The Estranged Dad

The Estranged Dad
By Bernadette A. Moyer

Dads hurt too! Barely a day goes by when I don’t hear from an estranged mother who is grieving over an adult child that decided to dismiss mom and dad from their life. Rarely but very rarely do I hear from the dad’s. But when I do the pain shared is no different than what the women have shared. Men seem to keep it in, are more cut and dry about it and seldom do they show their grief outwardly.

When I asked my own husband “what single thing in your life has hurt you the most?’” I was surprised by his response.

This is a man who grew up in “The Projects” and who became a widower at age 32 just after his wife delivered twins pre-maturely. He had a younger brother that he loved commit suicide; he is a man that held his mother’s hand as she died and has a father suffering from severe dementia. (Since this article was written his father has died)

His response; “our girls” and “It didn’t have to be this way.” He was talking about their estrangement. They chose to turn away from their family under the guise of “abuse.” Both times it was over a teen boyfriend that they were determined to have and neither one ended up with.

My husband was a huge support to my daughter. One year he wrote the entire check for her Catholic prep school tuition. During high school he drove her to school every day before going to work. He was invested in her success even though she was not his biological daughter. He attended every single father-daughter dinner throughout high school and he wasn’t just happy to do it but he was proud.

His twin daughter is his namesake that he took up for the entire time she lived at home. Always doing battle with anyone that came to tell him that she was failing, he didn’t want to hear it or believe it. Whether it was a teacher or an employer he only wanted to hear the best about his daughter.

Many times it would be her own twin brother reporting to dad about her latest scheme and how awful she made him feel. He dismissed his only son to support his daughter. To him, she walked on water. Until … right up until he could no longer look the other way. Until she would not only estrange but declare that she was “abandoned.” After all she needed to have a story to support her decisions to disrespect the house rules. And at the age of 18 she certainly had every right to live her life, her way. But we all know that when we live with our parents and in our parent’s house, it is by our parents rules.

Fathers take it differently from what mothers do and looking back I would be willing to bet that my husband stayed strong so that I could be the one that fell apart.

My son describes his twin and her departure as a “low blow” and a “sucker punch” to their father. I believe she acted in haste as many teens do and at the time truly did not comprehend the magnitude of the decisions that she was making. Friends will come and friends will go, but family is forever, or it is supposed to be. He was also the one that didn’t want us to go after. He stated, “She will just do it again” and “I know her better than anyone” and “we are better off without her.”

This is not what any parent wants to hear. We raised our twins to have their own interests and seldom did their interests intersect. He was an Eagle Scout involved in the theater and drama; she played the flute, went to band camps and played soccer. Although we always hoped they would be close and we tried to instill in them the importance of looking out for one another. We thought it was a blessing that they had each other. Little did we know that our desire to keep them together and close was often at our son’s expense and well-being.

My husband isn’t the kind of guy that has regrets. He lives and he learns and he has accepted that the daughter he loved and adored didn’t or doesn’t hold him in the same esteem. His immediate response when she left wasn’t one of hurt or of anger, his response was “I am so disappointed.”

We find it amusing that you can raise kids in the same home, at the same time with the same parents and schools and everything and how one child can be so appreciative and happy and constantly reflects on all the good things he had in his childhood. He states; “I had a great childhood” and another child who was probably given even more states that they weren’t happy and estrange.

From all the parents I have talked with over the 16 years since estrangement entered my life I hear many common threads. Parents that feel betrayed by their children. And their kids lied to them and lied about them. Kids that grow up and decide to estrange from their parents while making the choice to play the victim rather than to succeed in life.

The parents in my support group are the ones that are just like my husband. They are really great dads who gave it their all and never dreamt that all the efforts he put forth would be minimalized and unappreciated. My husband is a strong man, a Christian that prays every single day for the daughter that he thought he raised.

We have great memories of all our kids and all the years that we were raising them. We are so happy that we survived those years with our marriage intact and even stronger. It easily could have gone another way.

Like all the moms and dads who have done the work and raised their children; we want for our children what we have always wanted for them. We want them to be happy, to have peace and good health and a good long life filled with as much love as possible.

Thinking of every dad out there on this Father’s Day and every single day …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another way available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Losing Weight Feeling Great

Losing Weight Feeling Great (part 1)
By Bernadette A. Sahm

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Getting Started

Like everything it starts with an idea or a spark of interest. My husband and I are members of our local Y and just before Thanksgiving they were posting notices for the annual Turkey Trot fundraiser. I thought why not? It is something that our family could do together and it would help raise money for children and youth programs at the Y. It was just a 5k and that translates to a 3 mile walk or run.

I have never done anything like this before but my husband and our son were just as eager to join in the efforts to raise money and do something healthy for ourselves. All I wanted was to finish and to do so in under an hour and I did. We also met our fundraising goals with the help of a handful of friends. It was a great way to start the day on Thanksgiving.

Then for Christmas I purchased an activity tracker for both my husband and myself. I was unsure if he could like it or go along but he loved it and we started some friendly competition. Many conversations that started with “did you make your goal?” or “how many steps did you take today?” We were having fun and started to take walks together. We supported each other in achieving our goals.

At this same time we were both going to the Y and he was walking/running on the treadmill while I swam. Together we would enjoy the sauna and it became our routine.

During Lent we gave up meat and Brian lost 5-6 pounds and our son started losing weigh too. I was taking off a pound or two but nothing substantial.

The First 10

My tracker goals were not much in the beginning like around 7,500 steps a day and most days I made the goal. On lazy days I was short. Every time we went to the gym my husband would invite me to come and work out on the treadmill and I always declined until one day I said okay I will try it. He was doing about 30 minutes then. When I joined him I started a brisk walk for 40 minutes each day eventually going to an hour. With me by his side he extended his time too. We were good company and good encouragement and together exceeded our individual goals.

After 3 solid weeks of going every single day, brisk walking on the treadmill for an hour and consuming fewer calories I lost 10 pounds. I was thrilled and liked how my clothing were starting to fit me.

At age 56 I am really working hard at working out and loving it! Up until now I was that person who swam a little, walked a little and rode my bike a little. Nothing all that strenuous.

Today

I started trying on my smaller sized clothes that were a little snug and really liked how I feel in them. When I am pushing myself on the treadmill I remind myself of how much better I look taking off the weight. My tracker goal is now over 11,000 steps a day. This week I had several days that I came in with over 14,000 steps a day and one day when I had over 18,000 steps in a day. I am walking between 5 and 7 miles a day and more than half of it is a fast walk.

Overall I feel great except for all the blisters all over my feet in various places. I have been going through the Band Aids and different sneakers!

With the blood circulating more and more, my skin is glowing without any make-up. I sleep better too. Dietary changes are less food intake, much more water and zero calorie beverages. Except on the weekends when I enjoy some wine. I don’t feel like I am missing out on anything. Nothing like the treadmill to make you acutely aware of how long it takes to burn off that donut or piece of chocolate cake you were certain that you had to have …

The Next Part

In August we celebrate our wedding anniversary and then September is Brian’s birthday and October is mine, I want to take off another 15 pounds. I am determined. I go to the gym once and day and yesterday went twice once alone and in the evening with my husband.

I’m enjoying my workouts and my only weak link is my right foot but I am hobbling through the pain in hopes that this will pass. If not next month I will be seeing a foot doctor. I have tried three different pair of walking and running shoes and don’t think I have found the perfect pair yet. I am having fun though with my workout wear and the high that comes from a really good sweat.

Losing weight the old fashioned way with diet and exercise, I just want to look and feel better and so far I do.

Part 2 when I hit another goal … stay tuned …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

A Liar, a Manipulator or a True Victim

A Liar, a Manipulator or a True Victim
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Sometimes it is really hard to tell whether someone is a liar, a manipulator or a true victim. Today the “victim” receives many forms of attention and sometimes even a pass on their bad behaviors. Our society hates to witness any real form of victimization. But what about the liar and the manipulator that has learned to use victimization to their advantage?

A few years ago I interviewed a survivor of sexual abuse. It was her father that abused her and he admitted it was punished and went on with counseling. It cost him his marriage and initially his relationships with his children. Later they did rebuild those parent-adult child relationships.

One of the comments that struck me the most came from the adult survivor, she said, “we are really good liars.” She was referring to abuse victims. I was puzzled until she explained it. She said, “Just going on and about our everyday lives and acting normally is a lie.” She went on to say that until she could own it and do the work she was in cover up mode and living a lie. I was stunned by her honesty and that she has gone on and talked about her story and in doing so has managed to help many other abuse survivors.

For many survivors they can’t deal honestly with all the fallout and trauma associated with sexual abuse. Many cover it up and many lie about it. Some never share their stories and some others learn to use their victimization to manipulate.

What struck me about the woman that I interviewed was the depth of love and support within the family that attributed to her health and wellness. The family not only believed her and supported her but also sought professional help in learning how to appropriately deal with her father, the abuser too.

They say, “You can’t rewrite history” but it seems in some families where sexual abuse has occurred they have tried to do just that. Why lie, manipulate and cover up sexual abuse? Because for many victims it is easier than head on dealing with it, however, sadly this inhibits their growth and their ability to heal and become whole. It doesn’t just go away.

Often a child victim of abuse will receive a big reaction and a tremendous amount of support. Kids are smart and many learn that they can manipulate others as a result of their story. They learn that for them there is value in remaining a victim. Some never move beyond their victimization as a result. Others will self-medicate through drugs and alcohol. Some will use sexual activity as a way of dealing with abuse.

Many prostitutes have been sexually abused and those that sexually abuse were often victims of sexual abuse themselves. These are really good reasons to seek out professional help and they are also so often just why many never own their trauma.

A child who has been victimized by sexual abuse is never at fault, not ever. These kids need to be believed and supported. The support and love that they receive after the victimization can and will make all the difference in their healing, their growth and their development.

Sadly without proper care and treatment many kids grow up and become skilled liars, manipulators and stay stuck in their underdeveloped childlike mindset. We need to support them in their health and wellness and give them an equally big reaction for seeking treatment.

Years ago a dear friend confided in me that she was a rape survivor. Her case went through the court system and the rapist was convicted. What shocked me the most? At the time that she confided in me we were friends for more than 10 years. She never once came across as a victim.

I truly believe that because she dealt with her trauma in an honest and forthright manner, had therapy and much love and support from her husband, her siblings and her adult children that she was able to move past her trauma to wellness.

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

When you study victims the one thing that comes across is that the ones that truly were victimized seldom enjoy talking about it unless or until they are on a mission to use their experiences to help others.

Joyce Meyer is a strong survivor of sexual abuse and she has taken her abuse and turned it around for the greater good. She talks about the liar, the manipulator and victim roles played throughout her own recovery.

Don’t wait for “when” –

“The greatest part of our happiness depends on our disposition not our circumstances.” Martha Washington

Bernadette A. Moyer on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New books! Along The Way and Another Way by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Estranged … Now what?

Estranged … Now what?
By Bernadette A Moyer

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Knowing what I know now and after my own experience and hearing from thousands of mothers and fathers who are estranged from their adult children, I would do things differently!

I should not have wasted my time, my heart and my tears over someone who was already so far gone from me. Today I would say that yes you will be hurt and yes you might be shocked but what you really need to do is get over it and get over it as quickly as possible.

It is okay to love the child that you had and to reflect fondly on them but it is also necessary to let them go in peace and in love. When it is over, it is over. Some situations will allow for a reboot and another chance, some never will.

Today I believe that adult kids that estrange enjoy the satisfaction they receive in knowing how much they hurt their parents and their families. It is all about control. It is all about being selfish and all about them. It is the choice that they alone have made.

And the stories they will tell is that they were the victims. Think about it? A nice son or a nice daughter wouldn’t cut mom and dad out of their life. They will need to justify their actions and that means making mom and dad out to be the bad guys. And the more they can paint themselves as a victim, the more they can manipulate others and command support for their cause and position.

Don’t play along and don’t play their games. Find things to do that will occupy your time and utilize your talents. Go to a therapist or go to the gym but keep moving. Life is all about forward movement. You can think, hope and pray that they return, but whatever you do, do not compromise the quality of your own life in the process. Remember if they do return you will have grown and changed and taken better care of yourself. And if they never return you will be healthier, stronger and better able to manage and enjoy your life.

Because if you compromise your life away you will eventually regret it and you won’t get those lost years back. Our response should be one that says I hold myself up in the highest. I will not allow you or any other to destroy me or my joy. My life with you or without you, matters. I am important and I deserve to be happy.

Back then so much of my life wasn’t even mine. Maybe that was a huge part of the problem? I had given so much of myself away in being a wife and a mother, a career woman and a friend. The last person who received my time and attention was me.

Learn to retreat in healthy ways. It is okay to be alone with yourself. It is okay to grieve and to process. It is okay to feel the loss and the pain. But don’t stay there and don’t get stuck there. Being a victim is never attractive no matter how it comes about. Fight for yourself. You are worth the very best!

There will always be up and down days. Some days you will have stronger and better coping skills. Some days will be tough. It takes time. It takes time to acknowledge this, to accept this and then to learn how to live with it. In our disbelief and in our shock we tend to want to fight it. Very little is resolved in hanging on to that which has already left us.

Where it may seem so unnatural and so unkind, remember it is happening in record numbers and in families around the world. You are not alone. This month marks 18 years since the trauma of estrangement entered my life like an uninvited guest. I have been through all the stages from denial, anger, hurts and trying everything and anything and to finally arriving at pure total acceptance. My life is so great right now and I don’t think I could be happier or be surrounded by more love. I am so lucky to have survived it.

I thank everyone that reached out to me and shared their stories and supported me through all my writings. I would not have made it through without the love and support of so many people.

My best advice is to try and build an even better life. All those things that you wanted to do but never took the time to do; make the time and do them. Life goes on. Life is lived by looking forward and not from behind. You are worth so much more than to have the child or children that you gave your life for and invested so heavily in, discard you.

Remember it isn’t about you. It is all about them and their choices …

In God’s peace and love … Bernadette

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A Moyer available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

The Car Ride

The Car Ride
By Bernadette A Moyer

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The car ride our last best place to be alone
Together we share space to explore and to roam
No lines no wait and no airport fuss
Just gas and go and there is no rush

We ride, we stop, and we eat here or there
We sing, we talk, we sit and we stare
In silence we think then engaged we share
Together we go here together we go there

We get up and we drive just about every where
The car ride our last best place to be alone
The car ride anonymously we move from here to there
Miles marked miles and miles driven sights to see nothing is hidden

So often it is just you and me
Alone and together out there we can explore and roam
Then we turn back around and head for our home
The car ride our last best place to be alone

What We Leave Behind

What We Leave Behind
By Bernadette A Moyer

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There is nothing that I have ever had and lost or grieved over that I would welcome back in my life. Isn’t that funny? We cry so hard. We want another outcome. But once we have the time to process it becomes so clear that what we thought we wanted and what we thought we needed was never intended to stay in our lives. It could be a relationship it could be a job, it could be almost anything that was once so valued and later becomes just what we leave behind.

Many years ago I was involved with a guy and I will never forget his own father saying to me, “What is a girl like you who is so on the ball doing with a guy like him?” At the time I couldn’t see it but it turns out that he was right. That guy was never really intended for me.

Recently I was talking with a really good friend. He shared with me the first relationship that ever broke his heart. He talks about how much he wanted it to work out. Not that long ago he looked her up she had more than 50 court cases where she was the defendant. She is a drug addict and eventually pled guilty to prostitution. Now all he can think is thank God that didn’t work out. Or maybe it did work out exactly as it was meant to be, she was never intended to be a lifelong friend and partner. Her time in his story was short and it was over. It was what he left behind.

Today I look back on so many things that changed and things that I once grieved over and not one of them would I want back in my life. The following is one of my favorite quotes;

“There are people who can walk away from you … let them walk. I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. Your destiny is never tied to anyone that left. And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person, it just means that their part in your story is over. And you have to know when people’s part in your story is over.” T.D. Jakes

It is so freeing to just accept that we will leave people, we will leave places and we will leave positions behind. Nothing is meant to last forever. We learn from all that we leave behind. If something or someone was meant to be in our lives, they would be in our lives, period.

There is so much to love and so much to do and experience in our lifetime. When one door closes, truly another one opens.

“None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an afterthought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you’re carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There’s no time for anything else.” Richard Gere

Here is to living the good life and to appreciating all that we have all that is yet to be and knowing that it is perfectly okay to leave somethings and some people behind …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Three Stories of Three Unattractive People

Three Stories of Three Unattractive People
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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The ugly side of humanity that I witnessed this past week, it has stayed with me so like any good writer I must write it out to share them and to purge these stories. Here they are …

The first story …

My husband and I were headed out to Walmart to pick up some pool chemicals. We parked by the garden shop and were just a short distance from the entrance when we heard what appeared to be an argument. It seemed like two men were fighting. My husband started ushering me to his left side and then I heard the sounds of crashing merchandise to the ground and security detaining two guys. They wrestled the shirt off one guy and there on the ground went about 10 to 12 video games that he had stuffed into his pants. ”Get off me man, get off me man” he screamed.

Security escorted him into an office and we watched a cashier ring up all the game totals to get the price of the robbed goods. Later the police arrived. By the time we left there were five police cars there. Another lady who showed up after the fact and after seeing all the cop cars said, “This isn’t Dunkin Donuts!” Normally I ignore people like her but I felt compelled to answer, “No this was a robbery.”

I have a vision of that guy who stole video games from Walmart and all I could think was “Was it worth it?” Now you are a criminal” And for what?

The second story …

Last weekend was spent in Williamsburg Virginia and for the most part the people were so nice. Small chatty conversations, holding doors open and just southern charm was our experience. After a nice breakfast on a Saturday with temperatures that rose to over 80 degrees we headed out on Colonial Parkway driving from Williamsburg to Yorktown. We had the convertible car and were driving top down really appreciating the nice weather after days and weeks of rainstorms.

When we arrived in Yorktown they were having a street festival and had blocked off parts of the road. The covered parking area was closed off from the access that we drove in on and normally we would make a left turn but it was closed. We drove a short distance and happened upon another parking lot. It appeared almost full when we noticed a car getting ready to leave and we were next in line and pulled directly forward. I was driving.

As I was getting ready to put the top an orange Mustang came in reverse from about three cars up. When I first saw him I thought he was waiting for a car up ahead. As he reversed to get closer to our car he screamed “asshole” at me? I was stunned!

When you drive past a parking spot, in my view you gave up your rights to it? Clearly after his barrage of words he had an issue. His ilk stayed with me, I thought, you have a woman and a small child in the car with you and you talk like that? Not very attractive behaviors and all this over a parking spot?

The third story …

This one hits us little closer to home and it makes my mother’s blood boil. It started out to be a beautiful and a happy day. It was sunny and cool and a pleasant May Monday. Our son has many achievements but getting his driver’s license has eluded him. He tried and he tried and he just was not successful until yesterday. It was one aspect of the driving he couldn’t seem to get and in his defense the Jeep he has been driving it one of the largest vehicles I personally have ever driven. But he got it! Finally he had success.

A few hours later he interviewed for a new job and was immediately hired. More success and God knows he needed it. He is a really good person with a big heart, an artist with an artist’s sensibilities. He has had his share of struggles.

About a week ago he started dating a girl that he liked. Last night after the gym they went to see a movie together. Here is where the ugly comes in; sometime during the movie she excuses herself. When she doesn’t return he goes for his phone that was placed in the cup holder. It is missing. He goes to the front desk to report that he lost it.

It is not in his nature to think negatively of anyone let alone this girl. Again he liked her. What he doesn’t know is that she has been using his phone and texting from it to both me his mother and his father. Her text messages that appear to be coming from him since they are from his phone are not only disrespectful but antagonistic. They are weird not like him and later become sexual in nature. I am stunned and his father is furious. How could he speak to us like this? How could he treat us like this?

Well he was just as stunned when he returned home and read them himself. I don’t think he likes this girl now and I know he feels sad and badly that he trusted her.

Just another story of the unattractive people that live side-by-side in our society, normally I choose to ignore them but today I had to write it out and to share them. So what do you do when you witness firsthand the ugly behaviors of people in society?

We see a robbery we see rudeness and we witness dishonesty and deceitfulness in people, it can tear our heart apart or we can look and we can learn. We learn what we don’t want in our life we learn to appreciate all that is good in life.

Sadly there will always be ugliness in people, the unattractive ones, we can allow it to affect us or we can move closer to the good people, the ones who are naturally attractive because of their goodness. I am thankful that I know better, I know the difference between what is right and wrong, I know what good looks like just like I know what is most unattractive.

“Don’t let the behaviors of others destroy your inner peace.” Dalai Lama

Hang on to the good people in your life … there is some real ugly in this world … the darker side of humanity all I can think is that is it really worth it?

Stealing video games, cursing at people you don’t know in front of your own family and stealing a phone from a guy while on a date? And how do you live with yourself when you make such poor choices? How do you look into the mirror?

God Bless us all …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
Books by Bernadette A Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Adjust and Adapt

Adjust and Adapt
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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We must learn to adjust and to adapt as life is ever changing. To stay stuck in yesterday’s news is like living from behind. Most people hate change. It is like it throws their equilibrium out of tune. I have always embraced change. I love new things and I love to learn. We are all evolving.

History is great but that is exactly what it is, history, the past. Every aspect in our lives depends on how we adjust and adapt to change. Life changes when we leave home, when we get married, take on a new career job, purchase a home and have children. It changes when we embrace new relationships and when we let go of old ones.

We adjust to that new baby or new work place environment. We have to figure it out and to learn again. Many people will suffer a sort of “norms crisis” with their new environment. That new baby cries and disrupts our previous peaceful past. We work with new people that we instantly gel with and others that we may barely tolerate. But we learn from all of them.

I’ve always been the “change charger” in our family and my husband the “slow and steady one.” Together we make a great couple as a result. A guy that has worked for the same organization for 34 years and lived in the same house for 24 years is not a guy who easily embraces change.

When our kids started leaving home, I had the hardest time. The number one job that meant the most to me was in being a mother. I soon learned to take my career and my writing more seriously. These things are what makes me, me. Being a mother was only a part of me not my total being.

Adjusting and adapting to letting my kids go wasn’t easy but now that I have I love my freedom. Less responsibility after decades of being responsible for so many others feels great. Life is easier with less people to please.

I never thought I would be so happy with less people in our home and I am. I think you get to an age where all you really crave is peace. It is so easy to fill our lives up with everyone else’s drama and issues but often at what cost? Perhaps the cost is in denying ourselves and our own needs and wants.

My husband is newly retired and I don’t think I have seen him smile so much! At the end of his career he had reached the highest level that he had wanted for himself, as a General Superintendent. At that level the demands were great and time was a commodity that he often didn’t have. You could physically see what that job was taking out of him. Meetings and meeting and always on24 hour call back for the past 6-years, every waking moment checking his communication devices. He was needed and worked hard to fill the needs.

But the truth is that if we drop dead today, life goes on, not one of us is irreplaceable. So he gave it is all then one day he declared, “I am done, I am not going back. It hasn’t been fun for a long time.” Today we have raised our kids and worked our careers. With two pensions between us, no mortgage and adult children we are free from decades of responsibilities and it feels so new and so good too.

Together we are adjusting to living with less by choice and in spending our time together and doing the things that we love to do. What a blessing! Who knew that during all those grinding it out years that this day would arrive and we would still be young enough to enjoy it.

What is next in retirement? Sleep, sun and some fun! It is time for travel and some classes at our local college, things like Chinese cooking, meditation and ball room dance. All those year we grabbed at responsibility and embraced it and yet today for the first time we are both being very selective about what and who we want to be responsible for, having kids, a home, a career is all about being responsible. We have been there and done that.

We are embracing our future and looking forward to making all the necessary adjustments and adapting to the newness of what comes next.

Adjusting and adapting, that is both the beauty and the secret of life. Adjust and adapt … it makes everything and all of life’s many changes just so much easier.

Updated May of 2016
Once again more adjusting and adapting as my husband has accepted a new position with local government. So it is bye bye early retirement and hello to new challenges … here we go again as life is good and all about learning and growing and doing …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Five Fingers Five Toes

Five Fingers Five Toes
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Parents want their children to be healthy and happy. The first thing a parent does is count the fingers and the toes of their children. They want to know that they are healthy and that they were born as perfect as possible. But the truth is every single child born is as perfect as possible. They are all gifts from God.

I don’t know of any parent that doesn’t want a healthy and happy child and to see that child grow to become a healthy and happy adult. Yet not every single person will be healthy or happy hard as we try and as much as we hope and pray.

My husband and I have raised three children and one child is a gifted and talented artist. He has also taught us how to raise an upside down child in a right side up world. He is different. He struggles socially and he struggles with the “norms” placed on many young adults. We could continue to fight him and push him or we could let go in love and accept him as he is … I just finished reading Love That Boy.

Love That Boy was written by Ron Fournier and is about a father that had to learn about love and parental expectations. Parents often have a vision of how a child should act and how they should behave and how they should look. Many parents put their expectations upon that child and sometimes that child is unwilling or unable to meet those expectations. The child in Love That Boy is a child on the autism spectrum. His father was often concerned about his son embarrassing himself or his dad.

Let’s face it every single well baby visit measures by “norms” on size and weight and developmental skills. There are charts on where a child should be to be considered “normal” we do measure our babies and our children.

Our kids go to school and they learn math and English and all kinds of text book learning but they also learn social skills and they too measure on what is “normal” and what is “different” or problematic. The parent’s job is to give their children what they need and not necessarily what they want. Sometimes knowing what a child needs is difficult to discern. We never really know what goes on in another person’s mind.

The single greatest challenge is to love that child regardless what they say and what they do, we learn to separate the words and the actions from the person. Real love transcends it all. There are always gifts and talents if we are willing to look for them and to appreciate them. Each child born is a gift from God.

Our son acknowledges his difficulty with social skills and yet I personally don’t notice them, we have an easy and loving relationship. I’ve had to learn to stop measuring my children, they are who they are and they are what they are and very little or any of it has to do with me. They are their own unique and individual person.

Where five fingers and five toes are important, what is most important is what is in someone’s heart. Our son has a huge heart and a conscience and always tries to right his wrongs and learn from his mistakes. What else could any parent hope for?

Today is Mother’s Day and this mother is both proud and pleased, we celebrated our relationship yesterday with breakfast out and a movie, we had fun and he planned it all! So although he struggles with several developmental markers, in my book he is still learning and growing and trying and therefore doing just fine …

We may not get the child we think that we want but we definitely get the child that God alone intended for us. And that is good and good enough …

Happy Mother’s Day! Celebrate what you have and what you had and what you learned well beyond five fingers and five toes!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
All books by Bernadette A Moyer on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

At Peace

At Peace
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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“Do I need to be right or do I need peace?” Oprah

What does it take to arrive at peace and then to maintain that peace? Life changes, people change and we change.

Today as I write this I am totally at peace and yet there have been numerous times in my life when I was not living in a peace-filled state. So what has changed? I did.

I know when I am right and that is good enough for me. I don’t need someone else to bless my truth or to fight my truth; it’s enough for me to know it. And like most people I know when I am not right too. Experience is always the greatest teacher.

I no longer get sucked into other people’s drama and their story. Older and wiser, it probably is some of that but also life experience. Knowing who we are and standing in our own truth allows the insults and judgements of others to just roll off. People will love you and hold you in high regard and others will find fault, if we allow others to judge us we will live in a constant state of shift, swing and change. It can be painful to have someone that we love or loved judge us harshly, but most often when we take that healthy step back, it becomes clear that it isn’t about us.

The people that need to make another look badly do so to try and elevate themselves. This is a sad truth. Love yourself today! Taking care of yourself helps you to feel as good can and maintain inner peace, regardless of what may be going on externally.

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Protect yourself and protect your peace. Not every situation is one that we should engage. Sometimes knowing where to side-step a situation will in the end help us to maintain our peace. There will be conflict, there will be noise; there will be situations that test our peace. But we have a choice and our choice is what we do for ourselves and what we do to remain; at peace.

Peace be with you …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Along The Way and Another Way by Bernadette A. Moyer available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble