place in this life and accept our own unique life path and genuinely come to terms with who and what we are all about there is joy.

Be true to yourself! And if for whatever reason you have veered away from your own natural being, it is never too late to take a new path. It is not over until we take that very last breath …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Just For Fun

By Bernadette A. Moyer

“Did you come just for fun?” She asked. I didn’t know her name as we shared pleasantries while we both waited for our husbands to bring the cars around. She was from Jackson Mississippi and we had been staying in the same hotel in Biloxi Mississippi. When I told her we came from Baltimore Maryland in her very southern Mississippi accent she wanted to know if we “came just for fun.” I had to chuckle because I guess we had made this trip for fun.

Her baby girl was in a stroller and lit up when I smiled at her, according to her mother she just turned one year old. I was reminded of how often babies just took to me. How I loved kids and was always enlightened and having fun while interacting with them.

As we drove off I couldn’t stop thinking about her question and her glee when she asked it. In our more than twenty year history together my husband and I both had a lot of responsibility in our lives. For decades we had the two big careers that demanded our attention 24/7 along with raising our three children and managing two homes. We were always busy and we were always working. Sure we had fun but fun was the last thing on our agenda. We always had a lengthy “to do” list and that meant work.

Since his recent retirement after 35 years of employ we have slowed down quite a bit and in that slowing down we have carved out much more time for having fun!

Our trip to Biloxi was “just for fun!” We went to the pool and to the beach and we drove 45 minutes and enjoyed a day trip to New Orleans where we attended a Jazz Artists Festival. I had my cards read we ate at Café’ Du Monde and we shopped. We attended a live musical concert of one of our favorite country music artists at the Hard Rock Café. We had a blast! It was a trip that we both agreed upon was a lot of fun. One of our best ever.

In retrospect we often gave up “fun” for the seriousness of the numerous responsibilities we had taken on. Now I think more and more about living our lives and doing more and more things that are “just for fun!”

So … are you having fun? And if not what could/should you be doing differently to incorporate more fun into your life?

Here is to living a life that includes trips and experiences and events that are truly “just for fun!”

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Who Do You Voo Doo?

By Bernadette A. Moyer

On a recent trip to New Orleans I picked up a small Voo Doo doll. I was surprised at how many different types they had there. There were soft sewn ones that looked just like pillows and hard wooden ones that came with nails instead of pins. I picked up a small one and I always assumed you were tasked with “pinning” the people that you decided to “Voo Doo.”  That somehow it was a hate magnet and used to pin out our anger and upsets with others.

It was only after reading the tag did I learn that the white pins are for good luck and wishing good fortune and the black pin is for evil and wanting to harm our enemies and victims.

Imagine that? Imagine that we could “pin” or bring harm to the people that we didn’t like or had any grievances toward? And imagine using the white pin for trying to do good for someone? The doll is used as the vehicle for our intentions.

I am amused that this concept exists, I mean for me anyway what a waste of time to conjure up our anger and our ill will toward another and pinning them, basically stabbing them in an attempt that hurting them and releasing our anger and displeasure.

So far it has been interesting to see how others react to my Voo Doo doll as I leave it in my office. A friend immediately picked it up and starting stabbing all the named people they could think of that they no longer held in high esteem. Another person picked it up and declared that their intended victim didn’t have a heart to begin with so the exercise wasn’t valid for them.

I don’t think we need a Voo Doo doll to have negative or positive thoughts about others, I am pretty sure it is human nature. Some people we automatically like and others maybe not so much. I am not a person that carries hatred in my heart. I get angry I express it and I get over it. It is what I do for myself.

Who would you “Voo Doo?” Are there people that you would want to use the white pin on and others that you would want to use the black one on? Do you wish good fortune for others or ill will?

One of the reasons that I don’t wish harm on others is because my belief is that what we put out into the universe is what comes back on us. Like a boomerang if we put out love and goodness more love and goodness comes back to us. And when we put out anger and evil thoughts that is also what comes back to us.

Voo Doo?

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

You Are Only As Sick As Your Secrets

By Bernadette A. Moyer

“You are only as sick as your secrets” by Rick Warren This quote has also been used in the 12-step program for addiction. The premise is that so often what we are hiding or unable to deal with is often the root of our problems.

It has been said “the cover up is worse than the crime” and what people will do to cover up for their crimes or feelings of inadequacy. Lance Armstrong is a classic example of a guy that spent 10 years smearing the very people that were closest to him to cover up for his use of illegal enhancement preforming drugs. He knew what he did and yet he had very little concern for the people that he harmed.

I grew up in a highly dysfunctional family with a father who was a raging alcoholic and a mother who was an enabler and overeater. They both chose a different vice to numb their pain. Pain that was never dealt with but rather swept under the table.

When you are a child in an alcoholic home you learn to pretend that your life is normal and you learn to keep the family secrets. My father and his drinking and drinking related behaviors showed itself in numerous unhealthy ways. He had mood swings and a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde personalities and under the influence of alcoholic he could be both charming and violent. My mother hid much of what she endured from him from her family. She knew it was wrong but she stayed in it until she could no longer deny his multiple infidelities. There was much sickness associated with their secrets.

Her second marriage would also be riddled with secrets and sickness. She married and stayed married to a man that was accused of sexual abuse. She lived in denial. To be a part of my mother’s life, you had to subscribe to her denial. When I was a child I had no choice but as an adult I would find myself calling out that which I knew was wrong. This would make me a scapegoat and a target. But it also made me well and happy, I got away and I moved past it and ultimately I saved myself.

Living a lie or a life of deceit and dishonesty puts us off center and unable to live an authentic life. Many families have family secrets the things that they desperately hide to keep from the outside world. I am in a place where I no longer take someone else’s lies personally nor am I hurt or offended by them. If anything I am sad for their sickness. To lie and to deceive causes distrust and when we cannot be trusted we are limited in our abilities for true love and any real intimacy.

People that are consumed with “what will the neighbors think?” are often the same ones that are living a lie. What they try and put out into the universe doesn’t match up with authenticity and integrity. When we can move past our secrets and when we can come from a place of trust and of love then we are most centered and well. Our well-being and our abilities to experience pure joy are associated with honesty and truth and integrity.

We have stages for those that want to perform and act, in the theater of life, we can hide and we can hold secrets but far too often we pay the price with a life that is devoid of any real love and intimacy. You can’t be close to someone who is dishonest, you can’t be close to someone who is living a lie and holding on to secrets. Love and happiness thrive and live in the light and … in darkness we find illness.

Our ability to trust ourselves and to love ourselves is a direct connection with our ability to be honest with ourselves and with the people we are closest.  When I was a child I lived with family secrets and with high anxiety and as an adult I made the choice to live in the open with love and acceptance and in doing so I have found good health and much peace.

Letting go of the burdens of secrets is letting go of the barriers that inhibit good health and an abundance of love. Let love win!

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer