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My New Book is Out

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My New Book is Out
By Bernadette A. Moyer

My new book titled; ALONG THE WAY has finally been published and of course I am excited. Writing and creating a book is a lot like birthing a baby as you go from conception to birthing, it is a process!

And just like having a baby when that book is finally birthed/published you are just over the moon happy and so giddy with glee.

This isn’t my first book and yet every book feels like a first. I know that it is my best work, well at least, to date. Most writers know that you just get better and better the more that you write.

It is a long road and a lengthy process to create a book and like my favorite Stephen King quote states; “there is no such thing as writing, there is only re-writing.” I don’t think there is a writer out there that is ever finished/ done, we want to edit, to correct, and to rephrase and we want to do it over and over again.

ALONG THE WAY includes more than 220 articles, blogs and essays and covers a wide range of topics. Some titles include; It Isn’t About You, Dads and Daughters, Perfection is God’s Business, Dear Estranged Adult Sons and Daughters (has over 1,000 “likes” on Facebook) and Happiness is an Inside Job.

You can find a detailed book description at http://www.createspace.com/5705583?ref

My new book is out and I hope that you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed creating it!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

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Sweet Sweet Surrender

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Sweet Sweet Surrender

By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Surrender as in letting go of control and to yield to power. I am thinking about surrender is the sense of letting go and accepting that we are not in charge that there is a greater power. Our world and our existence here is bigger than just us. Not one of us decided on our birth date or our natural death date. In life there is really very little that we control. We didn’t pick our parents nor did they choose us. We take what we receive and we make the most of it.

As a marketing and salesperson for the bulk of my career in both for profit and non-profit, most of my sales training taught me to go after what I want. In my personal life I have done the same. Then there comes a time when you know that you’re not going to be the President or a model or any other fantasy that we may have thought was achievable at a certain age. We grow up and accept what our own unique gifts are as well as our limitations. It is nice to strive for goals, to set a goal and then go after it. Some things in life are a natural fit and meant for us and others may be a dream or a fantasy.

When we mature, we accept that we came with a game plan unlike anyone else’s, our life is unique to us just as God created for us. It is not for someone else to put their plan, their agenda on us. Our surrender is to the highest and greater power in the Lord, our God.

The most wonderful thing about growing older is the sweet surrender than comes from accepting ourselves “as is” and letting go of ego. Giving way to God rather than ego, (Edging God Out) is the sweetest surrender, we no longer have to be better than them or better than that, we are good and good enough as we are, just as God created us to be.

Jesus Take The Wheel

(Lyrics by James/Lindsey/Sampson)

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

Cause I can’t do this on my own

I’m letting go

So give me one more chance

Save me from this road I’m on

Jesus take the wheel

There is a natural happiness that comes from accepting ourselves and in that sweet surrender. Where we are, where we are supposed to be, what is ahead is exactly as God intended for us. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

It is through the struggle that we find enlightenment. So many lessons are born of pain, but they are born to us. We are good and we are acceptable and we are perfect as only God created us to be.

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.” Abraham Lincoln

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt away into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change, the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.” Marianne Williamson

There is no beauty in the fight, fighting is never attractive, but there are gifts, blessings and true beauty in the surrender. Surrender is sweet, it is humble, it is without ego and false pride, our surrender allows us to be open and receptive and ready for us to receive God’s will. And God’s will is so much better than anything we could have imagined for ourselves.

“You cannot fulfill God’s purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans.” Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

There is nothing sweeter than our surrender …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Happiness is An Inside Job

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Happiness is An Inside Job

By Bernadette A. Moyer

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It has taken a long time for me to understand that happiness is an inside job. It was my husband who taught me this. Overall he is very content and can take or leave most things. Brian has an inner peace and strength about himself. He is always so supportive of me. For more than 15 years, when I was running huge social fundraisers he never missed a single event. He never hung onto me for his good time either. He would circulate and was okay with being in a crowd and with people or by himself.

Through the years people have told me, “you two look good together” but what they could never have known was our back story, our family history. We are very much alike and have a deep understanding on what it is like to move past the limitations of your first family. We also had the same track record in love. Brian and I both had a spouse who died and left us with children and another significant relationship end when they cheated on us and left us for someone else. We know what it is like to be hurt by love.

My husband Brian is one of 6 children, I am one of 5. Neither one of us is close to our siblings. He is the only one who moved away. He grew up in the inner city of Baltimore, in the “hood” the projects. They were really poor as kids. None of his siblings left there, not one of them owns a house or an automobile.  He pushed past his initial life circumstances. Brian got an education and continues to educate himself as he is still moving up the corporate ladder.

He is the most responsible of all his siblings. When his mother passed his father had him take over.  He isn’t the oldest but was appointed the guardian for his father’s care. Brian learned how to live without his siblings. In childhood family photos most often Brian is on one side of the picture alone in contrast to the other 5 who are grouped together. It appears to have started when he was just a toddler.

I am one of 5 girls and like my husband I have no relationship with my siblings. We weren’t exactly well off as kids either. They have not been in my life for almost 25 years now. And just like my husband they appear when they want to try and bring me down. They presume to know me but have not been in my life for decades. I don’t allow myself to get caught up in their cauldron of hatred.

My husband had and has an easier time accepted that his siblings are not a part of his life. I always wanted my situation to be different; I mourn for how I would have wanted it to be not for how it truly is and was with them. Like my husband’s family they don’t add anything positive to my life.

It took a long time for me to learn that my happiness was my responsibility. Mine alone. I have so many friends and even more acquaintances. Every job I ever held was in a highly social setting. Many people have lifted me up. And I have been called “inspirational” by more than a few people.

No matter how many people enhance our lives, we come into this world alone and we leave it alone.  Today I am probably more content and happier than I have ever been. It isn’t based on other people or on things but truly comes from self-love and self-acceptance. I know my strengths and I know my weaknesses.  I know who I am and I know my truth. I have an easier time discarding those relationships that are unhealthy and non- supportive.

Accepting that my happiness is my responsibility has allowed me to create an inner peace of love supported by my own strength. I don’t know why it took me so long to understand that everything I ever needed was already there inside of me. Better late than never … I suppose …

What I would say to anyone who is unhappy is you need to fix that. You alone have all the tools to be happy. It is there and it is inside of you.  People may try and bring you down and may try to hurt you but that is their unhappiness and not yours.

We are all responsible for the life choices we make and the way we live our life. If it isn’t right for you, then it just isn’t right. Change it. No one can make you happy, no one, but you.

Happiness is an inside job!

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

All books by Bernadette A. Moyer are available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Memorial Day beyond Hotdogs and Burgers …

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Memorial Day beyond Hotdogs and Burgers, Our Great Men and Women Who Serve

By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Today for most of us Memorial Day is the start of summer with the opening of community pools, picnics and outdoor gatherings. We celebrate it by grilling our hotdogs, hamburgers, chicken and barbecue on the grill. Many take advantage of the Memorial Day weekend sales at the mall, car dealerships, big box stores and grocery stores. For many American’s it is a three day weekend.  Beach communities see it as the beginning of the summer season.

Memorial Day started as a holiday to remember the Civil War. It was a time in our history when our country that was at war with itself. It has been said to have been the bloodiest and most deadly war on United States soil.

We have expanded our definition of Memorial Day to include all military service men and women. Many of us reflect and think about all those who served and returned home, those who were injured in service and those who lost their life defending our country.

My husband Brian and I both have fathers who served during the Korean War. His father John and my father Bernie never met but they both returned from service honored with a purple heart. My dad was injured and medicated for the rest of his life as a result of a head injury he received while in Korea.

As a teenager I wore a P.O.W. bracelet, Prisoner of War and it was during this time that the Vietnam War was going on. In my early twenties I married Randy Moyer who was a two-term Vietnam veteran. Randy was in the Navy and honorably discharged after 6 years of service with a purple heart. He was blown off a ship and as a result he became an epileptic. In order for him to be fully functioning he had to be medicated every single day of his life. There was never a night’s sleep where he wasn’t shaking in our bed. He suffered from post-traumatic syndrome.

I will never forget when I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter the seizure he endured while driving to work. He totaled our car and almost killed the driver in the oncoming lane.  His driver’s license was taken away and eventually he lost his job as an auto mechanic. He needed a license to work.  His neurologist said to me, me who was just one month away from delivering our first child, “I don’t want to tell you that your husband can’t hold your baby but I think you should know that if he had a seizure while holding her, he could kill her.”  It was my sister who came to get me in the middle of the night when I went into labor. My husband, a real macho kind of guy was not allowed to drive a vehicle.

When he died in 1983 he was just 37 years old and his autopsy read, “Drowning as a consequence of seizure.” He was taking a shower, preparing to go to work and had a seizure in the shower. After he died I was left as a single mother to raise our then 2-year old daughter.

Many benefits were afforded me as a surviving widow. The VA accepted 100% responsibility for his untimely death. I was given financial support and could have used my benefits to go to school and for medical care and even to purchase a home. I never accepted any of the benefits except for the financial support. All money received was used for the best private education money could buy for our daughter. I wanted it to be used for something that would live on long after his death. The only stipulation on this support was I could receive financial aid until the day that I died. I decided to accept support until our daughter was of legal age. I remarried and it ended. I was always so thankful that Randy’s service was honored by the very government that he gave his life to serve.

The flag pictured in this blog was given to me on February 25, 1983 after the 21-gun salute and his burial. I visit his gravesite at least once every single year. On Memorial Day I celebrate like everyone else with my share of hotdogs and hamburgers but I also remember my first husband Randall H. Moyer who gave up his life to service in the United States Navy during Vietnam. He served for his country that he loved.

Many of us have friends and family members who serve in our military; it is about service above self. Let’s all remember to remember them this Memorial Day and every day in between.

Happy Memorial Day! We remember …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Navigating Through My Estrangement

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Navigating Through My Estrangement

By Bernadette A. Moyer

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It used to be considered a “silent epidemic” when estrangement took place in the family. For the most part parents were just so hurt and humiliated that they often hid it or made excuses as to where their adult children ended up.

Today more and more parents have bonded together as a result of their adult children estranging from the family. Parents no longer feel the need to hide it and are actively seeking healing and coping skills and trying to come to peace and understanding.

Through the years I have written several articles about estrangement, the most popular ones are titled P.E.A.C. E. Parents of Estranged Adult Children Everywhere, Dear Parents of Estranged Adult Children and most recently Dear Estranged Adult Children. All can be found on my website at www.bernadetteamoyer.com and you may keep up with me on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer.

This article is about sharing the many stages that go with an estrangement from an adult child. There are numerous stages and many resemble the same stages that we experience with death and the grieving process. The greatest challenge for many parents is that unlike a death, the adult child has made the choice to estrange themselves.

Let me share my experiences the last 17 years and also what I have learned and witnessed from the hundreds and hundreds of others that have communicated with me.

Stage 1 – The Battle Begins – Shock

The estrangement begins and sometimes it is a declaration of “I hate you” and “I want nothing to do with you.” And statements like “Don’t ever contact me again.” Other times it is the silent treatment with no communication at all. Messages are left, letters are written and calls are made and they all go unanswered.

At this time most parents are shocked. They can’t believe that little “Johnny” could react this way toward them. The parents begin to question themselves, their children and all the years they shared together. The overriding question “How did this happen, how did we end up here?”

Most mothers will express their grief through tears. They are so hurt. There is no deeper cut for any mother than to have the child that you loved and raised decide to reject you. All she wants is her “baby” back. Mothers and fathers begin to look at one another almost a silent look of “What did YOU do?”  Although they are looking to place blame is not communicated as such and at least not initially.

Fathers often react differently. They feel the loss but almost immediately decide to go into “survival” mode. They will look at it from every angle and decide that, “If that is the way it is, it may well be a blessing.”  My own husband immediately wanted to close ranks. He accepted it for what it was and made my health and well-being his priority. I don’t know that I could have ever survived without him and his love. It also caused him to look more closely at his own children and their actions. Things he may have chosen not to see in the past he acknowledged that he could no longer deny.

Stage 2 – Uncovering Some Ugly Truths

Few parents want to believe that their children are “liars” or “sneaky” or “sloppy” or have manipulated them. Few parents are willing to see their children through less than loving eyes until they are absolutely faced with the harsh truths.

Mothers just want the kids back; they want their family restored at all costs. Men see the danger in opening the door back up to what has already been disclosed to them.

Stage 3 – Denial This Can’t Be Happening … Not to me!

My grief was intense when my child left home in 1998. I couldn’t imagine living my life without her. I had already suffered the loss of my first husband who died and family that I was estranged from as a result of sexual abuse. I couldn’t imagine losing my daughter too. But I did. I ended up in therapy twice a week and for the first time ever I began taking antidepressant medication. She had been my reason for living and without her I felt I had no true purpose in life. Wrong, wrong and wrong but that was how I thought.

Each anniversary and each holiday and all birthdays were storms of tears and anger. How could she? How could I have meant so little to her when she meant so much to me?

Stage 4 – A Different Kind of Life

Everything changed. I changed. We moved our holidays to travel destinations and started making new traditions. Slowly but surely I began the letting go process. Her things were given to her and anything that crept up years later was given away or donated. Pictures of her began to be removed from public displays and all her photos, cards, letters and any pertinent papers were filed. She was being removed from my life bit by bit.

I would be fine years 4 and 5 and then have a complete breakdown in year 6. In the beginning I lost a lot of weight and I felt so deflated. I beat myself up pretty badly. I still had hope, I still thought she would grow up and find her heart.

Stage 5 – Coming to Acceptance  

It is over! It really is over! After 10 years in I stopped crying and I came to acceptance. This was my new normal, I was living my life without her and she was living her life without me. My husband and twins filled my life along with a career that I loved. We had many friends and beach vacations. We had peace. Life was good again.

Stage 6 – Here We Go Again!

She was in legal trouble and would strike out at me again. We had already been estranged for 13 years. I couldn’t believe she could still carry such deep seated hatred in her heart. How can you hate someone, anyone so much when you haven’t even seen them or talked to them in well over a decade? This would also be my biggest eye opener. It was also when my heart changed for good.  Now I was done. The things that she did and the things that she said were such outrageous lies but what was most telling was the degree that she could and would go to and still want to hurt me. It changed everything for me. I could finally wholeheartedly let her go. We were strangers. The daughter that I knew and the daughter that I loved and adored was long gone. I always saw her through rose-colored glasses but not anymore.

Stage 7 – I Am Whole Again!

There is no scenario on the face of this earth where I would ever welcome her back into my heart and into my life. I gave her back to God. When I could finally do this I was free. My life was mine again. I was back to enjoying everything. It was like the dark clouds lifted and peace came over me. My mother had died and my family would show themselves yet again. I could finally conclude that I was better off without them. That I had a really nice life and it wasn’t going to include them. I am softer more loving and more open but I am also so much wiser. I trusted when I should have questioned. I walked away when I should have confronted.

Today I share what I learned and I do my best to try and comfort others who are going through estrangement. I share my story I share my path so others will know that 1) you aren’t alone and 2) you can and you will survive too!

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

You can share your story with me at bmoyer37@aol.com
NEW BOOKS! Along The Way and Another Way are available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble