life

At Peace

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At Peace
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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“Do I need to be right or do I need peace?” Oprah

What does it take to arrive at peace and then to maintain that peace? Life changes, people change and we change.

Today as I write this I am totally at peace and yet there have been numerous times in my life when I was not living in a peace-filled state. So what has changed? I did.

I know when I am right and that is good enough for me. I don’t need someone else to bless my truth or to fight my truth; it’s enough for me to know it. And like most people I know when I am not right too. Experience is always the greatest teacher.

I no longer get sucked into other people’s drama and their story. Older and wiser, it probably is some of that but also life experience. Knowing who we are and standing in our own truth allows the insults and judgements of others to just roll off. People will love you and hold you in high regard and others will find fault, if we allow others to judge us we will live in a constant state of shift, swing and change. It can be painful to have someone that we love or loved judge us harshly, but most often when we take that healthy step back, it becomes clear that it isn’t about us.

The people that need to make another look badly do so to try and elevate themselves. This is a sad truth. Love yourself today! Taking care of yourself helps you to feel as good can and maintain inner peace, regardless of what may be going on externally.

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Protect yourself and protect your peace. Not every situation is one that we should engage. Sometimes knowing where to side-step a situation will in the end help us to maintain our peace. There will be conflict, there will be noise; there will be situations that test our peace. But we have a choice and our choice is what we do for ourselves and what we do to remain; at peace.

Peace be with you …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Along The Way and Another Way by Bernadette A. Moyer available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

The Courage to Say Yes

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The Courage to Say Yes
By Bernadette A. Moyer

 

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Several years ago I blogged about “the courage to say no” and often it does take courage to thankfully decline. It could be an event or a position or even a piece of pie and we just don’t think it is right for us and yet we may have difficulty saying no.

However, recently I have been pondering what it takes to respond with “yes” a simple “yes I will do that” or “yes I want that” and “yes I am open to that possibility.”

Sometimes it takes courage to respond with “yes” because it is unknown and we may not be sure if it is what we want. How many times do we get invited to attend an event and we just aren’t sure? Should I go? Should I decline?

That new association with a friend, is this someone worthy of opening up the door and opening up to get to know better? How about that volunteer position or that new job? Is this something that will work for us? Truth is that most often we won’t really know unless we try it or if/when we have that gut feeling that responds with either an up or down vote. Sometimes we instinctively know that “yes” is the correct answer for us. And sometimes it isn’t.

Should I say yes or should I say no? It sounds so simple, right? But what are we actually saying yes or no in our response?

I was recently invited to attend a Ted Cruz for President Rally, at first I was like sure I will go but as the time to attend was getting closer I was thinking maybe I shouldn’t? He is not my first choice for President. I ended up attending and it was definitely well worth my time. That “yes” response allowed me to meet up with my neighbors, see old local political friends and actually learn a few things. It was interesting.

It was my first ever event with the “secret service” and my first ever Presidential candidate rally. We have been involved locally in politics, but never on the national level. It was fun! It was educational! It was new to us and definitely worth that “yes” response. But … what if I didn’t go? I guess I would never know what I was missing.

Through the years I have been offered many things, opportunities to travel, opportunities to go into business, opportunities to move, and opportunities to throw my support behind a specific cause and typically my gut answer gets it right.

However as I age, I find myself with more of an open mind and open heart and more often a desire to respond with “yes” because putting myself in new places with new people and new opportunities and new challenges allows me to learn and to grow and to appreciate everything for what it is … a part of life … a part of living and what greater way is there to experience life than to respond in the affirmative?

YES! YES! YES! Doesn’t it feel good to just say yes, yes I can do that! Yes, I will do that! Yes!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Trust Your Wife, Dear!

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Trust Your Wife, Dear!
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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It is being reported that Presidential Candidate Bernie Sanders wife is one of his most trusted advisors and that Presidential Candidate Donald Trump is often advised by his wife “to act more Presidential.”

For years when I suggested something new to my husband it was often met with comments like “did I ask for that” and “I don’t want that” and today we laugh about it because he knows it is true. When I wanted to hook him up to social media he was giving me such a hard time that I just set him up and then forgot about it. Today he has more followers on Twitter than I do and he is much better versed in Twitter too!

He balked initially at the iPad I gave him for Christmas several years ago and yet today I don’t think he could live without it. He uses it multiple times each day, the same can be said for the electric tooth that he balked at using and now readily uses every single day.

So what is it? Is it that it is my idea? Or that male thing that is so afraid of being cared for and supported by a woman? In his words he doesn’t want to be “whipped” by a woman. That just makes me laugh!

And here is why, when you enter into a partnership like a marriage, to be successful, you support each other. That’s just how it works. Their success is your success and your success is their success. I don’t try to control him and he makes that easy by being so committed and dependable. Trust is a natural byproduct when someone stands by you through all the events in life, the good events and the not so good ones. Through time and tests you learn that they are there for you.

My husband is a tough guy who knows who he is and even though we spend a lot of our time together, he is an individual. We are a traditional couple. He has his jobs and I have mine.

Learning to trust takes time, for me it took a really long time because I had only ever experienced close family relationships that really could not be trusted. That was all I knew. My husband being who he is that regular guy, who just never lets me down, allowed me to learn that I could and that I should trust him.

His resistance to trusting in me was rooted in something completely different. For him it felt like giving in or yielding. It was like I was asking him to give up his manhood. I wasn’t. I wanted to share with him the things I liked and I wanted to support him. Now he knows that and we laugh at how often he tried to resist.

At almost 25 years together, I know that he knows that he can “Trust your wife, dear.” And that any good marriage is one that has been battle tested and through those battles you do learn that you can trust one another and that in the right relationship/marriage you will have mutual trust, love and support.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

I Love Mondays!

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I Love Mondays!
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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I might not be in the majority, but I love Monday’s! Monday is the day that we bring order and definition back to our lives. YES! Weekends are great and can be filled with fun things to do, but many people work on the weekends. I have often worked weekends, first as a sales clerk then a waitress, and in nonprofit work too.

Monday is the here we go again day and a new start over day; it’s the beginning of a week where we attempt to accomplish much. Our Monday is the beginning of who knows what but if we play our cards right it is that foundation day that often sets the tone for the rest of the week.

What do we need to do? What do we want to do? What progress will we make? Monday’s offer hope and new possibilities and brand new beginnings.

Learn to love your Monday and set the tone for a wonderful week! I love Monday!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

The Fox, The Birds and all The Bunnies

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The Fox, The Birds and all The Bunnies
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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With all the wildlife in our neighborhood, you might think we live on a farm. We don’t. We live in a community with homes that are situated on a quarter acre sized lots. However, there are animals everywhere. We have also witnessed several deer among the fox, birds and bunnies that surround us daily.

A few nights ago I took the dogs out around 4:00 in the morning and what do I see? A red fox that is boldly looking back at me! I’ve seen this guy before or at least his relatives as they are most probably habituating in their den located under our deck and pool area. This is the only animal that somewhat frightens me. I hold the dog leases tightly and encourage the dogs to do their business quickly. I want to return to the safety of our home, inside our home. And now I know why Happy our older Bichon Frishe was barking so loudly. She knew Mr. Fox was out there!

At this same time we have a mother bird sitting upon her nest, she has been posted there for a few days now. We did catch a glimpse when she was gone briefly of the two eggs that she is resting upon. In the midst of all this there are always bunnies running around and through the yard. The sounds of the birds are a welcome sign that spring has arrived.

As I take in all the animals that we share our property with I am struck by how we all co-habitat together. It’s about respect. Animals are smart like that. They know who to mess with and who to leave alone. Just like I sit back and watch the animals, I know not to touch them, to respect them. Mother bird doesn’t want any human hands touching her nest and unborn.

The fox runs when he sees you, he doesn’t want to mess with you any more than you want to mess with him. It’s the circle of life. I can say I don’t ever see rats or mice and I suspect it is because the fox tends to those animals.

We go out of our way not to poison the environment on our property so that the animals can exist and live a healthy life. I’m not crazy about the red fox though; I look closely when I am out back of the house and near the area where I suspect they are living. They can stay as long as they respect us the same way that we have chosen to respect them.

Then I think about people and how often a lack of respect is at the root of the problem. People don’t get along because they don’t respect that another person might look differently, practice a different faith or live another way. Yet the entire premise of the all living things is to show respect for whom and for what they are. It’s about getting along.

What kind of world would it be without birds, bunnies and I have to say that red fox is pretty damn impressive with its long tail, fit slim body and quick reflexes. He just wants to live and to survive the same way that we do.

The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Gandhi

There is a way to survive all together, there is a way to get along, there is a way to respect that each living thing has just as much a right to be here as we do …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
Books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Inez Totani’s Daughter

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Inez Totani’s Daughter
By Bernadette A. Moyer

Inez

It is coming up on the 5th anniversary of my mother’s death. I am Inez’s daughter, her second born daughter. Yesterday I visited her gravesite. I shed no tears. My heart is filled with love and with peace. My mother had many wonderful qualities as she was a brilliant nurse, an excellent student and a force of life. Her weaknesses were in the men that she chose. Both of her husbands were men who were abusers.

You couldn’t tell her anything once she made up her mind about something or someone there was no changing her mind. Any facts that flew in the face of how she wanted things to be were dismissed and destroyed.

My mother would have been proud of me for standing up against a child molester and for taking a stand. The only problem is/was that the child molester was her second husband.

In my mid-fifties, I no longer need my mother’s approval nor do I really need anyone’s approval. I know who I am. I am Inez and Bernie’s daughter. I am Ariane’s mother. I was Randy’s wife. I am Brian’s wife. But most importantly I am my own person and a really good person.

You never know what you would do in any given situation until you find yourself there. Hind sight is always 20-20. We are a wealth of all our experiences.

Yesterday as I drove through my parent’s small town in Northeast Pennsylvania and the little farm where I spent my early years, I am proud of where I come from as a small town country girl. I know my roots but I also celebrate the full and rewarding life that I later secured for myself.

My parents taught me that if I wanted something I needed to work for it and I have worked for the lovely life I lead. My parents taught me that it is through the struggle that we find enlightenment. My parents taught me to persevere. My parents taught me to have faith, to have faith in God and faith in the world and ultimately to have faith in myself.

On this Good Friday and just a few weeks from the anniversary of my mother’s death I know that my faith is stronger than ever before and that I have forgiven all those who have hurt me and disappointed me. I have forgiven my mother.

I believe that my mother watches over me and that when I do pass through this life, she again will be one of the first people that will greet me. I have faith. I have forgiveness. I have God. I have love.

Being Inez’s daughter is only part of my journey and only part of who I am … I am grateful for my life. I am happy to be here and I thank God that I was able to come out whole and through it all to the other side.

Peace and love …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
New books! Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

An Easter Blessing

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An Easter Blessing
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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And He will raise you up on Eagle’s Wings Psalm 91:4
The Lord has risen
May you find peace and an abundance of love and light
In the spirit of the season
With bright pink tulips
Cherry blossoms abound
Vibrant yellow forsythia
New rich green grass
Lit with bright and shiny endless blue skies
There are miracles in every moment
A fullness and newness in the air
Hope lives eternal
May you know the richness and exuberance of every single day
The belief that every moment in every life truly matters
And that life is so much bigger than any single soul
Because I live, you also shall live John 14:19
Rejoice in the resurrection of the Lord
May He fill your heart with happiness and joy this Easter season!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Dear Baby “E”

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Dear Baby “E”

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Your name could be ”Elizabeth” or “Eric” or any other name; you are the innocent child of a parent or parents that decided for you that your grandparents were not worthy. They have issues with their mom and dad and have dragged you into their battles. Whatever war they are raging and for whatever reason you are the collateral damage. You will miss out by no fault of your own.

Sometimes your parents chose this to hurt their parents, sometimes they chose it because they are petty and jealous and most often you will be told it was for your own good. You will be told a distorted version of the truth so that you are easily manipulated into their scenario. They have reduced you to a pawn. And because you are a minor child there is nothing you will be able to do about it. Well at least not right now.

You should be concerned and even angry and you should be upset and you should find out for yourself as soon as you are of age to do so. You may have grandparents that you would have loved and adored and they would love and adore you too. Sadly that would make mom and dad furious. They want you to be a part of their life choices, they want you to estrange from their parents the very same way that they have done. The difference is that it was their choice and you never had a chance to choose for yourself.

Your grandparents are another place for you to receive love and support. Your grandparents are the place where you would learn about your family history and your roots. Most grandparents are loving and supportive and have so much to offer you.

There are grandparents that have moved clear across the country to help raise another grandchild so the parents could work, that child is lucky and well-loved and that child is your cousin. You could have shared that same love and experiences that they are receiving.

Grandparents are givers, givers of love, givers of wisdom, givers of experiences, treats, toys and treasures. They want to teach you and they want to share with you and they want to give to you. They want to be a part of your life.

One day when you become a grown up, you will have questions of your own. You could blindly believe mom and dad or you could seek out your grandparents on your own and then decide for yourself. Be wary of any adult that doesn’t want you to think for yourself and formulate your own opinions. Be wary of the person who decides for you that someone else is not worthy. Be concerned about anyone, mom or dad or otherwise that may have manipulated you so that they could be right and someone else would be wrong.

For decades I have worked with parents that are estranged from their adult children, and grandparents that were either cut off from their grandchildren or never allowed to formulate a relationship with their grandchildren. This is happening in record numbers and happening all around the world.  It is not just happening  in your family.

What I know for sure is that your grandmother and grandfather will welcome you with open arms. I know this because I have witnessed first- hand just how big their hearts are and how much they have to give you and how much they want to give to you.

Don’t fall for the “abuse excuse” it’s the biggest excuse out there and used by an overwhelming large majority of adult children as to why they chose to estrange themselves. Once the word “abuse” is thrown out there, everyone gets behind the self-proclaimed victim, without even considering that it may be for the sole purpose of manipulation. This single declaration could be used to get the reaction that estranged adult children need and want to help them to justify their decision and behaviors.

And many parents/grandparents will just give up and walk away after hearing such declarations, grandparents that would never have chosen to turn their backs on their grandbabies and grandchildren.

In life, there are always two sides to every story, make informed decisions by listening to all the sides before deciding for yourself what the best decision is for you.

Until that day when you get to decide for yourself and meet your grandparents, I want you to know that due to your very existence, there is so much in this world that is there and it is there just for you!

In God’s Peace and Love

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
New books Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Excitement Ahead

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Excitement Ahead
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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“Life isn’t lived in the rear view mirror” F. E. Feeley Jr., from Objects in the Rearview Mirror

Through the years I have done so much grief work for myself and with others, first it was about death and later about family estrangement and the overall question is always the same, how did you do it? How did you survive it?

Honestly sometimes I did better than other times but in retrospect and with 20/20 hindsight vision, it was my belief that something good would come of it and that something better was yet to come, and it always turned out that way!

One of the things I have learned to do for myself and for the quality of my life was to look ahead, plan ahead and make sure that I always had something special to look forward to in my life. I am always planning to go somewhere to see something and to spend time with the people that I most enjoy. I also make a point of talking to strangers who I meet along the way. The secret to me for living a happy life is really pretty simple, surround yourself with as much love and light as possible and schedule events that make you happy.

That is what I do and knowing that I have an event, or an outing or an occasion just up ahead helps me to deal with most everything in life. It keeps me happy, it keeps me energized and excited about living.

And yes I have had my share of being stuck, stuck in my upset and stuck in my grief when things didn’t work out like I thought they should. Today those very same things I once grieved over I can now see how blessed I am to have lost them. The lessons were learned and it was time to move past it, so often freeing up space where the voids were allowed me to choose more wisely. I made better choices and how could that ever be a bad thing?

In the past few months I have enjoyed business meetings that were both productive and informative and I have enjoyed meeting new people and going to new and different places. We are only limited by our choices. There is so much excitement ahead.

Even the season that is about to change is cause for celebration, so is St. Patrick’s Day and Easter and day-light saving time and that lunch with a friend, trip to the grocery store, making that special cookie or cake. Just about any activity that we engage in can have the potential to create excitement. And yes the converse may be true as well if that is how we decide to view it.

I don’t want to be sad anymore! Does that mean that I will never experience sadness again? Of course not but it does mean that I don’t have to stay stuck there and the probability is that if I plan something fun and exciting to look ahead to doing, any sadness won’t last and it will be short-lived.

So what lies ahead …lots of life and fun and travel and events and yes hard work too, most notably this week I will do something that I have resisted doing for years. Moving past the pen to paper and by invitation I will be co-hosting a talk radio show. I’ve never done this before and yes I have been asked by television and film producers over the years to share my stories about grief and loss. I wasn’t comfortable nor was I ready.

Today I have moved past the personal parts of it to the greater good; I’ve listened to thousands of others and I’ve swapped stories and it is no longer so personal for me. The events in my life that I have shared through my writings I will now begin to communicate verbally and I am thrilled and happy that I am in a place where it is all about healing our hurts and learning to live with the lessons. We can all make the choice to choose happiness.

So here is your homework, make a list of the things that make you happy and do as many of them as you can and schedule/plan activities that excite you and live with knowing that there is much excitement ahead … because you not only channeled it but planned for it.

Look at how excited small children become when they learn that the things they like to do are planned for them and just up ahead. Take the time to plan for exciting experiences and watch how quickly the hurts, losses and voids are replaced with new and better events, choose healthy, choose wisely and choose fun and exciting … everything/anything is possible.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books Along The Way and Another Way available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Adult Children That Love and Respect Their Parents

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Adult Children That Love and Respect Their Parents
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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In just this week on social media sites I witnessed adult children that declare their love and respect for their parents. I say Amen to that! These kids just look so much more attractive than the ones who constantly and consistently find fault with the very people that gave them life and raised them, their own parents.

Whether you like Donald Trump or not, his adult children are by his side and working hard for him as they support him. All of his adult children are up to their eyeballs in supporting their father. And clearly with three marriages, much scandal and who knows what else, they could find fault with dear old dad if that was what they wanted to do. I love seeing his adult children supporting him. It makes him look good but also makes them look good too.

I witness my dearest friends that are caretaking for their aging and ailing parents and I see their loving hearts in their caring actions. Again it makes them look good but also credits their parents.

During this same week a post of a newspaper clipping was shared with me of an ailing mother who took to newsprint to post an ad letting her adult son know that he was forgiven, that she was ill and hopeful someone somewhere would see it and encourage him to call his mother before she dies. It’s heartbreaking to see such an ad. Mom is trying to die in peace and her adult son is nowhere to be found.

Other friends share their broken hearts over 1, 2, 3 and even more of their children that want nothing to do with them. They have been dismissed. Through the years I have communicated with thousands of parents and all of them express their broken hearts over their adult children who have chosen to estrange. These kids need and want to make mom and dad look badly so they can justify their actions and their decision to estrange.

I don’t think they factor in just how badly it makes them look to speak so poorly about the mother and father who gave them life and who raised them to then turn around and treat their parents so badly.

When adult kids are successful and appreciate their parents as a result it seems like a natural transition of appreciation and love, and others who are successful and don’t appreciate their mom and dad, it’s hard not to respond with, “so you became a success all by yourself?”

Then there are the adult kids who are failing and struggling and want to blame mom and dad? Either way it just doesn’t add up. At some stage in life you take responsibility for the choices that you make and you grow up enough to stop placing blame on your parents.

We learn from the Ten Commandments; “Honor your father and mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you.”

Adult children who have loving relationships with their parents tend to have loving relationships period. Each one of us can love just as each one of us can make the decision to withhold our love. Being on the side of love and gratitude is by far the most attractive and healthy side to be associated with. Everyone wears love well and I don’t know of anyone that looks good wearing an angry and unforgiving heart.

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes & Noble