life

One Different Decision

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One Different Decision
By Bernadette A. Moyer

Decision-Making

When I think about all the decisions we make in a day in a year and in a lifetime my head just wants to spin right off my shoulders! So many decisions and so many choices and some will be good ones and others maybe not so much.

There are studies out there that say an average person has remotely conscious decisions in a day that equals about 35,000 whereas a young person makes about 3,000, clearly we are making many decisions each and every single day.

My husband likes to sleep in late and I am an early riser, I could get so much accomplished by 10:00 and by 3:00 in the afternoon I have generally accomplished what it takes most people a few days to do.

Last week we were supposed to spend a day together at our favorite beach location and do some Christmas shopping when I was up and running and hubs was snug in bed with our two furry friends. I said, “That’s okay why don’t you just get your rest I will just go alone” and he agreed. Later he confessed he really wanted to go, the problem was I didn’t feel like waiting, rousing him and then putting up with his well … early morning personality!

It was a lovely and peace-filled day where I was able to move about at my leisure. I went to the beach and I shopped and I had lunch and I was all alone but it felt great. I arrived home refreshed and ready to go again. It turned out to be a good decision.

During this trip and my alone time I also thought about life and how one different decision could have easily put us in a different place. We make decisions about education and about career choices and our decisions about marriage and divorce and to have children or not and where to live are all huge decisions.

A different town and different friends affords us a different life, the decision to have one child or many children all create another lifestyle and reality for us. Some decisions are huge and others are as simple as what to eat for dinner or to have that second cup of coffee.

Each one of us is faced with numerous decisions in a day, a week, a month and a lifetime. Some decisions will bring us joy and others may bring us grief but having free will allows us to have the capacity to choose how we live our lives by the decisions that we make.

“When someone makes a decision, he is really diving into a strong current that will carry him to places he had never dreamed of when he first made the decision.” Paul Coelho, The Alchemist

Regardless of what decisions we have made in our past and if we want to live our lives in a better way and in a healthier way and in a peace-filled way we are just one different decision away from achieving those goals … so here is to better and happier decision making and making our most loving best decisions ever …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

All books by Bernadette A. Moyer are available at Amazon and Barnes and Noble

We Are Getting Older

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We Are Getting Older
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Yep! It is a fact of life we are all getting older. I first noticed this “age thing” when I looked at new drivers and was like “so they let 12-year olds drive now?” They just looked so young to me.

Then I noticed it with my lines in my face, tougher skin and less smooth hair. I was showing signs of aging.

You know all that crap about your parents how they looked, how they aged and acted and now it’s our turn, ugh!  I find I have more patience but less tolerance, if that makes any sense? I know what I want and I am willing to wait for it and I know what I won’t tolerate and will just as quickly dismiss it.

My new “decision basing lens” now goes like this, “I am going to die one day and so I am doing it, or getting it or going there.” If I want it I go after it, I am getting older. People have died my age. My parents died age 76 and age 78 so it looks like 77 could be my number?

Regardless I learned a long time ago, “life is for the living, live it!” One day I will be gone from here and a memory to some and nonexistent to others. So all this self-induced and self-created drama I am not playing. I wasn’t into it when I was younger and I sure as hell won’t be tolerating it now … I’m getting older!

I still have my little girl laugh though and I still have my faith, aging has not touched these areas of my life.

Because I am getting older, I turn more things off and more people are tuned out. If the news is all bad, I don’t allow it to sap my natural high and energy and just like people that bring zero-net gain to the table. Sorry, life is short and my choice is to be with people that make me think and make me dream and make me want to get closer to them.

I still have that natural curiosity; I want to know everything about the people I care about. I think I might have become my grandmother on this one, she would sit you down across from her and usually her opening line was about “your people” and “where did they come from?’ Oh no I used to find that invasive and now I am getting older and aging and I do it?

Where I may have an open heart like a child I have the wisdom that comes with aging … I know who I am and I know what I like, what I am willing to accept and what exactly needs to be discarded.

Earlier today I heard from a reader who read one of my most popular blogs, I didn’t write it for the sake of popularity I wrote it because it was my experience and it was what I learned. I wrote about my faith and this guy tried to challenge it.

The younger Bernadette would have “walked right in” to that argument, discussion and debate, but the older Bernadette was like “who cares?” You have your opinion and I have mine. It isn’t my job or my desire to recruit you to my thinking and/or to try and change your mind.

I suspect someone pointed out my blog to him and he felt “guilt” his words not mine. Lately I write many political blogs for a particular site and I get pretty beaten up there, years ago it would have bothered me, today I am like; well I am getting read and generating a response, good enough. You see I am getting older, we are all getting older!

I no longer care who agrees with me, the far worse outcome would be 1) not being read at all and 2) no feedback or comments. I mean even a negative comment is better than no response at all, I got him to feel something, as I age that is good and good enough.

Selfies, we are living in a time when taking “selfies” is the norm, I am just as guilty as the next but the truth is that it isn’t that I think I am good looking, it is because I am changing, I am getting older and it shows. Lines on my face, eyes that aren’t as open, face that seems to be puffier and I could go on and on … I am getting older … we are all getting older … those photos document now before later arrives. And “aging” arrives all too soon, I ‘ve learned …

“Oh mirror in the sky, what is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?” from “Landslide” by Stevie Knicks

I still want to be wowed though, I still want to get excited, do new things, and see new people and new places, so maybe I am really not that “old” after all?

What I know for sure is that I am going to die one day and right here and right now … I want to live and I want to learn and I’ll take this “aging thing” over the alternative …

We are all getting older, maybe not such a bad thing after all …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
New books! Along The Way and Another Way on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Life and Death

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Life and Death
By Bernadette A. Moyer

Well it’s not life and death, is it? That was my line which used to be my litmus test in every serious situation and most often it wasn’t life and death. So that was the first screen used to diffuse the situation.

Is it “life and death?”

Over the summer a longtime friend from my real estate days when we became Realtors and real estate partners in the mid-1980’s learned that she has breast cancer. Her decisions now are based on “life and death” as her first series of radiation and chemo did not rid her of the cancer. Now she is facing a double mastectomy.

The last time I saw her was at our beach property as she was going out on the dock and onto her family boat with her husband and adult children, their spouses and children. She was so happy. She told me about her new business that she owned and was operating. Every single year we receive their family Christmas cards complete with the entire family photo.

She was living the dream! Then one day she was literally stopped in her tracks now making life and death decisions. She is humbled, asking for help and for support and facing a serious next leg of her life journey.

A few days ago our Governor here is Maryland made statements stating that during all his chemo treatments for his cancer, how he was inspired and repeatedly listened to Tim McGraw’s song; Live Like You Were Dying.

“When that moment came that stopped me on a dime, And I spent most of the next days, Looking at the x-rays, And talking ‘bout the options, talking ‘bout sweet time” (Live Like You Were Dying, Tim Nichols and Craig Wiseman)

I think most people, myself included, live like we have an endless amount of days ahead of us and yet we all have a limited time here. Unless of course death and an illness or other tragedy hit us and then we think about our “life and death” decisions.

Death is the ultimate teacher, the one that forces us to look at our own mortality. It is a chance to find our hearts and connect our souls … again.

“And I loved deeper and I spoke sweeter. And I gave forgiveness I’d been denying. And he said one day I hope you get a chance to live like you were dying.” (Live Like You Were Dying)

Imagine if we all lived like we were dying and like it was our last days? How would we spend them? What have we put off that is important to us and yet we haven’t taken the time?

Who should we be more loving toward and who needs our forgiveness? I write about it often, my own mantra, “Life is for the living, live it!”

Please pray for my friend Lenore and all those facing life and death decisions …

NEW BOOKS! Along The Way and Another Way both on Amazon and Barnes and Noble
Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.Facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
http://www.bernadetteamoyer.wordpress.com

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Homelessness and Poverty by Chance or by Choice

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Homelessness and Poverty by Chance or by Choice
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Our news is flooded right now by the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy, many people have literally lost everything in losing all their worldly possessions and many have lost their homes. Surely they didn’t choose to have a natural disaster take their home and virtually render them homeless.

But what about a culture of people that exists in just about every inner city and is homeless? We learn that so much of the inner city homelessness can be traced back to alcohol and drug addictions and abuses and some of it stems from some form or combined forms of mental illness.

We have people in our cities that are living on the streets and they have no money, no food, no clothing and no shelter. Is it by their own doing or undoing? Or is it an inability to properly function due to a disease that may very well be beyond their control?

The very first time I witnessed homelessness I was in the sixth grade, only eleven or twelve years old when we went to see a show in New York City. A man was lying on the sidewalk with just one shoe and he appeared to be sleeping with people just walked right over him as though he wasn’t there and didn’t exist. I was from a small town in Pennsylvania and grew up on a farm; my eyes were wide by what I witnessed. Not only was he sleeping on the busy sidewalk but no one stopped, no one cared and no one seemed willing to help him. It left a lasting impression.

Most of us can’t imagine not having a home and we can’t imagine living in poverty and on the street without our basic needs being met. We think that it is as simple as a choice. We have always given to Paul’s Place, The Franciscan Center and Our Daily Bread, all located in Baltimore City that support homeless people with food, clothing and other services. Just one of this Center’s is supporting 500 people a day for a free hot meal. For some people this will be the only meal for the day. I was stunned to learn just how many individuals, men, women and children who are dependent on others to meet their basic human needs and require basic human services.

There was a time when I believed that to be truly homeless, a person must have burnt every single relationship from family to friends and beyond. But the reality for many is that it is a culture and a learned behavior that often passes from generation to generation. Getting up and getting out of poverty takes incredible strength, determination and courage and a support system of caring individuals. It takes courage to face a new and foreign way of life, one where they are willing and able to accept responsibility for themselves. This can be scary for some who never witnessed this modeled behavior.

What about the people who are struggling with a disability, a health issue and may never be in a position to work and afford to care for them and contribute to their family. Then there are the “working poor” people that have jobs yet it still does not translate into self-sufficiency.

The people that lost their homes to hurricane Sandy and to other natural disasters never anticipated that they could wake up one day and literally find themselves homeless. What would we do if a natural disaster destroyed our home, where would we go and who would help us out?

I have always viewed our country, the United States of America as a wealthy and “fat” country with so much abundance and with a true sense of generosity. There is no reason why we should have any single person, our brothers and our sisters should all have their basic needs met.

Most of us can pray and we can donate our time and our treasure to help those in need. As we approach the holiday season with Thanksgiving and Christmas and in the season of giving and gifting, let us not forget that many are doing without and that “To whom much has been given, much is expected.” Luke 12:48

Written 11/2/12

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer
NEW BOOK! Along The Way available at Amazon and Barnes & Noble

Mind over Matter

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Mind over Matter
By Bernadette A. Moyer

If you don’t mind, it really doesn’t matter. It is amazing how freeing it is when you let go of what other people say and think about you. “What other people think about you is none of your business.” Paulo Coelho

What matters is what you think and feel and what you know about yourself. How we feel about ourselves shows itself in how we look, how we act and even how we react. There are many things in my life that I am most proud of and when I think of it, it isn’t about my achievements or my success but rather in all the times that I was true to myself.

I am most proud of the times when I stood up for myself and the times when I brushed off the actions and words of bullies and angry people; people that try and put their stuff on you. They want you to look bad so they can justify their own poor behaviors. It truly is mind over matter, if you don’t mind it really doesn’t matter!

During a three hour birthday celebration lunch just yesterday with my “other mother” who repeatedly told me how great I look and how beautiful I look and how happy I look, I had to smile and to laugh and to accept that I feel great! This woman has known me for over 20 years when I was her Real Estate agent. She is 80 years old and witnessed my life during some of the highest points and lowest ones too. Upon reflection, I know that I look good because I feel good because I have genuine peace in my heart and because I am surrounded by love.

The people in my circle are people that love and support me, period. I have cut out and I have deliberately cut off people and situations that cause undue drama and where I am no longer learning or growing or feeling good and happy. Life really is too short for other people’s sh –!

My most recent book Along The Way includes so many valuable lessons about life that I literally learned Along The Way, much of it was not so attractive and most of it came from the people that really should have been family and they should have been kind and loving. It just was not to be for me and for many years I struggled and I couldn’t accept it. I fought against the natural tide and the natural ebb and flow. Looking back I can see where this was a huge mistake and cost me much love and peace. I was looking for love and for acceptance in all the wrong places, looking for it outside of myself when it reality I have and I had everything I ever needed deep within myself, I always had God and a deep sense of faith. My life today is so good I want to get up and scream all about it!

I was getting in my own way of peace, love and happiness due to the unwarranted judgements of others, sad but true and truly a waste of time. I am so much bigger and better than that. For years I suffered in silence, feeling so much shame that related to my first family and later due to the untimely death of my husband, branding me a widow at 23 made me feel different than my peer group. Then later again feeling all the shame associated with abuse. I felt it so deeply and I initially took it all in and isolated myself. When the healing began I not only could speak about it but I wrote about it. This all helped me to heal. So did the thousands of connections I made with others by sharing my stories and my life experiences. Many of the most painful stories shared drew thousands of “likes” in just one platform; Facebook.

In one book Along The Way I bound all those lessons, the good, the bad, the happy and the sad. I am over it. I did the work. I grieved my losses and I moved on, parts of the book were written as far back as 1998. The entire book is past history and past lessons learned. Many people have shared with me how much my writings have helped them in their own life journey and for this I am eternally thankful.

Today I am in the midst of completing the next book titled; Another Way and it contains blogs, articles and essays that are happier and more fun and include more and different life lessons, experiences and observations. I have closed the door on all the hurtful stuff associated with my family of origin and opened the doors to much more love and peace and it shows on my face and in my heart.

Last week I turned 56 years old and I had another wonderful birthday celebrated in Las Vegas, Nevada. I have experienced so much Along The Way and today more than ever I know that there is Another Way … when things don’t go like you think they should, it really comes down to mind over matter and to seeking out a newer and better and Another Way … there is always Another Way …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

New book! ALONG THE WAY available on Amazon and Barnes & Noble

ANOTHER WAY coming out November 1, 2015

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My New Book is Out

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My New Book is Out
By Bernadette A. Moyer

My new book titled; ALONG THE WAY has finally been published and of course I am excited. Writing and creating a book is a lot like birthing a baby as you go from conception to birthing, it is a process!

And just like having a baby when that book is finally birthed/published you are just over the moon happy and so giddy with glee.

This isn’t my first book and yet every book feels like a first. I know that it is my best work, well at least, to date. Most writers know that you just get better and better the more that you write.

It is a long road and a lengthy process to create a book and like my favorite Stephen King quote states; “there is no such thing as writing, there is only re-writing.” I don’t think there is a writer out there that is ever finished/ done, we want to edit, to correct, and to rephrase and we want to do it over and over again.

ALONG THE WAY includes more than 220 articles, blogs and essays and covers a wide range of topics. Some titles include; It Isn’t About You, Dads and Daughters, Perfection is God’s Business, Dear Estranged Adult Sons and Daughters (has over 1,000 “likes” on Facebook) and Happiness is an Inside Job.

You can find a detailed book description at http://www.createspace.com/5705583?ref

My new book is out and I hope that you enjoy it as much as I have enjoyed creating it!

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

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And The Summer Became The Fall

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And The Summer Became The Fall
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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“And the summer became the fall I was not ready for the winter” from the song Nightbird by Stevie Nicks. I am never really ready for winter, I mean yes I have the coats, the hats, the boots, the gloves and scarves but mentally I am a summer and a sunshine girl.

I’ve come to appreciate the fall more and more each year, its harvest time. I like the cooler temps in the evening and “sweater weather.”

Right now although we are still in August, some schools have gone back from summer break and I can see a few leaves that have already fallen from our trees. Recently I heard the weather man say that it is now becoming dark just before 8:00 in the evening.

I love pumpkins and making more “comfort foods” and taking advantage of the harvest.

Apples and apple pie making always makes me happy. It won’t be long before all the leaves have fallen and the days get shorter and darkness comes earlier, and we witness the fields plowed and in rest mode.

“And when I call, will you walk gently thru my shadow”

“And the winter is really here now and the blankets that I love, sometimes I am surrounded by too much love” Quotes from Nightbird written by Stevie Nicks.

Winter always feels like that like, the shadow of night after the summer filled with light. Let us pray that this fall and winter season is filled with an abundance of both blankets and love for all. Tis the season to remember everyone with love and warmth and light …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

All books by Bernadette A. Moyer on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

 

Sweet Sweet Surrender

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Sweet Sweet Surrender

By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Surrender as in letting go of control and to yield to power. I am thinking about surrender is the sense of letting go and accepting that we are not in charge that there is a greater power. Our world and our existence here is bigger than just us. Not one of us decided on our birth date or our natural death date. In life there is really very little that we control. We didn’t pick our parents nor did they choose us. We take what we receive and we make the most of it.

As a marketing and salesperson for the bulk of my career in both for profit and non-profit, most of my sales training taught me to go after what I want. In my personal life I have done the same. Then there comes a time when you know that you’re not going to be the President or a model or any other fantasy that we may have thought was achievable at a certain age. We grow up and accept what our own unique gifts are as well as our limitations. It is nice to strive for goals, to set a goal and then go after it. Some things in life are a natural fit and meant for us and others may be a dream or a fantasy.

When we mature, we accept that we came with a game plan unlike anyone else’s, our life is unique to us just as God created for us. It is not for someone else to put their plan, their agenda on us. Our surrender is to the highest and greater power in the Lord, our God.

The most wonderful thing about growing older is the sweet surrender than comes from accepting ourselves “as is” and letting go of ego. Giving way to God rather than ego, (Edging God Out) is the sweetest surrender, we no longer have to be better than them or better than that, we are good and good enough as we are, just as God created us to be.

Jesus Take The Wheel

(Lyrics by James/Lindsey/Sampson)

Jesus take the wheel

Take it from my hands

Cause I can’t do this on my own

I’m letting go

So give me one more chance

Save me from this road I’m on

Jesus take the wheel

There is a natural happiness that comes from accepting ourselves and in that sweet surrender. Where we are, where we are supposed to be, what is ahead is exactly as God intended for us. “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.” Romans 12:2

It is through the struggle that we find enlightenment. So many lessons are born of pain, but they are born to us. We are good and we are acceptable and we are perfect as only God created us to be.

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by overwhelming conviction that I had no where else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.” Abraham Lincoln

“Something amazing happens when we surrender and just love. We melt away into another world, a realm of power already within us. The world changes when we change, the world softens when we soften. The world loves us when we choose to love the world.” Marianne Williamson

There is no beauty in the fight, fighting is never attractive, but there are gifts, blessings and true beauty in the surrender. Surrender is sweet, it is humble, it is without ego and false pride, our surrender allows us to be open and receptive and ready for us to receive God’s will. And God’s will is so much better than anything we could have imagined for ourselves.

“You cannot fulfill God’s purposes for your life while focusing on your own plans.” Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

There is nothing sweeter than our surrender …

Bernadette on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Memorial Day beyond Hotdogs and Burgers …

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Memorial Day beyond Hotdogs and Burgers, Our Great Men and Women Who Serve

By Bernadette A. Moyer

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Today for most of us Memorial Day is the start of summer with the opening of community pools, picnics and outdoor gatherings. We celebrate it by grilling our hotdogs, hamburgers, chicken and barbecue on the grill. Many take advantage of the Memorial Day weekend sales at the mall, car dealerships, big box stores and grocery stores. For many American’s it is a three day weekend.  Beach communities see it as the beginning of the summer season.

Memorial Day started as a holiday to remember the Civil War. It was a time in our history when our country that was at war with itself. It has been said to have been the bloodiest and most deadly war on United States soil.

We have expanded our definition of Memorial Day to include all military service men and women. Many of us reflect and think about all those who served and returned home, those who were injured in service and those who lost their life defending our country.

My husband Brian and I both have fathers who served during the Korean War. His father John and my father Bernie never met but they both returned from service honored with a purple heart. My dad was injured and medicated for the rest of his life as a result of a head injury he received while in Korea.

As a teenager I wore a P.O.W. bracelet, Prisoner of War and it was during this time that the Vietnam War was going on. In my early twenties I married Randy Moyer who was a two-term Vietnam veteran. Randy was in the Navy and honorably discharged after 6 years of service with a purple heart. He was blown off a ship and as a result he became an epileptic. In order for him to be fully functioning he had to be medicated every single day of his life. There was never a night’s sleep where he wasn’t shaking in our bed. He suffered from post-traumatic syndrome.

I will never forget when I was 8 months pregnant with our daughter the seizure he endured while driving to work. He totaled our car and almost killed the driver in the oncoming lane.  His driver’s license was taken away and eventually he lost his job as an auto mechanic. He needed a license to work.  His neurologist said to me, me who was just one month away from delivering our first child, “I don’t want to tell you that your husband can’t hold your baby but I think you should know that if he had a seizure while holding her, he could kill her.”  It was my sister who came to get me in the middle of the night when I went into labor. My husband, a real macho kind of guy was not allowed to drive a vehicle.

When he died in 1983 he was just 37 years old and his autopsy read, “Drowning as a consequence of seizure.” He was taking a shower, preparing to go to work and had a seizure in the shower. After he died I was left as a single mother to raise our then 2-year old daughter.

Many benefits were afforded me as a surviving widow. The VA accepted 100% responsibility for his untimely death. I was given financial support and could have used my benefits to go to school and for medical care and even to purchase a home. I never accepted any of the benefits except for the financial support. All money received was used for the best private education money could buy for our daughter. I wanted it to be used for something that would live on long after his death. The only stipulation on this support was I could receive financial aid until the day that I died. I decided to accept support until our daughter was of legal age. I remarried and it ended. I was always so thankful that Randy’s service was honored by the very government that he gave his life to serve.

The flag pictured in this blog was given to me on February 25, 1983 after the 21-gun salute and his burial. I visit his gravesite at least once every single year. On Memorial Day I celebrate like everyone else with my share of hotdogs and hamburgers but I also remember my first husband Randall H. Moyer who gave up his life to service in the United States Navy during Vietnam. He served for his country that he loved.

Many of us have friends and family members who serve in our military; it is about service above self. Let’s all remember to remember them this Memorial Day and every day in between.

Happy Memorial Day! We remember …

Bernadette on Facebook at http://www.facebook.com/bernadetteamoyer

Bitter or Better is Our Choice

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Bitter or Better is Our Choice
By Bernadette A. Moyer

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I could be bitter but I am better! Earlier today I caught up with an old friend, she is like a sister to me. She is that friend that makes me happy, she calls me out when I am wrong, supports me at my best and at my worse. She gets me and in many ways we understand each other, in many ways we are alike. In her company I am lifted up and we always learn from one another.

Today she said something to me and about me. She said. “After everything you have been through and I could name the list, you continue to amaze me because you could be bitter and you aren’t, you have one of the biggest hearts I have ever witnessed. I know a lot of people and most would be bitter but not you and your heart.”

She is right I could be bitter! She knows me well as we have been friends for 18 years now. The list is long on what I have experienced in my lifetime. Some of it is really very hateful, hurtful and unattractive. But my heart doesn’t work that way. I have always viewed every single experience as something I could learn from. What was this or that supposed to teach me and by viewing everything as a learning opportunity I grew my heart bigger and I became better and not bitter.

We don’t get to control what happens in our lives or what other people do but we do get to control how we choose to respond to it. I may not always be happy with the outcomes of the things that have hurt me. But I always responded with a heart and with a conscience and in a way that I could live with, this allowed me to be better and not bitter.

When we rise above it, when we are faced with adversity and heartache, our own character is tested. Real character isn’t about how we handle the easy stuff in life, it is about how we handle the challenges and often it is about how we act when no one else is looking.

On reflection one of the things in my life that I am most proud of is how I handled my first husband’s death and his funeral. He was previously married and divorced with two children. When he died his kids were young and still in elementary school. When I was asked who I wanted to be in the first car with me my response was swift and heartfelt. I had his children and their mother with me. To me, it was the right thing to do. When I met him he was already divorced, his ex-wife and his children never did anything to hurt me. My view was that having them with me and close to their father was the right thing to do and it was one that I could easily live with.

The single line that has helped me the most in my life is from the book, The Four Agreements and I have written about it often, the quote is; “nothing other people do is because of you, it is because of themselves.” Not only has this made sense to me but it has virtually saved me and released me from the hate and the lack of love from others. Their actions are their choices, when someone chooses to behave in a certain way that is all about them.

The people that set out to hurt other people are lacking peace and love and there is usually a good reason for that and normally it comes from what they have done and their own actions. They are living in a way that requires them to justify their behaviors. If they can make someone else look bad they can justify what they have done. This may work in the short run, but in the long run, they have to live with themselves. We may be able to fool others, but we know who we are and what we are made of, we know better than anyone else.

I have never viewed myself as a “victim” but rather as a “survivor” and this allowed me to “survive” and even thrive in the face of adversity. I have also learned that just because I have a heart and a conscience that I shouldn’t necessarily expect the same from others. Some people just don’t have it.

We could all be “bitter” over something if that is what we decide but we also can choose to be “better” and being “better” just feels so good and right and contributes to making us better! Given the choice I choose better over bitter every single time…

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