Life Isn’t Lived in the Rear View

By Bernadette A. Moyer

We don’t live our lives in the rear view mirror and yet so many of us are stuck in the past and in the rear. What we knew or what we know seems to be far less scary than what lies ahead; the unknown. Life goes on … no matter what yesterday brought or what today brings … life continues on.

Recently I flipped through many of my favorite books; books that were written by Hope Edelman, Marianne Williamson, Michael Singer and Michael Dooley. All of these writers are inspirational writers and not one of these books, am I ready to part with. As I flip through the pages I am aware of why I purchased them and where I was during that period of time in my life. I am also aware that I still glean insight from many of the pages; the written words still speak to me.

There is so much that we learn in looking back as hind sight truly is 20-20, did we receive the message though, and did we learn? Or are we destined to repeat the same?

My husband and I are blessed during this phase in our lives, as we are able to travel and to spend quality time together without the distractions of raising children and huge big career jobs that often left us both challenged and deflated and many times accomplished. Today we have the benefits of 20-20 vision and have made our peace with the “past lane.” It’s been stated, “If you can’t fix it or change it, it probably isn’t your issue or your problem to begin with.”

We have both accepted who we are and where we come from and we accepted our defeats and our accomplishments. Our kids were all successful while under our roof and no one ever got into any serious trouble while living at home. One of the most challenging parts for any parents is seeing your child fail and not being able to do anything about it. You learn humility and see just how small you are in the bigger picture. What you may have wanted vs what is and has happened. We can’t change anything that has already taken place. There are no do-overs in life.

If we are lucky we live and we learn and we continue to grow and to do our best every single day and by doing our best the view from the rear is easy to take and to accept. Wisdom comes from the past lane of life. What will the future hold comes from faith and the willingness to forge ahead in love and in trust and in faith. We learn to trust ourselves. Nothing dies before its time.

As my husband and I enter our 23 years together our overwhelming sense is of gratitude. We continue to feel God-blessed and so grateful for our union. We have the “past lane” that we share but we stand firm in forging ahead for all that life has yet to offer us. Together we have learned many life lessons. Together we are better than if we were apart. Together we have made the decision to be happy!   And what a great decision it is …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Hurt People, Hurt People

By Bernadette A. Moyer

When James was just nine years old, he witnessed his father shoot and kill his mother and then his father shot and killed himself. James witnessed it all and he has every right to his anger. He has been in and out of mental health care facilities and schools for children with emotional challenges. For days and weeks James seems to be doing well and then an anger episode that generally lands him back in a medical care facility.

Most of the professionals that treat James believe he has a 50-50 chance, he can go either way. He will either end up in prison having hurt someone or he will end up down on his knees and God will use him in a bigger and better way that he could ever have imagined for himself. James is hurt and he is bitterly angry. The loss of both of his parents by his father’s act of violence has sent him into the unknown; he was an above average student and now is completely lost. This is trauma at its worst and a lot for a young boy to carry with him.

He has a professional team that supports him along with his maternal grandmother who absolutely loves and adores him. This is a true story, however, the name has been changed.

Many of us walk around with far less hurts than James, yet there is hope for James and for anyone else who has been hurt. The deciding factor, will James find it within himself to take his anger and hurt and turn it around and do something good with it? What road will he travel? Will it be bright sunny skies or more darkness and despair? In the end, only James can make the choice on what road he will travel down.

Every single one of us can claim to be “hurt” over things that happen to us in our lifetime, the question is “what are we willing to do about it?” Obviously James didn’t ask for the hand that was dealt to him and yes it is so unfair, but like the bell that can’t become unsung, James has to take it hurt and learn from it. He has to use it to gain a deeper understanding that hurt people, hurt people. Clearly there is no excuse for the killings by his father; James will no doubt have a lot to overcome.

For every hurt in our life we are afforded an opportunity, we can do something good because of it or we can use it to justify our own poor choices. I don’t know James’s father story but I can’t begin to imagine why an adult would kill the mother of their child and then themselves in front of that very child.

Life can be cruel but it can also be joyous. Bad things do happen to good people. My hope for James would be that he finds an outlet to express his anger and that it eventually leads him to help others. That James can rise above his family circumstances and know that God loves him and wants so much more for him.

May God guide James along the way and hold him near as he struggles with heavy burdens and moving forward with his life and may God bless all those struggling with anger and hurts …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

What I Learned From My Dogs

By Bernadette A. Moyer

Humility – Picking up poop in public! Who else would you do that for?

Unconditional Love – Whatever kind of day I am having, they are always there to greet me with kisses and tails wagging!

Acceptance – There doesn’t seem to be any difference from their acceptance of me whether I am groomed or not, happy, sad or up or down they accept me “as is.”

Loyalty – Always, always so loyal … they are fiercely loyal! And oh so protective too!

Responsibility – we motivate them and teach them by our actions. And they respond in kind.

Real Communication Doesn’t Require Words – When I have broken down in tears in front of my dog, she comes and licks the tears away … there are no words.

That we have the capacity and the ability to experience such depth of love and caring for living creatures and just how big our hearts can grow in loving them and caring for them. Joy, love, laughter and all the good things in life, we love our pooches just like we loved our little children when they were young. They are our babies and like a child, they need us to care for them and to love them and feed them and shelter them.

Most of all I learned that life is better, richer and fuller with them than it could ever be without them …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Relationships … An Ongoing Series of Negotiations

By Bernadette A. Moyer

I have often thought that relationships should be called negotiations. Isn’t that what any relationship requires? A constant series of negotiated issues infused with some ever changing negotiations. We all come to our relationships with an idea of how it should look or we create that look as we go along. Just about everything we do in any relationships is on some level negotiated.

It could be as small as what we share for dinner or where we spend our vacation or it could be the foundation on what the relationship was formed. Our deepest most personal relationships are based on trust and they allow us to be who we really are and open and honest. A relationship lacking trust is one that is limited at best. Who could we ever be close with, if we can’t trust them?

Like Dr. Phil states, “that is a deal breaker” many times we have issues in our relationships that others may tolerate but for us it literally is a “deal breaker.” How many times can someone disrespect you or lie to you or deceive you before the relationship is damaged beyond repair?

We come to each person we meet with our thoughts and our ideas on what we learned from all our relationships. What works for us and what doesn’t work for us? Men seem better at cutting off relationships that don’t work for them. Women seem to want to work it out and work at their relationships.

I hear the men in my life say, “we are better off without that person” and I have never really thought that way until they said it. Sometimes we are “better off” without certain people in our lives and yet for whatever reason we keep them around.

People that have mastered the art of negotiating seem to be better at acquiring relationships that are rewarding and healthy for them. If you are unable to negotiate you either settle or you do without. The easiest most meaningful relationships are where respect and trust are the platform on which the relationship was established.

In order to have our needs met with another person and in a relationship we have to risk being known and being real and being honest. When a relationship of any kind lacks respect or honesty we are limited in where we can go in that relationship.

What one person may tolerate another person might not tolerate. Often at the onset of a relationship is when we do our best negotiating. We learn what a person expects of us and what they will and won’t tolerate. When we break the rules that have been negotiated in our relationships we are left to suffer the consequences.

It used to be so easy. We learned the “golden rule” do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Today more than ever we have leaders that don’t follow the golden rule and a society that often treats others in a way that they wouldn’t want to be treated.

Every single relationship that we enter into has some kind of spoken or unspoken code. We have our “non-negotiable” things too. The things that we won’t tolerate in our relationships are just as telling as the things that we will tolerate.

Think about it? When was the last time you “negotiated” in your relationships? What was it for? What are your “deal breakers” or what is on your list of “nonnegotiable?”

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

In Our Vulnerability

By Bernadette A. Moyer

A few days ago I went to see the new Disney Pixar film titled; Inside Out. The take away for me was that nothing got better until the main character (a little girl) could honestly deal with her emotions. When she could finally communicate her sadness over moving away from her hometown and leaving behind her school and her friends and her hockey team and express it and cry over it in an honest way, everything seemed to get better for her. Nothing worked when she expressed anger and her frustrations. Her parents couldn’t understand why she was disrespectful and why she was running away. In her vulnerability and in her honest communications the darkness dissipated and the light returned and then she was happy again.

I think we have all had those moments when self-preservation takes hold, our ego is engaged and we respond in dishonest ways and cover ups that only prolong the inevitable. Often our openness and our truth and our vulnerability is what is most needed and yet so challenging for us to accomplish.

“Vulnerability may be understood as the capacity to be open, to be attracted, touched, or moved by the draw of God’s love as this is experienced in one’s own life or in the lives of others. It is vulnerability that enables one to enter into relationships of interpersonal communication and communion with others who recognize their own weakness and need. Vulnerability requires the integrity and the strength — indeed the power — to risk enormous pain, to bear the burdens of the darkest hour without avoidance, denial and deception. It demands the stamina to be open in order to be touched in one’s fragility. Vulnerability implies a willingness to lose oneself, to be knocked off center by the claim of the others upon one in the hope of finding one’s true self. It demands readiness to die to one’s self so that one might truly live.” Robert S. Rivers, CSP from Maintenance to Mission  

It is amazing that how when we are honest and when we are heartfelt and when we are open how we attract healing and all the rights things into our lives. For many people honesty and vulnerability are covered up by lies and by self-preservation and these things only serve to take us further away from our authentic selves and from what we need to heal and to become whole and happy.

What touches our hearts? What moves us? What makes us feel emotions from a deep place within? It isn’t bravado but rather an absence of false pride and a willingness to open our hearts up in real and meaningful ways. I don’t know of anything that gets better when we deliberately choose to deny our hearts.

“I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.” Brene Brown  

Love … belonging … trust … joy … creativity … they all seem to start with our openness and our willingness to become vulnerable …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Families That Vacation Together – A Day at Rehoboth Beach

By Bernadette A. Moyer

It has been said that “writers are observers of life” and this writer certainly believes that to be true! During a recent trip to the beach I enjoyed doing what I enjoy most; people watching. There were several families near us as we sat on the sand and took in the sun and the sights.

The family that most caught my attention sat directly in front of us. It was a multi-generational family with grandparents and their adult children along with their children. They all seemed to get along and to enjoy each other’s company. I enjoyed watching them interact.

What struck me was the respect and the love that was communicated to the elder “mom” and “dad’ and just how loving they were toward one another. A grown son with his girlfriend (no visible wedding rings) asking “Mom do you need another towel? Here take mine.” He then walked toward her and helped to make her more comfortable.

Then there were the adult children with their young kids and the cousins were all playing and building sand castles. The unmarried aunts and uncles were playing with them and running into the surf together. Again more love more support and all about getting along, surely memories were being made.

I witnessed a young mother discreetly breast feeding her baby and with dad watching over them. Later a little girl that came out of the water and had some difficulty finding her parents in the large crowded beach. A woman immediately reacted and offered to help her, soon she was reunited with her family.

There is a lot that goes on at the beach. I am tuned in and take it all in including my husband who zones out listening to his iPod, eyes closed and in another world up until the heat gets to him and he has to cool off in the water.

When I sit there and look around at all the people, I wonder where they are from and what they do for a living, I read their t-shirts the ones that read “Penn State” and “Key West” along with so many other messages.

I remember when our kids were little and all that sunscreen and the hats that we wanted them to wear to avoid a sunburn. We have so many memories of all the kids and their beach adventures. One of my favorite memories was when the twins were just toddlers and wore matching boy and girl bathing suits that were from Disney and 1001 Dalmatians themed. They were just so cute with the puppy spots and in black and white with red. They loved the water and we loved sharing it with them.

The beach is like camping without the tents, watching people settle into their little piece of real estate for the day and eating food that they brought or that they purchased from the boardwalk.  It’s just fun to watch.

It is so easy to pass the day away at the beach and I always feel like, “my soul knows no calm like the sounds of the surf slapping up against the sand”  I am renewed by my time spent there.

I hope all families get to have that experience of sharing recreational time together enjoying mom, dad, grandpa and grandma, cousins and aunts and uncles all enjoying life and one another and creating memories. It really doesn’t get any better than that!

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

I Named Her

By Bernadette A. Moyer

I named her, I choose her first name and her middle name, and her name came from an old Johnny Mathis song and also from a little girl that I babysat when I was just a teen. My second choice was Caitlyn Marie and Christopher Michael if we had a boy. It was my choice at just three weeks of age that she would be christened in the Catholic Church. I was there and she was there too.

After taking La Leche league classes I chose to breast feed for the first year of her life. I was there for every single doctor’s visit and every single first day of school and every last day too. It was me who taught her to ride a bicycle and I was there when she passed her driver’s license exam. As an infant I changed diapers and as a young woman I helped support her style. I was there and she was there too.

As a toddler our outings often included the public library and she was enrolled in every single summer reading program. She loved books and was a wiz with her ability to communicate. She was an avid reader. We read together and she always seemed to have her face in a book. I was there and she was there too.

It was me who would decide she should attend Catholic schools and it was me who decided she should be Confirmed. I was there for love and I was there for support. She achieved much as an academic, she was smart, social and attractive. I was there and she was there too.

I was there for all the Christmas programs, for piano lessons and recitals; I was there for carpool every single school day. I was there and she was there too.

I was there when she fell and when she failed, I was there to cheer her on and her biggest fan when she accomplished her goals. I was there and she was there. When her father died and she was just two years old, my love and my desire to protect her from any other harm was heightened. I was there for first dates and for proms I was there for first jobs.  I was there and she was there.

I was there for birthday parties and for “sweet 16” I was there for summer pool parties with her classmates. I was there and she was there too. She always smiled when she saw me and her voice always heightened when I called her. I was there and she was there.

Summer vacations always included the beach, we both loved the water. I was there and she was there too. When she graduated with honors, I was there. When we purchased her first car I was there. I was there and she was there too.

I named her. I choose her first name and her middle name. I carried her into this world and I gave her life. I was there and she was there too. She called me “mom” for the longest time, she was the only one. Then one day it was “Bernadette” and we were done. I was there and she was there and that was all …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

If Perception is Reality, Does the Truth Matter?

By Bernadette A. Moyer

If perception is reality, does the truth even matter? You can take two people who witness the very same things and yet report on it in completely different ways. How does this happen? Do we believe what we see and what we know? Or do we believe what we want to believe?

If you were unaware of the recent riots in Baltimore City I could take you to several neighborhoods in Baltimore city where you would walk away with a high opinion of Baltimore. I could take you to Oriole Park at Camden Yards for a baseball game and you could take in a state of the art professional baseball park that is loaded with all kinds of amenities. You would see that Baltimore has a lot to offer or to Harbor East with beautiful water views and numerous boats on the water. We could share a wonderful meal in Little Italy or many of the other famed restaurants in Baltimore. I could show you inside John Hopkins hospital that is truly a caring and innovated hospital and respected worldwide or tout the many accomplishments of Loyola, Notre Dame and John Hopkins Universities. The Baltimore Basilica is stunningly beautiful too. All are located in Baltimore City.

But if the only thing you witnessed about Baltimore was where the recent riots occurred and the knowledge that Baltimore City just had one month with more than 40 homicides, would you ever believe that this was a good place to visit or to live or to eat?

The same can be said for our relationships where we see the best in others of the very worst in them. Do we see people for who they are or do we see them for who we want them to be? Do we judge them on one view or a total picture? I work with many parents who are bewildered by the things their adult child have said about them, their truth doesn’t match up with what the parents say and believe to be the truth. Does the truth matter? If we say something long enough does it become our truth rather than what actually transpired? If we perceive it to be true, does that make it so?

It’s been said that in a court of law often the side that wins has the better debater and the truth takes a back seat. There is a term called “convenient truth” where what is expressed is just that “convenient.”

I’ve worked in public relations for many years, always highlighting the accomplishments while downplaying the weaknesses. In these situations you could do the reverse and have a very different outcome and yet both presentations would/could be based in truth.

Our own perceptions can be our own truths. The prism that we view life from is based on our reality and our own unique life experiences. “Black lives matter” is a slogan that has popped up in Baltimore and I personally would never have isolated “black” my perception and my reality would be more aligned with “all lives matter.” Because in my reality I never experienced being “black.” We think we know and yet one of the wisest statements I ever heard was “you don’t know just how much you don’t know.”

Does the truth matter? If we perceive it does that make it true? If perception is reality, does the truth matter?

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Living in Love

By Bernadette A. Moyer

Living in love is a choice just like living with hatred and anger and any other emotion. We get to decide how we will live and how we will respond to life. Since making the choice to live in love I have been happier and healthier than ever before. I decided that if I couldn’t respond with love, I would not respond at all. This single declaration has truly simplified my life. It feels great. We have the choice to live the way that works best for us.

Living in love isn’t the same as being in love or being married or being in a relationship. It is about keeping our own heart in check. Does my attitude and does my heart and do my choices and responses line up with love? Am I coming from a place of love and a place where God would want me to respond and live from? When I can answer in the affirmative that I am truly living in love then my heart is always in a happy and healthy place.

It isn’t always easy but for me it is always the best way to go. Life will challenge us, people will challenge us, the greatest challenge often comes from those that are not living in love and where we cannot change them, and we certainly can change how we respond to them. Not all relationships are meant to last forever, some come and some go. When we can embrace and release with the same degree of love we are living our most love filled life.

Learning to side-step those that bring chaos and drama, the ones that are suffering and instead of learning only wish to harm others, we can try and help them but unless or until they wish to help themselves our efforts will be futile. We learn. If a person presents themselves to you 99 times and each time that they do they smack you in the face, if you go around them for the 100^th time and they smack you in the face is it their fault or yours? After a while we learn not to go there. Letting that person go and releasing them in love is what living in love is about.

Love begets more love, when our love grows and when it responds most often we find that we have created even more love. The happiest people are not the ones involved in wars and in hatred; they are the ones who have mastered the art of loving. For most of us, our lives won’t be measured by all the material possessions that we attained and own in our lifetime, but rather by the love that we gave away and the love that we received in return.

I don’t have to understand. There are many things that I may not understand. Often it is about how other people choose to live but that is their choice and their life. Take Bruce Jenner who has decided to make a major life altering decision in transitioning from male to female. That isn’t my reality. It isn’t what I am tasked with. His choices are simply that, his.

It is so easy to judge and to spew out all of our dissent if that is what we decide to do. It truly is just as easy to respond with love, if that is what we choose to do. It’s not about forgiveness or any other act it is merely about leading with our hearts, wanting love to reign and for peace to rule. And living in love allows for infinite love and a life that is centered in God’s peace.

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer